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$400,000 Study of Duck Genitalia Defended
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Apr 2013 | John Semmens

Posted on 04/06/2013 11:15:26 AM PDT by John Semmens

The citation of $400,000 of taxpayer dollars being spent on a study of duck genitalia as an example of waste was assailed by National Science Foundation spokeswoman Deborah Wing.

“I would say that the poll showing nearly 90% of respondents disapproving of this kind of outlay by the federal government bolsters my confidence that we are on the right track in our funding decisions,” Wing contended. “To the average person, this looks like a poor use of money. This is why expert opinion must overrule an uninformed general public.”

“Lost in the rush to ridicule how federal funds are disbursed are the incredibly intriguing findings of studies like this,” Wing explained. “I mean, how many of these critics were aware that duck penises are cork-screw shaped—a piece of information that might never have come to light without this study? The future value of such information is incalculable. We must never permit the quest for knowledge to be stifled by the short-sighted selfishness of taxpayers and their advocates.”

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

http://www.freedomsphoenix.com/Opinion/131850-2013-04-05-semi-news-a-satire-of-recent-news-april-7-2013.htm


TOPICS: Government; Pets/Animals; Politics; Science
KEYWORDS: satire; spending; taxes; waste

1 posted on 04/06/2013 11:15:26 AM PDT by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

Republican-funded!


2 posted on 04/06/2013 11:22:38 AM PDT by ThePatriotsFlag ( EVERY DIME Obama Spends is given to him by the Republicans in the House.)
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To: John Semmens
"expert opinion must overrule an uninformed general public.”

Wish that were true about elections.

3 posted on 04/06/2013 11:25:44 AM PDT by Albion Wilde ("Commies out of D.C.!" --Raoul Deming, 1955-2013)
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To: John Semmens
“I mean, how many of these critics were aware that duck penises are cork-screw shaped—a piece of information that might never have come to light without this study?

So, how exactly does this knowledge benefit us?

Can we now use ducks to open out bottles of wine?

4 posted on 04/06/2013 11:27:27 AM PDT by Robert DeLong (u)
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To: John Semmens

5 posted on 04/06/2013 11:28:37 AM PDT by dfwgator
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To: Robert DeLong

I really have to start reading before responding. Stupid satire.


6 posted on 04/06/2013 11:28:55 AM PDT by Robert DeLong (u)
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To: dfwgator

Bwa ha ha haaaaaa!


7 posted on 04/06/2013 11:31:29 AM PDT by ViLaLuz (2 Chronicles 7:14)
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To: John Semmens

8 posted on 04/06/2013 11:38:17 AM PDT by Hoodat (I stand with Rand.)
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To: Hoodat
So nobody, not even farmers or hunters, ever noticed the corkscrew penis?


9 posted on 04/06/2013 11:44:54 AM PDT by Zuben Elgenubi
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To: John Semmens

Once upon a time, satire was clearly satire and we could all enjoy the humor. Today satire boils our blood until we re-read the source and note that it *is* satire. What changed? Oh, yeah. Idiots took control of government and made the satire believable. That'll do it.


10 posted on 04/06/2013 11:54:19 AM PDT by so_real ( "The Congress of the United States recommends and approves the Holy Bible for use in all schools.")
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To: John Semmens

The researchers promised none of the money would be used to produce duck porno.


11 posted on 04/06/2013 11:58:41 AM PDT by count-your-change (you don't have to be brilliant, not being stupid is enough)
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To: John Semmens

A cloaca is a chamber that is found on some types of animals, especially birds and reptiles. Instead of having separate openings in the body for fecal matter, urine and reproductive fluids, all of these systems discharge their contents into the chamber, where they are eliminated through a single opening. This means that the cloaca is used for both elimination of waste and for breeding.

The cloaca is found in all kinds of birds, including everything from chickens, pigeons and geese to hummingbirds and eagles. Some mammals, such as the duck-billed platypus and the echidna, also have one, but most mammals have much more advanced reproductive and digestive systems. Reptiles such as lizards, snakes, turtles and crocodiles have a cloaca, but the males have some type of a penis as well, though the penis is only used for breeding and not for excreting urine.

