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I’m a Christian and I think ‘Noah’ deserves a four star review
themattwalshblog.com ^ | 3-29-2014 | Matt Walsh

Posted on 03/31/2014 10:53:34 PM PDT by servo1969

On Friday, my wife and I had a very rare date night.

Naturally, we decided to spend it being pummeled by the blaring condescension of the most insipid, absurd, unimaginative, clumsily contrived piece of anti-Christian filmmaking to come along since, well, probably just last week.

In fact, if I learned anything from Noah, it’s this: despite popular perception, you can often judge a book by its cover. Also, giant deformed rock monsters make for awkward supporting characters.

We’ll meditate on that second item in a moment, but it’s the first point that should be especially emphasized.

Christians: you’ll hear people insist that you can’t criticize the movie until you’ve seen it. Noticeably, the loudest voices in this camp are the ones who will (rather coincidentally, I’m sure) profit immensely if you meet their challenge.

Don’t.

Don’t bother.

You can hate this film without watching it, for the same reason that you can assume Citizen Kane is slightly superior to Need For Speed, without having seen either of them.

Just use context clues. Use your judgment. Use your money on something else.

Noah is a major Hollywood blockbuster, made by an atheist director best known for his previous flick where a mentally disturbed lesbian ballerina goes insane and bleeds to death on stage. Already, a critical person might be slightly concerned about his handling of the Bible, considering what he just did to the ballet.

These concerns grew from suspicion to reality before it was even released, when the man himself came out publicly and professed Noah to be both an environmentalist propaganda piece, and the “least Biblical” Bible film ever made.

He wasn’t lying.

But he forgot to mention that it’s also a terrible film.

The way I figure it, I must now convince at least two people to skip this movie in order to cancel out the twenty dollars I just contributed to Darren Aronofosky’s and Russel Crowe’s coffers.

What better way to do that than by spoiling the entire thing?

So here goes a thorough synopsis and spoiler, which will hopefully quell your curiosity and alleviate any urge you might feel to go and experience this ridiculous train wreck for yourself:

We are first introduced to the Noah of Noah on a hill in the barren wasteland of the Fallen. In a captivating and subtle initial sequence, our protagonist castigates his son for pulling a flower out of the ground, right before rushing to the aid of an injured dog.

A scraggly band of Bad Guys soon show up with the wicked intentions of devouring the animal’s flesh, because, in this story, the Height of Evil is to stave off your imminent starvation by hunting wild game. (If only they’d developed Noah’s ability to be a strict vegetarian in an environment almost entirely devoid of vegetation.)

The Bad Guys attack Noah, not realizing that he’s a vegan Martial Arts master. Noah proceeds to kick some serious butt, leaving all of the Bad Guys bleeding on the ground.

One of them looks up at him in awe and terror. “What do you want?”

“Justice,” Noah growls with a determined gaze.

I was expecting him to then whisper, “I’m Batman,” and disappear, but I realized that superhero movies wouldn’t have dialogue nearly so clichéd as this embarrassing farce.

At any rate, Noah wants justice. Of course, this is coming from the same dude who will spend the rest of the movie contemplating murder-suicide and threatening to stab babies in the face.

But, hey, nobody’s perfect.

After a troubling nightmare, Noah, for unclear reasons, sets off to find his grandfather Methuselah, who, for unclear reasons, hangs out in a cave and drinks hallucinogenic tea all day.

On the way, our heroes encounter a group of the aforementioned Rock Monsters.

The Rock Monsters — a cross between the Ents from The Lord of the Rings, Transformers, and Muppets — are fallen angels who came down to Earth to help the humans after mean ol’ God cast Adam and Eve out of Eden. The ‘Creator’ was ticked at the angels for being big softies, so he cursed them and turned them into Giant Stone Gumbies.

Christian apologists for this movie have claimed that the Rock Monsters are, in fact, “Biblical” because Genesis does make vague mention of “giants.”

That’s like turning Jesus into an Olympic figure skater and calling it “theologically accurate” because the New Testament says he walked on water.

Still, the Rock Monsters are great unintentional comic relief, so I certainly wasn’t upset to have them along for the ride.

Skimming over a few parts: Methuselah gives a roofie to Noah, prompting a hallucination about the ark. Noah and the gang and the Rock Monsters then start building the ark. More Bad Guys arrive, intending to takeover, but they’re scared off by the Rock Monsters.

In this “version” of the story, only one of Noah’s sons, Shem, boards the ark with a wife. Ham, completely wife-less, is a tad displeased at the notion of default celibacy for the rest of his life.

