Skip to comments.A Bedtime Story II – The Gangz That Couldn’t Spray Straight.
Posted on 08/08/2011 6:05:11 PM PDT by marktwain
We interrupt this program for an Urgent Report!
This is Ernest Franks for Eyewitness News. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you exclusive, eyewitness footage of the carnage thats just unfolded on a quiet street corner in the greater metro area. Police and Ambulances are racing to the scene. Our crack reporter, Vera High is on the scene. Come in, Vera
Yes, Ernie, I hear you. And Ive warned you about that crack reporter sobriquet before. Youre gonna hear from my union rep, if you dont cut it out.
Sorry Vera. So whats going on around that quiet street corner. Can you see any dead bodies?
No, Ernie, the mood here is one of a bunch of people who have cheated the hangman. Luckily, nobody was hurt.
Well, thats not much of a story, Vera. No blood? Remember, hon, if it bleeds, it leads. No blood, no face time.
Ernie, you dont understand. Police are just now starting to get a count of the spent casings, but it looks to me as if over a hundred rounds were fired at a city bus. Its a miracle nobody was so much as wounded.
Perhaps youd better fill us in on what happened, then Vera.
I hear you, Ernie. It seems there was an altercation on a city bus earlier today. One of the people involved in that dust-up used their cell phone to bring in reinforcements, if you will, and have them waiting at the next bus stop. When this person got off the bus, the friends opened fire at the bus. Clearly, their intention was to mow down everybody on board. The bus security cameras and a nearby traffic cam captured the action. I dont know if it was bad aim, or dumb luck, but everybody on the bus survived, completely unharmed. The bus, of course, was not so lucky.
From the looks of the bus there, Vera, it looks as if maybe a hundred rounds were fired.
Yes, Ernie. Thats what I said earlier.
Do you know if the perps used assault rifles?
Ernie, theres not really any such a thing as an assault rifle. From the video, we know exactly what the assailants used. They had a fully-automatic AK-47 and a Heckler and Koch MP5-N. As both guns were firing in full-auto, they are undoubtedly obtained illegally. The private ownership of fully-automatic weapons has been tightly controlled for decades. There are very few legal full-auto machine guns that the average person can purchase, and theres a lot of paperwork and fees on top of that. I cant imagine these gang-bangers got these guns legally.
Well, of course they should be illegal, but if you heard my exclusive Eyewitness News editorial piece last night, youd know that I came out for a renewed ban on all those assault weapons and their dangerous extra-capacity clips.
Ernie, you might want to read something other than a telePrompTer every now and then. The Clinton Assault Weapons Ban had nothing to do with the kinds of guns used here today. They regulated only semi-automatic weapons. The kind that hunters use. And if you look at the stats, the gun ban had absolutely zero effect on crime stats both before and after the ban. Oh, and they dont use clips. They use magazines.
Well, I wouldnt know about that. Now lets go to our Ace Reporter, Biff Wingman, whos live with United States Senator Phillip Buster.
Oh, sure, Ernie. Biff gets to be an Ace reporter, but you keep making crack jokes about me.
THANKS, Vera for that report. Over to you, Biff.
if Wingman here, with Senator Buster Senator, your thoughts on this dramatic shooting.
Well, Biff, Im all for our sacred Bill o Rights and Americans right to defend themselves, but these guns dont belong on our streets. But Ive been talkin with my caucus, and weve come up with what we think is a way to prevent tragedies like this in the wonderful neighborhoods in our inner cities.
Vera High, here Senator. Im on the scene, live. Can you hear me?
I can hear ya fine, Miz High. Can you hear me?
Yes, Senator, I can hear you. The neighborhood Im in is anything but wonderful. In fact,drive-bys happen here every day. Its why my producer insisted I wear this bulletproof vest while Im out here, risking my my self for this TV station. So, Senator, short of bulldozing this slum and replacing it with high-rise, luxury condos, whats your plan to fix this problem?
Well, Vera, it actually combines three very Progressive ideas from our recent past. You remember when President Clinton earmarked funds for midnight basketball to keep our troubled youth-at-risk off the streets and on the courts? And of course, you know all about our inner-city needle exchange programs that have been a big win in the War on Drugs?
