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One Piper Piping: Pitt's "All I Want for Christmas"
DUmmie FUnnies ^ | December 26, 2010 | William Rivers Pitt, DUmmies, and Charles Henrickson

Posted on 12/26/2010 8:31:53 PM PST by Charles Henrickson

That nimble Christmas elf, Wee Willie Pitt, is holding court at Bukowski's, telling everyone within earshot his holiday wishes, here in this THREAD, "All I Want for Christmas."

The Pied Piper's pipings are in Red-nosed Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, wondering how Will's attempt at stopping smoking is going, is in the [brackets]:

All I Want for Christmas

[IS A FREAKIN' CIGARETTE, D*MMIT! AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!]

By William Rivers Pitt

[One Piper piping . . .]

It's snowing in Boston, finally. . . . until yesterday, we here haven't had so much as a flake.

[Well, that's debatable.]

I've never been much of a summer person; heat and humidity tend to turn me into a useless gob of, well, uselessness.

[No, Pitt, you're a useless gob of uselessness all year round!]

Spring is nice, but around here it has made a generational habit of lasting 0.0000031 days before the heat hammer comes down.

[Spring also has this nasty way of reminding one of a certain Rove indictment scoop of May 12, 2006.]

Autumn is, of course, the World Heavyweight Champion of Seasonal Awesome, but . . .

[This November ruined it.]

Give me winter. Give me cold wind and snowstorms . . .

[GIVE ME A CIGARETTE!!!]

bare branches wrapped in white, pink noses and boots and big coats with lots of pockets.

["Bare branches wrapped in white, pink noses"?? Is this like a cocaine reference or something, Will?]

You can dress for the cold. You can't dress for the heat. At least, I can't. . . .

[Exhibit A:]

I could go around in high August wearing nothing more than a handkerchief and a prayer. . . .

[No, please, Will, don't!]

and I would still be dying a slow, sweaty death. Hat, sweater, coat, gloves, boots, a positive attitude and a love for not sweating through your clothes. . . .

[No Pitt stains for sweaty Will!]

When I lived downtown and my bar was only a few blocks away, the best nights I can remember. . . .

[As opposed to all those nights I couldn't remember ANYTHING. . . .]

always came during blizzards; the regulars would wrap up and slog through the drifts until we staggered into the warmth. . . .

[Pitt would stagger even in the summer.]

Kevin Spacey the actor came in one of those snowbound nights . . . and I got to lift a toast to Keyser Freakin' Soze. Beat that with a stick.

[I'm sure that was a highlight for Kevin Spacey, too, getting to meet you, the famous William Rivers Pitt. Maybe he can play you in the movie, "The Usually Sauced Pitt."]

And, yes, give me Christmas, with all the attendant mayhem, crowds, expense, travel, family bedlam and the ceaseless, intolerable, inescapable music.

["It's beginning to look a lot like Fitzmas . . ."]

When I was sixteen, I got a job at Filene's in order to raise money for Christmas presents; it was my second job at the time (my third, actually, if you count the golf course gig. . . .

[Pitt has to emphasize that he has actually HELD a paying job at times, so as not to be dismissed as a mere trust-fund baby.]

They put me in the Men's Underwear section. . . .

[Big mistake. Pitt much preferred to be in Women's Underwear.]

my station was right below a ceiling speaker that played insipid Christmas music on a 45-minute loop...for the entire ten hours of each of my shifts.

[Ten business hours, which are longer than ten regular hours.]

Even worse was The Sock.

[Even worse was The Temporary Sock Puppet.]

Press the button, and the sock would play "Jingle Bells" for five straight minutes, like this: "DEE DEE DEE, DEE DEE DEE, DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE," . . . two minutes later, another customer would come over, push the button - "DEE DEE DEE, DEE DEE DEE, DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE" - say "How cute!"

[HEE HEE HEE, HEE HEE HEE! How cute!]

My wife works in a large retail store, and has to deal with Christmas music starting the day after Thanksgiving. If I hate it, she loathes it with the fire of a million supernovas. . . . No lie, she turns into a ravening werewolf. . . .

[Will's mother turned into a Raven.]

Before the weekend is out, I will have seen my mother, my wife's parents, my wife's brother and his new wife, my wife's whole extended family, and all of it with my wife at my side.

[I wonder if any of them are Rethuglicans. Oh, to be a fly on the wall!]

We will eat, we will drink, we will be merry. . . .

[Will has volunteered to take care of the drinking part.]