Understandable, I suppose.

Eventually, he runs pouting into the woods, falls into a hole filled with corpses, and finds a girl sitting among all the dead people. They fall instantly in love — the classic “how we met” story — and the two of them head back to the ark. Unfortunately, Ham’s girlfriend gets caught in a bear trap and trampled by a human stampede along the way. Classic breakup story. Noah forces Ham to abandon her and leave her to die.

Ham is mad. He pouts some more.

Noah also pouts. Everybody is pouting. And then it starts pouring.

As the rains begin, the Bad Guys make their climactic charge on the boat. We are then treated to an extended sequence of Rock Monsters swatting swarms of drowning people.

Interestingly, only the Main Bad Guy comes up with the clever idea to, you know, go around the Rock Monsters.

The Main Bad Guy’s genius maneuver pays off, and he successfully manages to sneak onto the ark.

Luckily, Noah and crew aren’t forced to make room on the ship for the Rock Monsters, because they’re all ascended into heaven as a reward for kicking a bunch of humans in the head for twenty minutes.

Sadly, all of the (unintended) levity and humor goes up right along with them.

The rest of the film will now be dedicated to a brooding Noah glumly obsessing over his belief that the Creator wants all human beings to perish — himself and his family included.

This forces him to have that difficult family meeting where he explains to his kids that humanity is wicked and they all must die.

But, as usual, it’s right when you plan the obliteration of mankind that your adopted daughter announces she’s pregnant. We’ve all been there. Am I right, parents?

Noah is less than happy about the news, and tells Shem and Ila that, if they have a girl, he will murder it the moment it is born.

Needless to say, Noah doesn’t attend the baby shower and things are generally pretty awkward for the next nine months.

Meanwhile, as Noah plots to murder his grandkids, and Shem plots to kill Noah if he tries, the Bad Guy stowaway is also plotting with Ham to kill Noah. Ham is willing to cooperate with the homicidal plan because he’s still upset that his girlfriend of four minutes was trampled to death. Essentially, this has become a floating soap opera. Think Days of Our Lives meets Waterworld.

Side note: If you doubt the Bad Guy Credentials of the Bad Guy, the writers made sure to include a scene where he bites the head off an endangered lizard while sermonizing about the glories of being a carnivore (this is how vegetarians see the rest of us). His Bad Guy Monologue consists entirely of simply and accurately quoting Scripture (this is how you identify the bad guy in a Hollywood movie).

The next several minutes of emotional-manipulation-disguised-as-plot-development center around the drama inevitably created when a dad wants to kill his grandchildren, and all of his children want to kill him in return.

Finally, in the predictable climax, the Bad Guy tries to stab Noah, but Ham — getting cold feet over the whole patricide thing, I guess — ultimately decides to kill the Bad Guy instead. In the midst of the chaos — wouldn’t ya know it? — Ila goes into labor.

Shem makes a halfhearted attempt to stop Noah from becoming humanity’s first abortionist, but is easily tossed to the side.

Ila gives birth to twins — both girls. GASP. Noah charges at the infants with knife in hand, but has a sudden change of heart. Even though the Creator wants him to wipe out all of humanity, he refuses.

That’s when they hit land.

Next thing you know, Noah is drunk in a cave, depressed that he didn’t have the guts to murder his twin granddaughters. Ah, regrets. We all have ‘em.

Following a pep talk from Ila, Noah decides that maybe it’s OK if people repopulate the Earth. The Creator decides to go along with this new plan.

The end.

I’ve heard the movie compared to Titanic and Gladiator. Personally, I’d say it’s more of a cross between Mutiny on the Bounty and The Shining. Only far less coherent than any of them.

I’ve also heard some “Christian leaders” endorse this steaming pile of heretical horse manure. I’m tempted to accuse them of being cowardly, dumb, or dishonest, but I’ll just give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they slept through the most troubling parts — like the part at the beginning, and the end, and all of the parts in between.

It’s true that it might be a bit difficult to discern the “message” in a film so filled with explosions (the Bad Guys have bazookas, naturally), monsters, and infanticide, but any supposed Christian “leader” ought to try a little harder. Pay a little closer attention. If you do, you’ll see a tale that entirely perverts the nature of God, while flipping sin and immorality on its head.

Aside from a brief glimpse of something that appeared to be either rape or cannibalism, wickedness is portrayed as mostly a matter of eating meat and mining the earth for resources. Noah — a righteous man in the Bible — is stripped of his righteousness in favor of obsessiveness. God is stripped of any characteristics at all, apart from vindictiveness.

