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Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
found on the internet ^ | unknown | assorted

Posted on 03/27/2010 9:16:58 PM PDT by smokingfrog

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: lol; pun; puns; whatispon
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To: UCANSEE2

A country cardiologist always performed surgery early Sunday morning before playing golf. He was always putting the heart before the course.


51 posted on 03/27/2010 11:32:29 PM PDT by bunkerhill7
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To: bunkerhill7

You are the pun master.

I surrender.


52 posted on 03/27/2010 11:33:25 PM PDT by smokingfrog (You can't ignore your boss and expect to keep your job... WWW.filipthishouse2010.com)
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To: jessduntno

Actually it takes only two, provided that they’re very tiny liberals.


53 posted on 03/27/2010 11:38:12 PM PDT by Erasmus (The Last of the Bohicans)
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To: smokingfrog
A Blond calls her friend to invite her to dinner. The friend asks where they should meet.

The Blond says, meet me at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

It isn't a pun and to be honest, I'm not really sure it's a joke, but what the heck.

54 posted on 03/27/2010 11:38:15 PM PDT by Kickass Conservative (Obamunism, the fatal cure for Bush Derangement Syndrome.)
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To: Charles Henrickson

A Democrat washes his clothes at a laundrymat. He puts in a dollar bill to get some quarters but the machine dispenses only slugs to be used in the washing machines. He becomes very angry, kicking it and exclaiming, “I need some change I can believe in!”


55 posted on 03/27/2010 11:39:56 PM PDT by bunkerhill7
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To: Kickass Conservative

Two blonds walk into a bar....You’d think one of them would of seen it?


56 posted on 03/27/2010 11:40:03 PM PDT by Drango (A liberal's compassion is limited only by the size of someone else's wallet.)
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Photobucket

Now you can have your Blake, and "Heater" too.

57 posted on 03/27/2010 11:41:13 PM PDT by rfp1234
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To: smokingfrog

2 blondes and a priest walk into a bar. All three order beers.
The barkeep said, “Father, How come you have only two blondes with you tonight? You usually have three.”

The priest replied, ‘It`s Lent and I`m fasting.”


58 posted on 03/27/2010 11:50:26 PM PDT by bunkerhill7
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To: Drango

Have you heard the one about the dyslectic who walked into a bra...?


59 posted on 03/27/2010 11:51:38 PM PDT by ARepublicanForAllReasons (Give 'em hell, Sarah!)
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To: Drango
A guy dies. Next thing you know he's at the Heavens Gate.

Saint Peter greets him. The man asks, where am I? Saint Peter says, you died and you're in Heaven. The guy can't believe it, so he asks Saint Peter what's the deal? Saint Peter responds, there isn't a deal, all you have to do is spell a word and I'll let you through the Gate.

The man gets upset and says, I'm not a very good Speller. Saint Peter says no problem, all you have to spell the word Love. The guy responds L-O-V-E, greatly relieved.

Just then a phone rings next to the Gate. Saint Peter answers it, has a brief conversation and comes back to where the man is standing. He tells the man he has go run up to God's House and asks him to watch things while he's gone.

The man is very perplexed and asks Saint Peter what he is supposed to do if someone comes along. Saint Peter says, just do the same thing I did with you.

Saint Peter goes through the Gate and the man stands there enjoying the experience, the floating clouds, the Harp Music and the feeling of Goodness and Joy.

Just then he spots a figure walking toward him. As the figure gets closer, he notices that it is a woman. Closer yet, he sees that it's his Wife.

As she walks up, the man asks “what are you doing here”? The wife, confused at the question, tells him the last thing she remembers is driving home from his Funeral Service and hearing the squeal of tires and the sound of crashing metal. The man tells her, you must have been killed in an car accident.

His Wife cannot believe what's happened, so she asks her Husband where she is. He says, you are at Heavens Gate.

So the Wife asks her Husband what's the deal? He responds, well, in order to get into Heaven you have the spell a word.

The Wife says, what word? The man responds “Checkoslovakia”.

60 posted on 03/28/2010 12:02:39 AM PDT by Kickass Conservative (Obamunism, the fatal cure for Bush Derangement Syndrome.)
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To: ARepublicanForAllReasons

Tibetan cattle are routinely shipped to Nigeria and forced to walk in circles to obtain precious enhancement liquids from their sweat glands called afrodizzyyaks.


61 posted on 03/28/2010 12:06:59 AM PDT by bunkerhill7
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To: smokingfrog

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”


62 posted on 03/28/2010 12:07:12 AM PDT by Lancey Howard
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To: smokingfrog

bflr


63 posted on 03/28/2010 12:08:44 AM PDT by Captain Beyond (The Hammer of the gods! (Just a cool line from a Led Zep song))
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To: Hillarys Gate Cult

When scientists opened the tomb of Ludwig von Beethoven they found him sitting there with a pencil, erasing the notes from some sheet music. He was decomposing.


