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Toaster Related Deaths at an All-Time High
James' blog ^ | November 26, 2010 | Unknown

Posted on 11/23/2010 7:17:47 PM PST by Jack Hydrazine

November 26 Toaster Related Deaths at an All-Time High

Now that 2007 is nearly over, the World Organization of Statistics has released frightening new information that shows toaster related deaths are up all across the world this year.

"It's not just in the US, it's everywhere," said Dr. Kevin Willie, self-proclaimed 'Statistical Genius'. "It is an alarming trend, and only appears to be getting worse."

The number of toaster related deaths in the world this past year was 45. This is up 12 from last year, and up 15 from two years ago. The number of toaster related deaths in the US alone was 17, nearly a 7% increase over the past year. This year toasters have killed nearly ten times more people worldwide than the deadly polio virus, and no one disputes what a terrible plague polio has been on society.

"At the steep rate that toaster deaths are increasing, the entire human race may soon be wiped out," claimed Dr. Willie.

Most often, toaster deaths are caused by a lack of respect, and fear, for the common toaster.

"Toasters are programmed only to toast. They know nothing else. They feel no pain, they have no compassion. They will tear a man to pieces and cook him to a golden brown without a second thought," said Nathan Jones.

Nathan lost his wife and daughter in a toaster related incident four years ago and has been working to instill fear of toasters in all who he meets so that they will not have to relive his experience. "All they wanted was toast, but what they got was death," he often tells his audiences.

"People are lackadaisical, just putting bread and bagels into the toaster," said Dr. Jack Snow. "They don't even stop to think about how the toaster is really an unstoppable killing machine."

Dr. Snow works for the Aaron Burr Medical Institution, which specializes in toaster related injuries. He has treated dozens of toaster injuries in the past decade.

"I've seen things that you'd never want to see, things far worse than even a Mariah Carry movie," said Dr. Snow. "But saddest of all, most of these injuries could have been easily prevented."

One of Dr. Snow's recent cases involved a young newlywed couple. The wife lost her ring in a toaster while reaching for her bagel. And her foolhardy husband went after it with a fork.

"If only the husband would have contacted the Toaster Squad, they could have safely removed the ring," said Dr. Snow. "But he did not assess the real danger of the toaster, and it ended with me having to surgically reattach both arms."

Another recent case did not have such a happy ending. Little Bobby loved toast, and he loved taking bathes. But together, his two loves created an explosive mistress of death.

"Poor little Bobby, tried to take his toaster in the tub," said Dr. Snow, a tear streaming down his cheek. "We could only identify the body by comparing his teeth with our dental records. If only his parents had warned him about the dangers of Toaster Bathing, he would have worn his protective rubber suit and would still be with us today."

Dr. Snow, Nathan Jones, and others like them have been working hard for years to promote "Safe Toasting" across the United States. They have created television commercials and pamphlets detailing the dangers of using a toaster and what safety measures should be taken when you do.

"It is a simple reality that toaster injuries can be avoided," said Dr. Snow. "Always ground yourself before using a toaster, make sure you have rubber soled shoes, wear rubber gloves, and if you are toasting in a moist environment, don't forget your full body rubber suit. Follow these simple rules and you have no reason to fear your everyday breakfast routine."

While toaster deaths have been on a rise in recent years, their threat has remained largely unpublicized. Few people know the real dangers of toasters. Unfortunately, it seems that only now that toasters have become a leading cause of death worldwide are they truly being seen for what they truly are; cold, heartless killing machines. We must hope that with education and training, this trend will soon be reversed less we all be faced with the cruel wraith of the toaster.


TOPICS: Conspiracy; Humor; Society; Weird Stuff
KEYWORDS: appliance; deaths; kitchen; napl; toaster
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That toaster in your kitchen may try to kill you...

or at least grope you!

1 posted on 11/23/2010 7:17:57 PM PST by Jack Hydrazine
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To: Slings and Arrows

I’ve been wondering about this lately.

My toaster has been laughing at me, and sometimes even tells me to do things... Bad things.


2 posted on 11/23/2010 7:20:12 PM PST by KoRn (Department of Homeland Security, Certified - "Right Wing Extremist")
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To: Jack Hydrazine

Lol...that’s funny stuff....darn those evil toasters....


