Skip to comments.Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
Posted on 03/27/2010 9:16:58 PM PDT by smokingfrog
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”
A man was walking with his wife in a park when they came upon a large Koi pond with a wooden bridge over it.
He turned to his wife and said, “Oh look, honey. A bridge over the river Koi!”
THE WIENER AND THE MOVIE
I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad, funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dachsie cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachsie laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. “That’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen,” I said. “That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film.” The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is. He hated the book.”
My dear wife —who’a technically a professional comedian— is far better at this than I. Thus, over the years I’ve had to gird myself in “defense”, become a counterPuncher, as it were...
I’m actually also confined to a wheelchair, so stand-up is out of the question anyway...
(I do wish that Joe B. would stop calling me ‘Chuck’ though)
What did the duck say to the prostitute?
“Just put it on my bill!”
The Yankees were playing there dreaded rivals, the Red Sox, for the league championship. The Red Sox had their ace pitcher, 20 game winner and league MVP, Mel Famey, on the mound.
Things did not go well for the Sox. Famey, normally a pitcher with pinpoint control, walked 9 batters, including the Yanks’ winning run in the ninth.
After the game, the Yanks’ manager was asked if he had any idea why Famey was so wild.
“I know for a fact Mel was out drinking beer last night,” said the Yanks manager.
The reporter responded, “Mel drinks every night before a game. Why should last night be any different?”
“Because,” said the manager,”this time he drank Schlitz, and everyone knows that Schlitz is the beer that made Mel Famey walk us.”
Unfortunate Album Art
A few scripture puns (groan away!):
What kind of car did God drive?
A Plymoth God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in His Fury.
What was the fist recorded auto accident recorded in history?
Saul drove his Javelin into the wall.
King Davids motorcycle?
The roar of Davids Triumph was heard throughout the land.
What kind of car did the apostles drive?
A Honda the apostles were all together in one Accord. (had to be kinda crowded)
Every day a herring and a whale walk into the same bar at the same time. Then one day, the herring walks in alone. The barkeep asks the herring, “Hey, where’s your friend today?”.
The herring says, “What, am I my blubber’s kipper?”.
I figured God would drive a Chrysler.
An eskimo and his wife went fishing one day in their boat. She was an incessant blubbermouth. Finally he couldn`t take it any more and said, “For kayakking out loud!”
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