64 posted on 03/28/2010 12:20:08 AM PDT by Lancey Howard
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To: smokingfrog
A deposed king fled in a ship with a small retinue, taking with him his crown and large solid gold throne. They landed on a small pacific island, where the natives had never seen white men before. Soon they were worshiping him as a god. He had them build a huge hut, and mount his thrown on a bamboo platform, where the natives would come and kneel before him. Unfortunately one day the bamboo could no longer hold the weight and it came crashing down, killing the king and many of the natives. The angry natives dragged the king's servants off to kill them, and one told the other, “Damn! If I told him once, I told him a thousand times, people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!”
65 posted on 03/28/2010 12:26:48 AM PDT by Hugin (Remember the first rule of gunfighting...have a gun..-- Col. Jeff Cooper)
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To: smokingfrog

ping


66 posted on 03/28/2010 12:32:01 AM PDT by jpsb
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To: Hillarys Gate Cult

Existentially humorous.


67 posted on 03/28/2010 12:32:08 AM PDT by Tainan (Cogito, ergo conservatus)
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To: Hugin

The funeral home just got a new vehicle with extra-large windows all around so the grieving could better view the dearly departed. But the cemetery was full; so the undertaker would dig up bodies at night to take to the coast and throw them into the ocean to make room for newcomers. But one night they were proceeding on their macabre journey and were caught by police. The moral of this story:
People who leave in glass hearses shouldn`t throw bones.


68 posted on 03/28/2010 12:35:42 AM PDT by bunkerhill7
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To: smokingfrog

A stolen roan gathers no cost.


69 posted on 03/28/2010 12:41:23 AM PDT by bunkerhill7
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To: smokingfrog

Ben Franklin once said:
“A penny earned is a penny redistributed.”


70 posted on 03/28/2010 12:44:27 AM PDT by bunkerhill7
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To: smokingfrog

Those puns are so lame that the person(s) who chose them should be arrested and tried. It would be a no pun and shut case.


71 posted on 03/28/2010 12:50:47 AM PDT by Fresh Wind ("...a whip of political correctness strangles their voice"-Vaclav Klaus on GW skeptics)
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To: Lancey Howard

Women of the night are always on time: it is impossible for them to be delayed.


72 posted on 03/28/2010 12:56:10 AM PDT by bunkerhill7
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To: jocon307; FrdmLvr
Q: What happens when Los Angeles loses an electron?

A: Eye on LA!

73 posted on 03/28/2010 1:02:39 AM PDT by altair (reform (n) - the most abused word in the English language)
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To: smokingfrog

I heard #9 about 4 or 5 years ago, but the punch line was “super calloused fragile mystic with expert halitosis”...

Personally I liked #5 the best.


74 posted on 03/28/2010 1:10:32 AM PDT by jurroppi1 (America, do not commit Barry Care-y!)
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To: Charles Henrickson; Cindy
Here's one I invented for the tea partiers [Yes, I know it's a little long] :

A crow spotted a a streaming horde of lemmings frantically running full speed ahead towards the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea.

Alarmed and what was about to happen, the crow flew down to intercept them and when he landed on a rock in their path he cawed to them, "Stawp! Stawp, there's a drop-off dead ahead! Ya'all have got to stawp raht naw! Caw!!!!"

The leading rodent, still racing towards the cliff, ignored him and shouted to his followers "Race abater! He's a race abater! Don't listen to him!" and at the very edge, he directed the first of his adoring lemming followers to take a great leap forward over the cliff.

"Stawp! Please stop, ya'all will fall!" cried the alarmed crow, but they continued to pour toward him and around him , until a mighty wave of lemmings swept over the rock, and as they cursed and called him names such as "you flocking paranoid tree-nagger" ...

... they flipped the bird!

Having been flipped off, the crow was starting to have enough of these teeming masses yearning to seethe for free, but as he watched the rest of them race past him towards the precipice he shouted one last warning to them : "Stawp, for Gawd's sake, stawp! Can't ya see yer leader's already gone off the deep end and yer heading towards disaster? What are ya, CRAZY?!?"

The last lemming in the end-crowd looked over its shoulder at him and screamed :

"No, we're PROGRESSIVES!"

75 posted on 03/28/2010 1:25:35 AM PDT by piasa (Attitude adjustments offered here free of charge)
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To: piasa

Laughind in spite of myself...and so true.


76 posted on 03/28/2010 1:33:32 AM PDT by Cindy
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To: Cindy

sp=laughing...I was laughing too hard to spell.


77 posted on 03/28/2010 1:36:00 AM PDT by Cindy
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To: smokingfrog

True story

My friends and I were going to the mall after lunch and spent a few min looking for a decent parking spot. We found one close to the entrance but it was rather unusual due to the cars that surround the parking space.

To the right was a dark blood red car. In front of it was a red truck. To the left was another smoky red car and in front of us was a dark red station wagon.

To which my friend gasped and exclaimed in a pained voice .... “Oh no, we’re marooned!”


