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Rise in Violent Crime No Cause for Concern AG Says
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Oct 2012 | John Semmens

Posted on 10/20/2012 2:54:59 PM PDT by John Semmens

This week, the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics reported that violent crimes jumped by 18% from 2010 to 2011.The increase was attributed to “an increased tendency of people to express themselves through non-verbal means of communication.”

“If you look more deeply into the data you’ll see that a 22% increase in simple assault more than accounts for the uptick in violence,” said Attorney General Eric Holder. “It’s largely a case of more people being more physically demonstrative in how they interact with others.”

These “physically demonstrative interactions are widely misconstrued due to cultural prejudices that work against those who are verbally challenged,” Holder argued. “People who can’t understand how a push or a punch could represent a valid way of making a point file charges. The filing of charges inflates the crime statistics.”

Holder said he couldn’t help but feel that “there is a tinge of racism at work here. White folks who are oblivious to how their non-physical words or attitudes might hurt the feelings of others are quick to take offense if one of their victims responds with a fist to their face. Unfortunately, as it now stands, the law is biased in their favor.”

The Attorney General promised that “a second term for President Obama will present the opportunity to revisit the laws on assault and provide for a fairer balance.” Holder speculated that “a new category of ‘expressive assault’ could be established that would place physical and non-physical forms of interaction on a more level playing field.”

Whether the creation of a new category of assault would lead to a review of cases of persons currently serving time in prison for assault, Holder declined to say. “It’s certainly something we’d want to take a look at, but we can’t make any hard promises at this point in time,” Holder said.

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news posts you can find them at...

http://azconservative.org/2012/10/20/president-humiliates-jon-stewart/


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: crime; expressiveassault; satire

1 posted on 10/20/2012 2:55:05 PM PDT by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

HaHaHa. Thanks!


2 posted on 10/20/2012 2:58:48 PM PDT by 4Liberty (Some on our "Roads & Bridges" head to the beach. Others head to their offices, farms, libraries....)
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To: John Semmens

0bama and h0lder attack our sovereignty every day.


3 posted on 10/20/2012 3:00:34 PM PDT by Paladin2
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To: John Semmens

Oh my gosh! Do you know how many paragraphs I read before I figured out this was satire?!! Unbelievable!!


4 posted on 10/20/2012 3:01:52 PM PDT by rabidralph
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To: John Semmens

It’s jest Eric Holder’s chilluns playing Knockout King and Flash Rob on Whitey. Nothing to be concerned about.


5 posted on 10/20/2012 3:28:52 PM PDT by E. Pluribus Unum (Government is the religion of the psychopath.)
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To: John Semmens

SATIRE should be in the title!


6 posted on 10/20/2012 3:33:50 PM PDT by BigDaddyTX (Don't Mex with Texas)
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To: John Semmens

LOL John. Good one again.


7 posted on 10/20/2012 4:31:28 PM PDT by rockinqsranch (Dems, Libs, Socialists, call 'em what you will, they ALL have fairies livin' in their trees.)
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To: John Semmens

I’m tired of these satires. This country is so screwed up I can’t tell what’s real and what’s satire, and it’s not funny.


8 posted on 10/20/2012 4:37:26 PM PDT by ozzymandus
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