Look, Senator, Midnight Basketball was a colossal failure, with millions of taxpayer dollars spent to no avail. And that needle exchange program might keep a junkie or two from reusing a dirty needle, but its done nothing to stop drugs. If anything, its made it easier for junkies to get high.
Mizz High, you have to look at these program from the proper perspective. They have a great psychological benefit to the community. Besides, this time, this program isguaranteed to work. We gonna call it, Midnight Armory.
Senator, Earnest Franks here how will Midnight Armories work?
Well, Ernie, we realize theres no way to stem the illegal flow of guns into our inner cities, as long as those folks at the NRA have anything ta do bout it. So were gonna concentrate on getting gang members to use what they have more intelligently. Our plan calls for a number of mobile gunsmithin vans that can head out in a rapid-response fashion to troubled areas. When they arrive at the scene, well engage the gang members and explain to them that were here to help. Well service their weapons field strip em, clean and repair them. then do somethin called sightin em in why you wouldnt believe how many of these weapons have sights that are out of alignment and then direct them to our portable range for some accuracy drills. Well also have an ammo exchange program, so we can keep them from using cheap, roundball loads that have a tendency to go through-and-through, and exchange them for jacketed hollow-points that are much less likely to penetrate and take out a target behind whatever theyre shooting at.
Senator, Vera High here. What in the Hell are you people smoking in D.C.? Hows this supposed to keep us safer?
Mizz High, again, youre not seein the big picture. If the gang members can shoot straight, theyll be far less likely to spray a bus, trying to take out one victim, miss and put everyone at risk. This way, theyll eventually be proficient enough to snipe from buildings a half-mile away. Theyll use less lead thats better for the environment. And we can get the guns off the streets and into the attics and on the rooftops where they belong.
But Senator, the effective range of an AK-47 wont really let you shoot from a rooftop.
Right Ms. High, but thats where our gun exchange portion of our program kicks in. Weve recently come across a source of high-powered sniper rifles U.S. Army surplus, ya know. So our plan is to allow the gang members to qualify on our ranges, then trade in thoseAKs and ARs to get some serious firepower in sniper rifles. Weve even got a plan for those who qualify at the highest levels to trade up to a .50 cal. BMG. Now thats some horsepower!
You people are crazy! a .50 cal round can put a hole clean through an engine block of an 18-wheeler! Dont you understand youll turn the inner city into a combat zone?
Mizz High, its YOU who dont understand. Dont bother me with this silly little facts of yours. I can produce studies from our office that can refute anything you wanna say. This is not about results. This is about making the people believe we are Doing Something About the Problem.
Ernest Franks here, Senator so this outreach would help the gangs be more efficient?
Yes, Ernie. And of course, well let the gangs know were not there to judge. Or to entrap them. Hell, they may find once they get to know the cops, they may like em. And look at it this way if we find any marksmanship superstars, we can always offer them a job with the police. Thatll get em off the streets for sure. And you know, weve been pushing to lower the requirements for getting a badge, because there just arent enough people willing to be shot at in their work.
Well I guess it would make sense to get the best shooters jobs with the police, so theyd be on our side
Senator, Vera High again
Excuse me, Vera. You said youre high again?
NO ERNIE, you IDIOT. I said oh, nevermind. Senator. Dont you think that this program will do nothing more than make the gang members more efficient killers?
Mizz High, you have to look at the numbers. Nothin we do is gonna stop them fromshootin. Fish gotta swim and all that. But this program works we get a place to use some o that stimulus money. An, Hell, if they do end up killin somebody, well, you cant get more shovel-ready than that, right? We get the support of the greenies theyll love it that well have them using fewer bullets, which will equal lower levels of lead in the environment. The gun guys like Brady and Bloomberg will love it, since eventually, all the gang members will be wearin badges. And if they dont all get gigs with the pigs, they can always hire the trained gang-bangers as private security. Think of what it will do for the peace of mind around there, when gangs go from drive-bys to sniper attacks.
But Senator, no one will be brave enough to venture out-of-doors!
Ex-ACT-ly. And when the neighborhoods nice and quiet, we can slap ourselves on the backs and call it another win-win for Progressive policing. Its the perfect plan.
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