78 posted on 03/28/2010 1:44:32 AM PDT by taxcontrol
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To: Fresh Wind

That might be construed as cruel and unusual pun-ishment!


79 posted on 03/28/2010 2:08:27 AM PDT by ARepublicanForAllReasons (Give 'em hell, Sarah!)
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To: smokingfrog
I have caused much distress and nausea by publicly addressing my wiener dog pack as my "dachshunds (ie dach-sons) and dachsdaughters". Do you think "dachshdoggers" would be even worse funnier?
80 posted on 03/28/2010 6:09:31 AM PDT by kaylar (It's MARTIAL law. Not marshal(l) or marital! This has been a spelling PSA. PS Secede not succeed)
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bump


81 posted on 03/28/2010 6:11:26 AM PDT by Non-Sequitur
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To: Hugin

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”


82 posted on 03/28/2010 7:06:27 AM PDT by smokingfrog (You can't ignore your boss and expect to keep your job... WWW.filipthishouse2010.com)
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To: smokingfrog

A man was walking with his wife in a park when they came upon a large Koi pond with a wooden bridge over it.

He turned to his wife and said, “Oh look, honey. A bridge over the river Koi!”


83 posted on 03/28/2010 7:12:44 AM PDT by Daniel II (I'm Jim Thompson, this is my brother Jimmy, and this is my other brother Jimmy)
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To: kaylar

THE WIENER AND THE MOVIE

I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad, funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dachsie cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachsie laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. “That’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen,” I said. “That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film.” The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is. He hated the book.”


84 posted on 03/28/2010 7:47:33 AM PDT by smokingfrog (You can't ignore your boss and expect to keep your job... WWW.filipthishouse2010.com)
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To: Charles Henrickson; smokingfrog; martin_fierro

My dear wife —who’a technically a professional comedian— is far better at this than I. Thus, over the years I’ve had to gird myself in “defense”, become a counterPuncher, as it were...

I’m actually also confined to a wheelchair, so stand-up is out of the question anyway...

(I do wish that Joe B. would stop calling me ‘Chuck’ though)


85 posted on 03/28/2010 7:56:16 AM PDT by mikrofon ('s wordplay)
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To: smokingfrog

What did the duck say to the prostitute?

“Just put it on my bill!”


86 posted on 03/28/2010 8:02:26 AM PDT by Ditter
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To: smokingfrog

The Yankees were playing there dreaded rivals, the Red Sox, for the league championship. The Red Sox had their ace pitcher, 20 game winner and league MVP, Mel Famey, on the mound.

Things did not go well for the Sox. Famey, normally a pitcher with pinpoint control, walked 9 batters, including the Yanks’ winning run in the ninth.

After the game, the Yanks’ manager was asked if he had any idea why Famey was so wild.

“I know for a fact Mel was out drinking beer last night,” said the Yanks manager.

The reporter responded, “Mel drinks every night before a game. Why should last night be any different?”

“Because,” said the manager,”this time he drank Schlitz, and everyone knows that Schlitz is the beer that made Mel Famey walk us.”


87 posted on 03/28/2010 8:30:22 AM PDT by dmzTahoe
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Comment #88 Removed by Moderator

To: Charles Henrickson; mikrofon; smokingfrog

Unfortunate Album Art

89 posted on 03/28/2010 8:48:09 AM PDT by martin_fierro (He doesn't *look* very punny....)
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To: smokingfrog

A few scripture puns (groan away!):

What kind of car did God drive?

A Plymoth – God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in His Fury.

What was the fist recorded auto accident recorded in history?

Saul drove his Javelin into the wall.

King David’s motorcycle?

The roar of David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.

What kind of car did the apostles drive?

A Honda – the apostles were all together in one Accord. (had to be kinda crowded)


90 posted on 03/28/2010 9:02:35 AM PDT by 70times7 (Serving Free Republics' warped and obscure humor needs since 1999!)
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To: smokingfrog

:-D


91 posted on 03/28/2010 9:08:26 AM PDT by kaylar (It's MARTIAL law. Not marshal(l) or marital! This has been a spelling PSA. PS Secede not succeed)
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To: 70times7

Every day a herring and a whale walk into the same bar at the same time. Then one day, the herring walks in alone. The barkeep asks the herring, “Hey, where’s your friend today?”.

The herring says, “What, am I my blubber’s kipper?”.


92 posted on 03/28/2010 9:51:57 AM PDT by Hugin (Remember the first rule of gunfighting...have a gun..-- Col. Jeff Cooper)
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To: 70times7

I figured God would drive a Chrysler.


93 posted on 03/28/2010 3:54:56 PM PDT by Lancey Howard
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To: Lancey Howard

An eskimo and his wife went fishing one day in their boat. She was an incessant blubbermouth. Finally he couldn`t take it any more and said, “For kayakking out loud!”


94 posted on 03/29/2010 6:07:26 PM PDT by bunkerhill7
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