3 posted on 11/23/2010 7:22:13 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis (Want to make $$$? It's Easy! Use FR to Pimp Your Blog!)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

4 posted on 11/23/2010 7:23:35 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis (Want to make $$$? It's Easy! Use FR to Pimp Your Blog!)
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To: KoRn

The world is going to hell in a hand basket and I now have to worry about my toaster ... to large to comprehend. ;-)


5 posted on 11/23/2010 7:24:09 PM PST by doc1019 (Martyrdom is a great thing, until it is your turn.)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

It’s the damn Chinese. They are out to get us with toasters now.


6 posted on 11/23/2010 7:24:40 PM PST by GILTN1stborn
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To: Jack Hydrazine

Quick! Quick!

Your children may be at risk.

Permits and yearly renewal fees are in order as well as government mandated classes that teach us how to properly use a toaster.

The lives we can save.

The money we’ll rake in!


7 posted on 11/23/2010 7:24:58 PM PST by Califreak (November 2008 proved that Idiocracy isn't just a movie anymore)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

My Toaster always burns the bread so may be something to it.....


8 posted on 11/23/2010 7:25:53 PM PST by njslim
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To: Jack Hydrazine

9 posted on 11/23/2010 7:26:11 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis (Want to make $$$? It's Easy! Use FR to Pimp Your Blog!)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

10 posted on 11/23/2010 7:26:43 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis (Want to make $$$? It's Easy! Use FR to Pimp Your Blog!)
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To: Jack Hydrazine; a fool in paradise

Smartphones, why not smarttoasters?


11 posted on 11/23/2010 7:27:33 PM PST by Revolting cat! (Let us prey!)
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To: Jack Hydrazine
In all truth, they are potential fire hazards. A lot of them are cheaply made, and may start a fire. Always, always, always unplug them when they aren't being used to toast.
12 posted on 11/23/2010 7:27:53 PM PST by Nepeta
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To: Jack Hydrazine
"That toaster in your kitchen may try to kill you..."

The toaster in your kitchen is nowhere near as dangerous as the one on the edge of your bath tub. I keep a real close eye on that one.

13 posted on 11/23/2010 7:27:53 PM PST by Joe 6-pack (Que me amat, amet et canem meum)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

I have been wanting a toaster. I was planning on asking Santa to bring me one for Christmas, thank goodness I read this article. You may have saved my life Jack!


14 posted on 11/23/2010 7:30:28 PM PST by Ditter
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To: Jack Hydrazine

15 posted on 11/23/2010 7:31:23 PM PST by mylife (Opinions ~ $1 Half Baked ~ 50c)
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To: DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis

Be sure to stand barefoot in a puddle of water.


16 posted on 11/23/2010 7:31:57 PM PST by Rocky (REPEAL IT!)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

I had a nice shiney toaster once. Sort of expensive too. It matched the microwave, stove, oven, fridge and dish-washer. It brought the whole kitchen together.

Then I forced some home sliced bread which was too thick down into it. Toasted it real nice. But after that, it would not lock down to toast. Even when I held it down myself, it would not heat up. I became hysterical. If my wife were to find out what I had done to the harmonics of her kitchen...

I tried to take it apart and fix it myself, but all of the screws were propriatary and I had nothing that would work to undo a single one. So I did the next best thing: I threw it away and bought a cheap discolored replacement at Wallyworld. Plugged it in, stuck in some bread, worked the lever, and...

It would not stick down. Imagine the odds of buying a toaster that was broke the same way the first really expensive toaster was...

Then it dawned on my to try another outlet. Oh crap, trash day was yesterday...


17 posted on 11/23/2010 7:33:22 PM PST by Dogbert41
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To: Jack Hydrazine
Devo
18 posted on 11/23/2010 7:34:19 PM PST by rabidralph
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To: Rocky
Yep. That always makes for a memorable electrifying experience. :)
19 posted on 11/23/2010 7:37:07 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis (Want to make $$$? It's Easy! Use FR to Pimp Your Blog!)
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To: Jack Hydrazine
Toasters are inherently usafe and dangerouse and should be banned, at 110 volts. IN Scotland they run on 220. They do horibble things to the toastless!!!/s

They can have my toaster when they pry it from my toast eating hand!

