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Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
found on the internet ^ | unknown | assorted

Posted on 03/27/2010 9:16:58 PM PDT by smokingfrog

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: lol; pun; puns; whatispon
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1 posted on 03/27/2010 9:16:58 PM PDT by smokingfrog
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To: smokingfrog

Thank you, I will be practicing number 9 all night in preparation of using it on the missus tomorrow.


2 posted on 03/27/2010 9:21:10 PM PDT by IrishCatholic (No local Communist or Socialist Party Chapter? Join the Democrats, it's the same thing!)
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To: smokingfrog

Yes I’m positive. LOL!


3 posted on 03/27/2010 9:21:36 PM PDT by FrdmLvr
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To: smokingfrog; mikrofon; martin_fierro

A good pun is its own reword.


4 posted on 03/27/2010 9:21:55 PM PDT by Charles Henrickson (Punned it.)
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To: FrdmLvr
I like #4, but it's not really a pun, is it? It's more of a joke than a pun, somewhat like this:

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "For you, no charge."

5 posted on 03/27/2010 9:25:20 PM PDT by Charles Henrickson (A good pun is its own reword.)
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To: FrdmLvr

Yes, the electron one was definately the best!


6 posted on 03/27/2010 9:25:49 PM PDT by jocon307 (It's the spending, stupid.)
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To: smokingfrog

A mushroom was trying to pick up a date in a bar. He told her, “You should go out with me. I’m a fungi.”


7 posted on 03/27/2010 9:27:55 PM PDT by firebrand
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To: Slings and Arrows; onyx
FYI
Ping

ROFL!

8 posted on 03/27/2010 9:27:56 PM PDT by Fiddlstix (Warning! This Is A Subliminal Tagline! Read it at your own risk!(Presented by TagLines R US))
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To: smokingfrog

Where did the seaweed find a job?

.

.

.

.

.

.

The kelp wanted ads.


9 posted on 03/27/2010 9:28:18 PM PDT by TruthHound ("He who does not punish evil commands it to be done." --Leonardo da Vinci)
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To: FrdmLvr; jocon307

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?”


10 posted on 03/27/2010 9:28:40 PM PDT by Charles Henrickson (A good pun is its own reword.)
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To: Fiddlstix

LOL.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.
‘My fav.

The first reminded me too much of one of your dinners.


11 posted on 03/27/2010 9:30:40 PM PDT by onyx (Facts don't matter. Proof not required. Anything goes! Racial slurs, death threats.....)
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To: jocon307

bookmark


12 posted on 03/27/2010 9:31:52 PM PDT by UCANSEE2 (The Last Boy Scout)
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To: smokingfrog
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!

13 posted on 03/27/2010 9:33:07 PM PDT by bgill (The framers of the US Constitution established an entire federal government in 18 pages.)
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To: smokingfrog

Use a pun, go to prison.


14 posted on 03/27/2010 9:34:14 PM PDT by Fast Moving Angel (We'll remember in November!)
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To: Charles Henrickson

LOL! Classic!


15 posted on 03/27/2010 9:34:52 PM PDT by FrdmLvr
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To: smokingfrog

My girlfriend was supposed to come up on the Amtrak to meet me this weekend, but she took ill with some kind of feminine problem and had to stay in bed.

It just goes to show...

Yeast is yeast,
And rest is rest,
And never the train shall meet.


16 posted on 03/27/2010 9:35:11 PM PDT by Erasmus (The Last of the Bohicans)
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To: Charles Henrickson

Hahaha! Very good!


17 posted on 03/27/2010 9:36:02 PM PDT by FrdmLvr
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To: smokingfrog

Rudolf: “Look, Tasha, it’s raining across the square on the Kremlin.”

Natasha: “No, Rudolf, silly. That’s not rain, it’s snow!”

Rudolf: “Rain, Tasha.”

Natasha: “Snow, Rudolf!”

Rudolf: “Listen; Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”


18 posted on 03/27/2010 9:38:08 PM PDT by Erasmus (The Last of the Bohicans)
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To: Charles Henrickson

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”


19 posted on 03/27/2010 9:39:26 PM PDT by smokingfrog (You can't ignore your boss and expect to keep your job... WWW.filipthishouse2010.com)
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To: smokingfrog

Buddhist monk to hot dog vendor, “One with everything, please.”


20 posted on 03/27/2010 9:39:44 PM PDT by Mister Muggles (.Seattle: A city full of Liberal men with vaginas.)
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