It’s not that ‘Noah’ strays from the text — of course it does, the actual text is only a few pages long — it’s that the movie completely and utterly distorts the message and meaning of the original story.

This movie is not an adaptation of anything at all. As far as I can tell, both Noah the Movie and Noah the Bible story have in common: a guy named Noah, a boat, some animals.

That’s it.

If you’re looking for a movie more obviously inspired by Biblical precepts, go see anything else. Go see The Lego Movie. I’m sure even that will bear a closer resemblance to Scripture than emo Noah and his gang of Boulder Creatures.

But what if you don’t care about the Bible and you just want to see a good movie? The critics seem to love this film, don’t they?

Yes, they do. They love it because they’re a herd of politically correct cattle and this is a movie that they’re ‘supposed’ to like. It’s made by an ‘important’ director. It’s ‘controversial.’ It’s upsetting a bunch of Tea Party types.

Plot and script be damned; it’s already got all the necessary ingredients for critical acclaim.

Remember, these are many of the same critics who panned The Passion of the Christ — a beautiful, bold, and mesmerizing retelling of the greatest story ever told.

Politics and theology aside, The Passion is art. Noah is a marketing strategy.

And, in fairness, maybe it ought to be reviewed on those terms.

You can’t condemn it for being a poor Biblical adaptation, because it isn’t a Biblical adaptation.

You can’t condemn it for being a bad movie, because it isn’t a movie.

It must be considered as it is: a gimmick. A brilliant gimmick, for sure.

If the movie studio wanted to spin a yarn about mythical beasts, epic battles, homicidal sea captains, and a pagan Earth god, they could have done so. They could have called it anything. They could have told their own story. But they called it Noah because they knew that the supposed connection to the Bible would garner immediate fascination. They knew there would be controversy, and controversy sells.

They padded it with enough action movie clichés to draw interest from secular crowds, they hid the outright blasphemy well enough to please gullible Christian crowds, and they mocked Biblical theology blatantly enough to delight the critics.

They came up with a way to make millions while exploiting the various sensibilities of different audience demographics.

That was their first and primary intention, and in it they succeeded wildly.

As an adaptation or retelling of Judeo-Christian theology, it’s a blatant mockery.

As a film, it’s like the script for a Syfy Network miniseries got shoved into a blender with the treatment for a Lifetime channel made-for-TV movie and then mixed with enough moping nihilism and environmentalist sermonizing to fool pretentious elitists into using words like ‘daring’ and ‘relevant’ when describing it. In other words, it’s aggressively abysmal.

But, as a money-making ploy, it’s a downright masterpiece.

Final assessment:

Four Stars for marketing

No Stars for quality, substance, coherence, meaning, or theological accuracy.


TOPICS: Arts/Photography; Business/Economy; Chit/Chat; Religion
KEYWORDS: christian; crowe; noah; noahthemovie; review

1 posted on 03/31/2014 10:53:34 PM PDT by servo1969
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To: servo1969

the real story beats an athiests piece of drivel.


2 posted on 03/31/2014 11:00:22 PM PDT by Secret Agent Man (Gone Galt; Not averse to Going Bronson.)
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To: servo1969

CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

BRAVOOOOO! BEST movie review, ever.
I thank you, my dog thanks you,
every life-form in my house thanks you.


3 posted on 03/31/2014 11:06:54 PM PDT by CaptainPhilFan
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To: servo1969
But he forgot to mention that it’s also a terrible film.

Yet, it topped the box office.

4 posted on 03/31/2014 11:08:04 PM PDT by dr_lew
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To: servo1969

That’s a fun review, but he’s wrong about one thing. “Noah” goes over the falls this weekend. It’s a one week wonder. It’s going to be a money loser in the end.

There was nothing brilliant about it. Paramount had no idea the movie would be this dreadful. Anonofsky has been exposed for the fraud he is. Ultimately, everyone loses on this one.


5 posted on 03/31/2014 11:29:31 PM PDT by WhistlingPastTheGraveyard (If you don't stand up, you don't stand a chance.)
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To: servo1969; Salamander; TheOldLady; JoeProBono; Vendome; Darksheare; humblegunner; Eaker; ...

That was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.

Thank you for posting it - in full. I’m sure a lot of other FReepers will enjoy reading it as well.