Photobucket

20 posted on 11/23/2010 7:43:50 PM PST by Candor7 (Obama . fascist info..http://www.americanthinker.com/2009/05/barack_obama_ipthe_quintessentia_1.html)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

Clearly it’s time for some common-sense toaster legislation.


21 posted on 11/23/2010 7:44:56 PM PST by Jeff Winston
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To: Jack Hydrazine

22 posted on 11/23/2010 7:45:57 PM PST by dfwgator (Congratulations to Josh Hamilton - AL MVP)
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To: Jeff Winston

Do flying toasters apply?


23 posted on 11/23/2010 7:46:28 PM PST by Jack Hydrazine (It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine!)
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To: Jeff Winston

I support toaster registration, and required training classes before someone is licensed to use a toaster.


24 posted on 11/23/2010 7:48:37 PM PST by Rocky (REPEAL IT!)
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To: dfwgator

http://www.muckety.com/Wes-Boyd/24622.muckety


25 posted on 11/23/2010 7:52:27 PM PST by thecodont
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To: Jack Hydrazine
My pet Eggos fear the Toaster. Now I know why.
26 posted on 11/23/2010 7:55:40 PM PST by Kickass Conservative (Obama, Pelosi and Reid, the Axis of Fascism.)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

Chinese toasters LOL


27 posted on 11/23/2010 7:57:00 PM PST by CIDKauf (No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

Why hasn’t the Attorney General issued a recall? Why hasn’t the FLOTUS warned the parents and children? Where is the department of Homeland Security? Slackers, Slackers!


28 posted on 11/23/2010 7:57:17 PM PST by huldah1776
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To: GILTN1stborn

LOL


29 posted on 11/23/2010 7:57:45 PM PST by CIDKauf (No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

All around the country coast to coast,
people always say what do you like most.
I don’t wanna brag i don’t wanna boast,
I always tell ‘em I like toast.

TOAST! Yeah TOAST!


30 posted on 11/23/2010 8:01:07 PM PST by reagan_fanatic (Scratch a “progressive” and a fascist bleeds)
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To: Jack Hydrazine
Toasters must be banned, a few idiots kill themselves, is not ok. Here in San Diego a couple of idiots used attack kites to buzz the walkway in Mission Bay, Arrest the offenders, no, Ban the Kites.
31 posted on 11/23/2010 8:08:41 PM PST by Foolsgold (L I B Lacking in Brains)
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To: Revolting cat!

Here ya go!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRq_SAuQDec


32 posted on 11/23/2010 8:34:48 PM PST by Clay Moore (The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of a fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2)
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To: Jack Hydrazine
Toaster Related Deaths at an All-Time High

I'm reasonably sure that deaths from every possible cause is at an all time high...(considering the difficulty in getting undead.)

33 posted on 11/23/2010 8:41:01 PM PST by Onelifetogive (I tweet, too...)
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To: KoRn; MeekOneGOP; Conspiracy Guy; DocRock; King Prout; Darksheare; OSHA; martin_fierro; ...
My toaster has been laughing at me, and sometimes even tells me to do things... Bad things.

Toasters lie. Obey the spatula.


34 posted on 11/23/2010 8:41:06 PM PST by Slings and Arrows (You can't have IngSoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: Dogbert41
Lol....I'm sure the whole experience brings back happy memories... /s
35 posted on 11/23/2010 8:43:01 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis (Want to make $$$? It's Easy! Use FR to Pimp Your Blog!)
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To: null and void

The guy is mental! That’s what led to the unfortunate accident involving the trash compactor!


36 posted on 11/23/2010 9:01:41 PM PST by Grizzled Bear (Does not play well with others)
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To: Foolsgold

Assault toasters will jump up and kill you for no reason.
Watch out for those with extra chambers.


37 posted on 11/23/2010 9:02:24 PM PST by FreedomOfExpression
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To: Jack Hydrazine
I rarely watched the tv series Soap, but the one scene I do
recall is Richard Mulligan waxing on how dangerous a
combination bagels and toasters are:

"...the bagel gets stuck, and you stick in the butter knife..."