Perhaps the Feds could pay me the $400,000 for the 3 minute research answer that some one in Washington failed to do. Reproductive organs of animals have been studied for more than 100 years. So what’s new?


12 posted on 04/06/2013 12:03:26 PM PDT by Doc91678 (Doc91678)
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To: John Semmens

studying duck genetalia is 100000% better than creating the next big world war by giving our money (and advanced weaponry) to terrorist organizations like the MuslimBros in Egypt (and their extension division in “palestinian terror-tories,” and their pals in the “syrian revolutionary forces”)

let’s have MORE duck genetalia studies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


13 posted on 04/06/2013 12:12:15 PM PDT by faithhopecharity (()
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To: John Semmens

Damn it, John! You did it again! Is my face red. Either you are really, really good (I suspect you are) or I am really, really...well, you know.


14 posted on 04/06/2013 12:13:12 PM PDT by miss marmelstein ( Richard Lives Yet!)
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To: miss marmelstein; John Semmens

It is helps... he is that good! John has infuriated me a few times. Once, I posted a huge paragraph and just went on and on and on. He is a sadist, really! LOL!


15 posted on 04/06/2013 12:21:00 PM PDT by momtothree
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To: John Semmens
"This is why expert opinion must overrule an uninformed general public.”

This is why people that have a superiority complex are actually fools. Because there is not one informed person that worked to earn that money that thought they would rather spend it on looking at duck dicks.

But some liberal idiot who never had a real job that produced tangible goods, thinks it is important enough to spend someone ELSES money on it.


16 posted on 04/06/2013 12:22:12 PM PDT by American in Israel (A wise man's heart directs him to the right, but the foolish mans heart directs him toward the left.)
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To: Robert DeLong

Yes, but first you must induce the duck to have an errection.


17 posted on 04/06/2013 12:27:45 PM PDT by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens
"This is why expert opinion must overrule an uninformed general public.” (Low Information Obama Voters).
18 posted on 04/06/2013 12:29:15 PM PDT by FlingWingFlyer (Dude! Where's my Bill of Rights?)
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To: momtothree; John Semmens

Sucker-punched again, lol!


19 posted on 04/06/2013 12:30:31 PM PDT by miss marmelstein ( Richard Lives Yet!)
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To: John Semmens

FR Akin supporters should like this research. A female duck does have biological anti rape defenses!

And any animal that can seasonally grow a huge penis then HAVE IT FALL OFF deserves careful study. If we could weaponize a “your pecker falls off” bomb we might not ever have to go to war again!


20 posted on 04/06/2013 12:33:09 PM PDT by allmendream (Tea Party did not send GOP to D.C. to negotiate the terms of our surrender to socialism)
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To: faithhopecharity

Rather than either or, why not neither nor of the spending choices?


21 posted on 04/06/2013 12:39:34 PM PDT by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

yes of course you are right

(but if you cut off all their harmful and/or wasteful spending, and especially the most ridiculous parts of it, then the administration will have a giant collective heart attack for sure....”cold turkey withdrawl” may be too difficult for them to withstand...?)


22 posted on 04/06/2013 12:50:37 PM PDT by faithhopecharity (()
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To: John Semmens; All
Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug
23 posted on 04/06/2013 12:57:53 PM PDT by SWAMPSNIPER (The Second Amendment, a Matter of Fact, Not a Matter of Opinion)
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To: John Semmens

Gotta be done by a “duck d*ck doctor.”


24 posted on 04/06/2013 1:01:09 PM PDT by Vermont Lt (Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?)
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To: John Semmens

Not Safe For Minors

“Do you quack like a duck
When you f#@%, do you quack,”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=eY-sDKtIhbc


25 posted on 04/06/2013 1:11:20 PM PDT by wxgesr (I want to be the first person to surf on another planet.)
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To: John Semmens

Its not going to the ducks. It’s going to line some politician’s pocketbook.