Before Santa and presents and shopping and all the attendant Christmas b*llsh*t got involved, this holiday was enshrined to commemorate a guy who got nailed to a tree for daring to tell people to be kind to one another.

[Well, there was a little more to it than that, Will.]

I'm not tremendously religious by any measurable standard . . .

[. . . but even so, I will now give you advice based on my lack of knowledge.]

but the guy who got nailed to that tree had some deeply valid points to make. . . .

[I don't know the guy's name, except as a curse word, and I don't really study the Bible or know much about it or even believe most of what it says, but still I'll pull something out of context and lecture you about it.]

that guy had some good things to say . . . those lessons are well worth remembering. . . .

[Just pick the parts you like, pull them out of context, make them say what you want them to say to support your political agenda, and ignore the rest--as I, William Rivers Pitt, Expert on Everything, will now demonstrate.]

especially in a year when the rest of us got royally screwed so rich people could get fat tax breaks they don't need.

[Even though those "rich people" are paying WAY MORE in taxes than anybody else to start with! And how does that royally screw you, Will Pitt, that they don't get royally screwed even more?]

If you have two cloaks, give one away. Someone might even call that "socialism."

[No, I would call it "voluntary charity." VOLUNTARY charity, which is a whole lot different than the government forcibly taking people's money away from them, against their will, in order to give it to others. Have you ever read that "Thou shalt not steal" thing, Willie?]

Take care. Enjoy the snow. Help someone if you can. Hold close to you who and what you love.

[Rotate your tires.]

Be fiercely present in these mad days. . . .

["Be fiercely present," blah blah blah. . . . If that isn't typical progressive mumbo-jumbo claptrap, I've never heard it.]

Remember what we can do, together, if we lean in to the task. This is all I want for Christmas: Lean in. Lean hard.

[Lean meat. . . . As usual, Pitt's essay has gone on and on, so we'll just hear from one reader . . .]

Ah, Will, how beautiful...These lines made me weep. . . .

[These lines made *me* weep:

All I Want for Christmas
By William Rivers Pitt]


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: christmas; dufu; dummie; dummiefunnies; dummies; pitt; williamriverspitt
EXTRA, EXTRA! PJ has a lead on how Pitt's line here about Christmas being about a "guy who got nailed to a tree"--how Michael Moore QUOTED Pitt on this, and how Pitt apparently PLAGIARIZED that line from Douglass Adams in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"!

PJ may do some follow-up on this, later in this thread or as a follow-up thread. Stay tuned!

1 posted on 12/26/2010 8:32:01 PM PST by Charles Henrickson
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To: PJ-Comix; Xenalyte; RMDupree; AlexW; CzarNicky; Mike Fieschko; motzman; codercpc; thingumbob; ...

Pied Piper Pitt PING! —with a possible Pitt plagiarism angle to come! And Michael Moore QUOTING . . . PITT??


2 posted on 12/26/2010 8:36:46 PM PST by Charles Henrickson (One Piper piping . . .)
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To: Charles Henrickson

Top 5! Bow!


3 posted on 12/26/2010 8:37:44 PM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: Charles Henrickson

I pitty da fool!


4 posted on 12/26/2010 8:41:55 PM PST by GeronL (#7 top poster at CC, friend to all, nicest guy ever, +96/-14, ignored by 1 sockpuppet.. oh & BANNED)
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To: Charles Henrickson

Arrest that merry “gentleman.”


5 posted on 12/26/2010 8:48:35 PM PST by Hillarys Gate Cult
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To: Charles Henrickson
It's awfully good to know that our avatar of moral righteousness Will Pitt has condescended to allow that Christ may have had "some good things to say." A lot of guys got nailed to trees back then for one thing or another but only one was the Son of God. You'd think somebody would name a holiday after Him or something.

Nevertheless, it's also good to know that Pitt approves of the global warming-related blizzard that's about to reduce the environs of Boston to an icy zombie movie. They can snowshoe to Bukowski's and barricade themselves in against the Yukon blast but sooner or later they're going to run out of booze. Maybe even in 24 business hours.

6 posted on 12/26/2010 8:51:19 PM PST by Billthedrill
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To: Charles Henrickson

Oh Man Charles! Did you see the one yesterday Where the Pittster decided to post a thread about how Mikey Moore Quoted him in his Christmas message?

I was going to ping you but it was Christmas.

It was all Pitt, gloating about how great Pitt was.
Bigger than Jesus!

