Posted on 11/23/2010 7:17:47 PM PST by Jack Hydrazine
November 26 Toaster Related Deaths at an All-Time High
Now that 2007 is nearly over, the World Organization of Statistics has released frightening new information that shows toaster related deaths are up all across the world this year.
"It's not just in the US, it's everywhere," said Dr. Kevin Willie, self-proclaimed 'Statistical Genius'. "It is an alarming trend, and only appears to be getting worse."
The number of toaster related deaths in the world this past year was 45. This is up 12 from last year, and up 15 from two years ago. The number of toaster related deaths in the US alone was 17, nearly a 7% increase over the past year. This year toasters have killed nearly ten times more people worldwide than the deadly polio virus, and no one disputes what a terrible plague polio has been on society.
"At the steep rate that toaster deaths are increasing, the entire human race may soon be wiped out," claimed Dr. Willie.
Most often, toaster deaths are caused by a lack of respect, and fear, for the common toaster.
"Toasters are programmed only to toast. They know nothing else. They feel no pain, they have no compassion. They will tear a man to pieces and cook him to a golden brown without a second thought," said Nathan Jones.
Nathan lost his wife and daughter in a toaster related incident four years ago and has been working to instill fear of toasters in all who he meets so that they will not have to relive his experience. "All they wanted was toast, but what they got was death," he often tells his audiences.
"People are lackadaisical, just putting bread and bagels into the toaster," said Dr. Jack Snow. "They don't even stop to think about how the toaster is really an unstoppable killing machine."
Dr. Snow works for the Aaron Burr Medical Institution, which specializes in toaster related injuries. He has treated dozens of toaster injuries in the past decade.
"I've seen things that you'd never want to see, things far worse than even a Mariah Carry movie," said Dr. Snow. "But saddest of all, most of these injuries could have been easily prevented."
One of Dr. Snow's recent cases involved a young newlywed couple. The wife lost her ring in a toaster while reaching for her bagel. And her foolhardy husband went after it with a fork.
"If only the husband would have contacted the Toaster Squad, they could have safely removed the ring," said Dr. Snow. "But he did not assess the real danger of the toaster, and it ended with me having to surgically reattach both arms."
Another recent case did not have such a happy ending. Little Bobby loved toast, and he loved taking bathes. But together, his two loves created an explosive mistress of death.
"Poor little Bobby, tried to take his toaster in the tub," said Dr. Snow, a tear streaming down his cheek. "We could only identify the body by comparing his teeth with our dental records. If only his parents had warned him about the dangers of Toaster Bathing, he would have worn his protective rubber suit and would still be with us today."
Dr. Snow, Nathan Jones, and others like them have been working hard for years to promote "Safe Toasting" across the United States. They have created television commercials and pamphlets detailing the dangers of using a toaster and what safety measures should be taken when you do.
"It is a simple reality that toaster injuries can be avoided," said Dr. Snow. "Always ground yourself before using a toaster, make sure you have rubber soled shoes, wear rubber gloves, and if you are toasting in a moist environment, don't forget your full body rubber suit. Follow these simple rules and you have no reason to fear your everyday breakfast routine."
While toaster deaths have been on a rise in recent years, their threat has remained largely unpublicized. Few people know the real dangers of toasters. Unfortunately, it seems that only now that toasters have become a leading cause of death worldwide are they truly being seen for what they truly are; cold, heartless killing machines. We must hope that with education and training, this trend will soon be reversed less we all be faced with the cruel wraith of the toaster.
or at least grope you!
I’ve been wondering about this lately.
My toaster has been laughing at me, and sometimes even tells me to do things... Bad things.
Lol...that’s funny stuff....darn those evil toasters....
The world is going to hell in a hand basket and I now have to worry about my toaster ... to large to comprehend. ;-)
It’s the damn Chinese. They are out to get us with toasters now.
Quick! Quick!
Your children may be at risk.
Permits and yearly renewal fees are in order as well as government mandated classes that teach us how to properly use a toaster.
The lives we can save.
The money we’ll rake in!
My Toaster always burns the bread so may be something to it.....
Smartphones, why not smarttoasters?
The toaster in your kitchen is nowhere near as dangerous as the one on the edge of your bath tub. I keep a real close eye on that one.
I have been wanting a toaster. I was planning on asking Santa to bring me one for Christmas, thank goodness I read this article. You may have saved my life Jack!
Be sure to stand barefoot in a puddle of water.
I had a nice shiney toaster once. Sort of expensive too. It matched the microwave, stove, oven, fridge and dish-washer. It brought the whole kitchen together.
Then I forced some home sliced bread which was too thick down into it. Toasted it real nice. But after that, it would not lock down to toast. Even when I held it down myself, it would not heat up. I became hysterical. If my wife were to find out what I had done to the harmonics of her kitchen...
I tried to take it apart and fix it myself, but all of the screws were propriatary and I had nothing that would work to undo a single one. So I did the next best thing: I threw it away and bought a cheap discolored replacement at Wallyworld. Plugged it in, stuck in some bread, worked the lever, and...
It would not stick down. Imagine the odds of buying a toaster that was broke the same way the first really expensive toaster was...
Then it dawned on my to try another outlet. Oh crap, trash day was yesterday...
They can have my toaster when they pry it from my toast eating hand!
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