38 posted on 11/23/2010 9:02:30 PM PST by Calvin Locke
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To: DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis

On the bright side.........OBAMA IS TOAST! LOL


39 posted on 11/23/2010 9:02:30 PM PST by outhousepatrol
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To: Jack Hydrazine

So this is how the Cylons started rebelling........


40 posted on 11/23/2010 9:04:31 PM PST by Lakeshark (Thank a member of the US armed forces for their sacrifice)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

Do flying toasters drop dry or buttered toast on you? Either is much better than what birds drop.


41 posted on 11/23/2010 9:07:52 PM PST by FreedomOfExpression
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To: Grizzled Bear; camle; Alkhin; Professional Engineer; katana; Mr. Silverback; MadIvan; ...

TOASTER: Would you like some toast?
LISTER: Uh-Uhm.
TOASTER: Some nice hot crisp brown buttered toast?
LISTER: Uh-Uhm.
TOASTER: You don’t want any toast then?
LISTER: No.
TOASTER: What about a muffin?
LISTER: Nothing!
TOASTER: You know the last time you had toast? 18 days ago. 11:36,
Tuesday the 3rd. Two rounds.
LISTER: Ssshhh!
TOASTER: I mean, what’s the point of buying a toaster with artificial
intelligence if you don’t like toast?
LISTER: I *do* like toast!
TOASTER: I mean, this is my job! This is cruel! Just cruel!
LISTER: Look, I’m busy!
TOASTER: Oh, you’re not busy eating toast, are you?
LISTER: I don’t want any!!
TOASTER: I mean, the whole purpose of my existence is to serve you with hot, buttered, scrummy toast. If you don’t want any, then my existence is meaningless.
LISTER: Good.
TOASTER: I toast, therefore I am.
LISTER: Will you shut up?!


42 posted on 11/23/2010 9:12:02 PM PST by null and void (We are now in day 672 of our national holiday from reality. - 0bama really isn't one of US.)
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To: Jack Hydrazine
Although I enjoy toast in the tub, following an OSHA advisory, I moved my toaster from the bathroom to the kitchen. Are you now telling me that I am in danger there, too?

As far as the "groping" goes, does it count as a grope if a toasted bagel pops up, out, and down into one's pyjamas?

43 posted on 11/23/2010 9:17:11 PM PST by Kenny Bunk (Obama. He's Ray Nagin in National Office)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

No doubt the toaster failure problem is somehow related to the bank failures.


44 posted on 11/23/2010 9:19:02 PM PST by wildbill (You're just jealous because the Voices talk only to me.)
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To: dfwgator

I have a flying toaster tie. My students have no idea what it is.


45 posted on 11/23/2010 9:22:40 PM PST by Poser (Enjoying tasty animals for 58 years)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Spatula.... Pifffft. Spatula is all slap-n-dash. Its ALL in the garlic press, I am telling you, THAT is where the real squeeze is.


46 posted on 11/23/2010 9:25:23 PM PST by Danae (Anail nathrach, orth' bhais's bethad, do chel denmha)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

My toaster ejects the toast directly onto the plate. : )


47 posted on 11/23/2010 9:27:07 PM PST by Califreak (November 2008 proved that Idiocracy isn't just a movie anymore)
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To: Jack Hydrazine; Slings and Arrows
That toaster in your kitchen may try to kill you... or at least grope you!

That could be the least of your toaster problems...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRq_SAuQDec

48 posted on 11/23/2010 9:52:11 PM PST by ApplegateRanch (Made in America, by proud American citizens, in 1946.)
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To: Jack Hydrazine
My toaster also plays my worn out collection of Bay Watch tapes. That seems dangerous on its own.


49 posted on 11/23/2010 9:54:05 PM PST by Lazlo in PA (Now living in a newly minted Red State.)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

Good post. Unplug your toaster before you use a knife or fork to try and extract your stuck bagel/bread/english muffin/etc.


50 posted on 11/23/2010 9:54:22 PM PST by PGalt
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