I felt dirty just reading it LoL


7 posted on 12/26/2010 8:54:47 PM PST by mylife (The Roar Of The Masses Could Be Farts)
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To: Charles Henrickson

I wanted to ping you to this yesterday.

The narcissism is remarkable!


8 posted on 12/26/2010 8:55:47 PM PST by mylife (The Roar Of The Masses Could Be Farts)
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To: Charles Henrickson

#9!


9 posted on 12/26/2010 8:57:46 PM PST by wjcsux ("In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." - George Orwell)
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To: Billthedrill

Fitzmas....?
No..no...
I’ve got it! Pittsmas!!


10 posted on 12/26/2010 8:58:16 PM PST by mylife (The Roar Of The Masses Could Be Farts)
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To: mylife
Oohhh...have a Holly Jolly Pittsmas! I'm thinking stockings full of cheap hooch and presents for all that you stole from somebody else. At the stroke of midnight we could all gather around the mirror and sing carols to ourselves!

I'm going to start a lawsuit to make it a state holiday right now.

11 posted on 12/26/2010 9:01:25 PM PST by Billthedrill
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To: Charles Henrickson

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=439&topic_id=69878&mesg_id=69878


12 posted on 12/26/2010 9:03:52 PM PST by mylife (The Roar Of The Masses Could Be Farts)
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To: Billthedrill
At the stroke of midnight we could all gather around the mirror and sing carols to ourselves!

Hee Hee!

13 posted on 12/26/2010 9:04:46 PM PST by mylife (The Roar Of The Masses Could Be Farts)
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To: Charles Henrickson

What a complete, arrogant dick.


14 posted on 12/26/2010 9:06:46 PM PST by Poser (Enjoying tasty animals for 58 years)
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To: Charles Henrickson
They put me in the Men's Underwear section. . . .


15 posted on 12/26/2010 9:15:31 PM PST by mylife (The Roar Of The Masses Could Be Farts)
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To: Charles Henrickson

What’s the story with this puke being a “trust fund baby”? Does he claim to be one or is it the child molesting sock puppet alter personality claiming it?


16 posted on 12/26/2010 9:27:10 PM PST by submarinerswife (Stay focused and determined. Our destination is NOVEMBER!!)
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To: Charles Henrickson

17 posted on 12/26/2010 9:55:32 PM PST by VeniVidiVici (Barack Obama - Racing to beat Jimmy Carter for 'Worst President Ever')
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To: Charles Henrickson
And, yes, give me Christmas, with all the attendant mayhem, crowds, expense, travel, family bedlam and the ceaseless, intolerable, inescapable music.

["It's beginning to look a lot like Fitzmas . . ."]

PPP said the C-word!!!??? What next? *** bless America??...well...maybe not....

18 posted on 12/26/2010 9:55:57 PM PST by LUV W (Whenever Obama wins, America loses. No compromises...take our country back!)
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To: Charles Henrickson; PJ-Comix

I was one of the Freepers that chased Pitt out of Free Republic.


19 posted on 12/26/2010 10:05:12 PM PST by Lazamataz (If Illegal Aliens are Undocumented Workers, then Thieves are Undocumented Shoppers.)
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To: Lazamataz; WilliamPitt
I was one of the Freepers that chased Pitt out of Free Republic.

You hit it, Laz?

Yes, boys and girls, William Pitt at one time long ago was a LOUSY DUMMIE TROLL!!! While his account was banned, of course, his screen name still exists, as you can see with this post.

20 posted on 12/26/2010 10:09:23 PM PST by Charles Henrickson (One Piper piping . . .)
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To: Charles Henrickson

It appears that Pitt’s rage has mellowed from earlier years.


21 posted on 12/26/2010 10:18:33 PM PST by Rebelbase ( Islam is a mental disorder.)
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To: Charles Henrickson
When I lived downtown and my bar was only a few blocks away, the best nights I can remember. . . .

. . . were the ones that didn't end with you passed out on the floor?

22 posted on 12/26/2010 11:14:02 PM PST by Rainbow Rising (Stop the change, I want to get off!)
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To: Charles Henrickson
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I love that movie, Zooey is a sweetheart.


23 posted on 12/26/2010 11:20:33 PM PST by MaxMax
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To: Charles Henrickson

“Many were increasingly of the opinion that they’d all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans.

And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting on her own in a small café in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything.

Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone about it, a terrible, stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea was lost forever.

This is not her story.”.......