6 posted on 03/31/2014 11:29:32 PM PDT by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: servo1969

White House Down, A Good Day to Die Hard and Red Dawn(the remake) had some great action scenes. I’ll give them a 5 stars for that alone;)


7 posted on 03/31/2014 11:30:23 PM PDT by RginTN
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To: All

How about an alternative . . .

http://www.noahthemovie.com/


8 posted on 03/31/2014 11:30:29 PM PDT by Maudeen (Jesus is the Answer. . .now what is the question?)
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To: dr_lew

No competition.


9 posted on 03/31/2014 11:35:04 PM PDT by Olog-hai
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To: dr_lew

I believe it was Mencken who said something to the effect that ‘no one ever lost money or political office by underestimating the taste of the American people.’ (Loose paraphrase)


10 posted on 03/31/2014 11:38:27 PM PDT by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: shibumi

“No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have searched the record for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.”

How about this one ...

“The bitter, of course, goes with the sweet. To be an American is, unquestionably, to be the noblest, grandest, the proudest mammal that ever hoofed the verdure of God’s green footstool. Often, in the black abysm of the night, the thought that I am one awakens me with a blast of trumpets, and I am thrown into a cold sweat by contemplation of the fact. I shall cherish it on the scaffold; it will console me in Hell. But there is no perfection under Heaven, so even an American has his small blemishes, his scarcely discernible weaknesses, his minute traces of vice and depravity.”


11 posted on 03/31/2014 11:48:03 PM PDT by dr_lew
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To: dr_lew

And no one has ever lost a bet based on my proclivity for taking liberties with quotations.


12 posted on 03/31/2014 11:59:39 PM PDT by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: servo1969

Where is our generation’s John Ford?


13 posted on 04/01/2014 12:10:29 AM PDT by atc23 (The Confederacy was the single greatest conservative resistance to federal authority ever)
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To: servo1969

~~~That’s like turning Jesus into an Olympic figure skater and calling it “theologically accurate” because the New Testament says he walked on water.~~~

Pow, right between the eyes. Good one.


14 posted on 04/01/2014 12:30:04 AM PDT by F15Eagle (1Jn4:15;5:4-5,11-13;Mt27:50-54;Mk15:33-34;Jn3:17-18,6:69,11:25,14:6,20:31;Ro10:8-11;1Tm2:5-6;Ti3:4-7)
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To: servo1969

~~~Ham is willing to cooperate with the homicidal plan because he’s still upset that his girlfriend of four minutes was trampled to death. Essentially, this has become a floating soap opera. Think Days of Our Lives meets Waterworld.~~~

Now that right there is funny; I don’t care who you are. Wow, only the foolish could like this “story”.


15 posted on 04/01/2014 12:33:11 AM PDT by F15Eagle (1Jn4:15;5:4-5,11-13;Mt27:50-54;Mk15:33-34;Jn3:17-18,6:69,11:25,14:6,20:31;Ro10:8-11;1Tm2:5-6;Ti3:4-7)
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To: servo1969

Well, I “WAS” going to this 8mm “epic” but, Natch...

If it’s, as the director explained, the least biblical movie...ever, then I’ll stack it like cord wood and another idiotic marketing gimmick that says “FAIL” all over it “Cesar Chavez”.

I learned nothing from that film, which was plodding and pedantic.

Oh, the details of the man. The wonders of “his” struggle.

Somehow, the movie failed to inform the uninformed and served only as what will surely be a new annual “must see” for the cause, erh LaRaza...which Chavez compared to Hitler on the order of “Today they are against the whites, tomorrow they will be against the blacks”, which of course they are.

If Noah doesn’t inform the uninformed and inspire “those in the know” or at least become something more than a used tissue, never to be seen again, then why make the movie?

The real money is to get the thing played over and over again, for the residuals.

How else are you going to retire and just keep collecting those checks hear after year?

Seems to me, from the reviews, this “Water World” Part Duex.

Mr. Gladiator will continue to receive huge residual checks for the movie which cemented his star on Holkywood but, I doubt he’ll see much of anything, ever again for a movie that swamped itself and ran into the shoals, deliberately.

Fortunately, unlike a certain actor who staked his entire career earnings on a dumpy film, which took him years to recover from, Gladiator man had the sense to show up all manly and such, making a nice payday, without risking his fortune on a shipwreck.

That was a funny and telling review.

Seems like one would feel they had been taken advantage of and been poorer for the experience.

I had intended on seeing this barge reef but, I probably have something else to do.


16 posted on 04/01/2014 12:42:18 AM PDT by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously-you won't live through it anyway-Enjoy Yourself ala Louis Prima)
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To: servo1969

I’m looking forward to seeing the movie for what it is. Entertainment.

Why on earth would you ever go to a Hollywood movie otherwise? Did you think you were going to discover something new about the Story of Noah?

