Posted on 01/20/2014 7:29:58 AM PST by mononymous
The following is mostly satire.
President Obama disclosed on Friday that he plans to rein in the NSA’s spying. His critics immediately said that he can’t be trusted to which the White House responded, “hey, did we lie to you about keeping your health care plan and your doctor or about how that youtube video provoked the killing of our guys in Benghazi?” No, we didn’t. We only told the least amount of truth!” Meanwhile, terrorists around the world celebrated this news because it signaled that the unabated surveillance of all Americans, rather than profiling them, was more likely to identify a cheating spouse, colleagues or neighbors of an NSA staffer rather than a true jihadist.
More news from the President, he said this week that with his pen and phone, he will take action on his agenda and bypass Congress. He didn’t say, yet, if he intends to be dictator for life. When asked if this means that we’ve finally become a third world, banana republic, a DOD spokesman said, “you’ll know we are there if and when the President takes off on a foreign trip and we tell him that if he comes back, he’ll be arrested.” Gen Al Haig could not be reached for comment.
This week, the FBI dropped all criminal investigations related to the IRS targeting of conservative groups; they said that under direction of Attorney General Eric Holder, they’ll be off to help OJ find the real killers. Resources are also needed, they say, in handing out weapons to Mexican drug cartels; the FBI is apparently worried that if they are not fast, the cartels will be furious.
Gov. Chris Christie, at another press conference to discuss the GWB scandal, expressed dismay that the media would be concerned about the size of things, he reportedly said, “look, I know it’s big, huge even, but have you guys taken a look at Hillary’s thighs recently?” He went on to add, “the woman’s got 20 + years of scandals on her resume, I have a lot of catching up to do if I want a promotion. I mean, we are talking about the presidency here…”
Speaking about Hillary, a Senate committee, run by Democrats, declared this week that the murder of our personnel in Benghazi could have been avoided. On learning this, she repeated a line she’d previously borrowed from her impeached husband, “what difference, at this point, does it make….” Mr. Clinton had used the same line when news broke about the existence of Ms. Lewinsky’s stained blue dress.
It was also revealed this week that back in 2008, Hillary started an enemies list. Remember when Democrats used to beat up Nixon about enemies list? Oh, right, they still do. It appears that the info was kept in an excel spreadsheet, with a number from 1 to 5 assigned to each name. Those rated at #1 will be greeted in hell by Hillary who will then proceed to rotisserie the non-believer in the bluest of flames. At the opposite end of the scale, those rated at #5 are going to have a loved one harassed by Bill or, depending on distance, by Anthony Weiner. Anyway, since Rahm “Dead Fish” Emmanuel wrote an app that makes it very easy to do; enemies list is all the rage for the power hungry who simply wait, probably at a bridge some where, to mete out their revenge.
Oprah Winfrey was back in the news this week for not being nominated for an Oscar. Apparently, her movie was a flop and white Hollywood limousine liberals, to be redundant, blamed “racists,” Tea party types for not wanting to pay to see the movie. “These are the same types of people,” one industry spokesperson said, “who wouldn’t recognize her magnificence or even sell her a handbag. The bastards.”
The new mayor of NYC, Bill de Blasio aka Kaiser Wilhelm II aka Kaiser Wilhelm The Turd, wants to quickly and promptly ban horse drawn carriages in Central Park. Apparently, he wants to be the only horse’s ass in town.
More trouble reported for Obamacare’s website. Hackers have said that it is still a security nightmare. So now, instead of random people getting those scam letters from Nigerians with names like, Idougo, Iwokeje, and so on, people, en masse, are submitting to all types of personal identity scams at the demands of a Kenyan named Obama.
President Obama claimed this week that the fruits of one’s hard work is really, really meaningful. Except for if you can’t find work or if the work is “work that Americans won’t do” in which case we must give amnesty to illegal aliens and let others enjoy the fruits of their hard work.
Michelle Obama celebrated her 50th birthday this week. Or, counted another way, it’s been a mere 5 years since she first experienced pride in her country.
Yankees baseball player Alex Rodriguez was suspended from the game. If you care about this news, you should probably be DNA tested to see if you are his illegitimate child.
In another sports related item, there is great concern that football players may suffer long term brain damage from too many concussion injuries. In order to immediately determine how badly a player is hurt, parties in the debate have now agreed to ask a simple question, “do you use steroids,” cheerleaders are available as lifelines.
This has been Newsreal for the week ending January, 18th, 2014. And yes, the media is still a network of neutered nitwits.
Thanks, MM.
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