24 posted on 12/26/2010 11:28:02 PM PST by bitt ( Charles Krauthammer: "There's desperation, and then there's reptilian desperation, ..")
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To: Charles Henrickson

WillPitt: I wanna talk about ME, wanna talk about I
I wanna talk about Number One, oh my me my


25 posted on 12/26/2010 11:53:15 PM PST by Choose Ye This Day ("As government expands, liberty contracts." -- Ronald Reagan)
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To: Charles Henrickson

I would probably have to do it tomorrow since I have to split out soon to West Palm Beach to see my folks. That will take all day. Maybe can do it tonight or if you want to take it, go ahead.


26 posted on 12/27/2010 5:08:39 AM PST by PJ-Comix (The Coupon Whisperer)
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To: Charles Henrickson
Yes, Pitt “borrowed” Adams’ line without attribution. In the real world, this is called plagiarism.
27 posted on 12/27/2010 5:11:58 AM PST by Army Air Corps (Four fried chickens and a coke)
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To: mylife; Charles Henrickson

Pitt is a Bruins fan? I knew there was a reason I stopped following hockey.

BTW, the most amazing thing about this episode is not that Pitt borrowed a line without attribution. It’s not that Moore quoted him. It’s the fact that MNoore had enough class to edit the swearing out of Pitt’s rant about the birth of Jesus. Now, if that ain’t a Christmas miracle...

Too bad that libs won’t take Moore and Pitt’s advice about helping the poor, as we know from study after study.


28 posted on 12/27/2010 5:52:32 AM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: MaxMax

She sings like an angel, too.


29 posted on 12/27/2010 5:53:57 AM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: Charles Henrickson
I am amazed that pitt thinks anyone cares to read these tiny tidbits about his life.
30 posted on 12/27/2010 6:37:55 AM PST by Ditter
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To: Hillarys Gate Cult
Arrest that merry “gentleman.”

Let nothing rude display....

31 posted on 12/27/2010 7:13:15 AM PST by mikrofon (Merry Christmas!)
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To: Charles Henrickson
If you have two cloaks, give one away. Someone might even call that "socialism."

I'm Mister Pitt, Miser
I'm Mister 'Son'
I'm Mister Arse Blister,
Trust-fund Account: Two Hundred One

They call me Pitt, Miser
What ever I touch
Won't escape from my clutch-
I'm too much...

32 posted on 12/27/2010 7:23:24 AM PST by mikrofon (Merry Christmas!)
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To: Charles Henrickson
"Kevin Spacey the actor came in one of those snowbound nights . . . and I got to lift a toast to Keyser Freakin' Soze. Beat that with a stick."

Who??? Over the years I've met Alan Alda, Gene Roddenberry, a whole bunch of the original Star Trek actors, Barry Manilow AND Sarah Palin (the best of all)! Woooot! Beat that with a night stick, LOL! ;-)

What a doofus this Pitt fellow is, Kevin Spacey?? Really??
33 posted on 12/27/2010 7:29:20 AM PST by pillut48 (Israel doesn't have a friend in President Obama...and neither does the USA! (h/t pgkdan))
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To: Ditter
I am amazed that pitt thinks anyone cares to read these tiny tidbits about his life.

Well, apparently the dumb asses in DUmmieland hang on his every word.

No matter what he posts, it attracts the mouth-breathers and the heavy-sighers, the idiots and the nitwits, who hang on his every word.

And anyone that calls him out on his crap is tombstoned real quick.

I've met his father, who seems to have a little bit more on the ball than his son, but even still, the entire family seems to be textbook examples of stupidity and self-aggrandizement.

34 posted on 12/27/2010 7:33:50 AM PST by OldSmaj (I am an avowed enemy of islam and Obama is a damned fool and traitor. Questions?)
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To: MaxMax

“Thanks for all the FISHmas!”???


35 posted on 12/27/2010 7:34:09 AM PST by pillut48 (Israel doesn't have a friend in President Obama...and neither does the USA! (h/t pgkdan))
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To: Charles Henrickson

Thanks for the ping. On the plus side, Jesus was praised on DU, and that isn’t something you see every day. On the down side, Pitt came very close to quoting Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure: “Be excellent to each other”.


36 posted on 12/27/2010 8:00:02 AM PST by Fantasywriter
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To: mikrofon

That’s a bucket of win there, Mikey. Outstanding!


37 posted on 12/27/2010 8:21:08 AM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: pillut48

So dish, dude...what were they like?


38 posted on 12/27/2010 8:22:57 AM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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