It’s got a 6.8 movie rating on IMDB, so that’s slightly higher than mediocre. And it grossed 48M so definitely drew alot of interest.

I never listened to Siskell and Ebert, so I’m darn sure not going to listen to you.

People who want learn things about the Bible, I suggest Church and not a Hollywood popcorn epic.


17 posted on 04/01/2014 12:51:25 AM PDT by Usagi_yo (Islamunism = Facism + Islam : Islamunist = someone that adheres to Islamunism.)
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To: servo1969

Excellent review.


18 posted on 04/01/2014 1:00:20 AM PDT by Jagdgewehr (It will take blood.)
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To: Secret Agent Man

Sounds like this movie royally flips God the bird.

No thanks.

This is a very good and funny review.


19 posted on 04/01/2014 1:27:01 AM PDT by Bullish (America should yank Obama like a rotten tooth before he poisons the entire body)
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To: shibumi; servo1969; Salamander


20 posted on 04/01/2014 3:21:52 AM PDT by JoeProBono (SOME IMAGES MAY BE DISTURBING VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED;-{)
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To: servo1969

A collection of FREEPER threads on the movie - Noah ...

Religious tide turns against ‘Noah’
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/3138393/posts

Noah: a classic blunder
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/3138403/posts

Nine problems with the movie “Noah”
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138569/posts

Don’t Get Punked by Paramount’s Pagan Noah Film
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/3138604/posts

Noah – The Emperor’s New Movie (The Utter Embarrassing Mess of ‘Noah’)
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/3138663/posts

‘Noah’ Review: Brilliantly Sinister Anti-Christian Filmmaking
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/3138716/posts

Noah, The Film: All Washed Up
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/3138756/posts

Box Office: ‘Noah’ Winning Over Faith-Based and Mainstream Moviegoers
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138788/posts

No meat at ‘Noah’ party
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138805/posts

The Noah Movie: Our Detailed Review [Christian Review]
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/3138815/posts

The Noah Movie: Deconstructing Noah’s Ark; Godawful Storytelling
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/3138821/posts

Atheist ‘Noah’ director brags film is least biblical Bible movie ever
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138830/posts

Moviegoers Are Thinking Things Over After Earthquake Hits During ‘Noah’
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138838/posts

Ken Ham: The Unbiblical ‘Noah’ Is a Fable of a Film
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138844/posts

Box Office: Moviegoers Flock to ‘Noah’… But Hate It
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138851/posts

BOX OFFICE: ‘Noah’ Rises, ‘God’s Not Dead’ Surprises As Schwarzenegger Brought To Knees
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/3138858/posts

Ray Comfort Releases Christian Noah Movie: Watch ‘Noah and the Last Day’ on YouTube for Free
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/3138946/posts

The midrashiest midrash that ever was midrashed [a spoiler-free “Noah” review]
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/3138958/posts

If Christians Are Going to Complain About The Movie Noah, Then Create Something Better
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138974/posts

Noah is the Most Unpopular Movie in Current Release (Despite Topping the Box Office)
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/3139042/posts

The Noah film is afloat with extremism
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3139267/posts

Pastors Enchanted by Hollywood’s Courting Lead Christians to Patronize “Noah” Propaganda Film
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/bloggers/3139548/posts


21 posted on 04/01/2014 4:04:30 AM PDT by Star Traveler (Remember to keep the Messiah of Israel in the One-World Government that we look forward to coming)
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To: servo1969

Excellent. Thanks for posting.


22 posted on 04/01/2014 4:53:53 AM PDT by I still care (I miss my friends, bagels, and the NYC skyline - but not the taxes. I love the South.)
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To: servo1969

Global warming is coming, repent!


23 posted on 04/01/2014 5:03:45 AM PDT by sickoflibs (Obama : 'You can keep your doctor if you want. I never tell a lie ')
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To: servo1969

Ah No.


24 posted on 04/01/2014 5:05:59 AM PDT by Theophilus (.)
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To: servo1969
I prefer this one.

THE BIBLE with JOHN HUSTON.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060164/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_42


25 posted on 04/01/2014 7:31:36 AM PDT by Ruy Dias de Bivar (Sometimes you need 7+ more ammo. LOTS MORE.)
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To: servo1969

The opportunity arises to suggest to others that they read the original.


26 posted on 04/01/2014 10:14:08 AM PDT by JimRed (Excise the cancer before it kills us; feed & water the Tree of Liberty! TERM LIMITS NOW & FOREVER!)
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