26 posted on 04/06/2013 1:33:13 PM PDT by freekitty (Give me back my conservative vote; then find me a real conservative to vote for)
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To: Hoodat

Is that Long Duck Dong?

Automobeeeeeel?


27 posted on 04/06/2013 2:06:06 PM PDT by EQAndyBuzz (The reason we own guns is to protect ourselves from those wanting to take our guns from us.)
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To: EQAndyBuzz

LOL! You beat me to it!


28 posted on 04/06/2013 2:19:14 PM PDT by Califreak (11/6/12 The Day America Divided By Zero)
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To: John Semmens

“Yes, but first you must induce the duck to have an erection.”

Didn’t you get the memo?

Duck Viagra is our next Federally Funded research project.

To be a balanced study, we must evaluate ducks in their winter habitats, say Rio or Cabo.

We will need AT LEAST $500K-$600K.


29 posted on 04/06/2013 2:28:02 PM PDT by BwanaNdege ("To learn who rules over you simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize"- Voltaire)
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To: John Semmens

“Yes, but first you must induce the duck to have an errection.”

Half the money went to the fluffers.


30 posted on 04/06/2013 2:29:53 PM PDT by EQAndyBuzz (The reason we own guns is to protect ourselves from those wanting to take our guns from us.)
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To: Robert DeLong

http://www.masslive.com/living/index.ssf/2013/04/university_of_massachusetts-amherst_professor_patricia_brennan_defends_her_research_in_face_of_fox_n.html

University of Massachusetts-Amherst professor Patricia Brennan defends her government-funded duck genitalia research in face of Fox news online poll, Internet debate


31 posted on 04/06/2013 2:37:16 PM PDT by BwanaNdege ("To learn who rules over you simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize"- Voltaire)
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To: John Semmens

They funny thing is the government does fund crap like this. How else would they know what to put into their grade school studies of multiple sexualities?

1.4 Million Stimulus Dollars for Sex Study
http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Government/2012/05/15/Stimulus-Money-Funded-Sex-Study


32 posted on 04/06/2013 7:51:43 PM PDT by Maelstorm (This country wasn't founded with the battle cry "Give me liberty or give me a govt check!")
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To: John Semmens
Yes, but first you must induce the duck to have an erection.

"Duck erection, people erection! You Americans and your erections! In DPRK we have no erections!"


33 posted on 04/06/2013 8:04:23 PM PDT by COBOL2Java (Fighting Obama without Boehner & McConnell is like going deer hunting without your accordion)
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To: John Semmens

This is what happens when we have allowed the government access directly to our paychecks. It is purely criminal that people’s very own income is taxed and far far beyond what the founders fought against the king for. It will die soon!


34 posted on 04/06/2013 8:06:56 PM PDT by fabian (" And a new day will dawn for those who stand long, and the forests will echo in laughter")
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To: John Semmens

All I know about ducks and sex I learned from Mary Prankster.


35 posted on 04/06/2013 11:36:05 PM PDT by TChad (Call them Oppressives, not Progressives.)
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To: BwanaNdege
Oh okay thanks. So there is some truth to the story.

I love how she concludes that male ducks rape female ducks. While it may indeed be interesting I still am not sure how we will benefit from this research. However, I will watch to see if this research does lead to mankind's, or even duckkind's, benefit.

This brings us back to the ducks. Male ducks force copulations on females, and males and females are engaged in a genital arms race with surprising consequences.

Male ducks have elaborate corkscrew-shaped penises, the length of which correlates with the degree of forced copulation males impose on female ducks. Females are often unable to escape male coercion, but they have evolved vaginal morphology that makes it difficult for males to inseminate females close to the sites of fertilization and sperm storage.

Males have counterclockwise spiraling penises, while females have clockwise spiraling vaginas and blind pockets that prevent full eversion of the male penis.

36 posted on 04/07/2013 8:11:24 AM PDT by Robert DeLong (u)
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