Skip to comments.Secretary Kerry will now bring Worldwide peace and prosperity [Satire]
Posted on 04/23/2014 9:34:59 AM PDT by DanMiller
Editors note: This is a guest post by my (imaginary) friend, the Very Honorable Ima Librul, Senator from the great State of
Confusion Utopia. He is a founding member of CCCEB (Climate Change Causes Everything Bad), a charter member of President Obamas Go For it Team, a senior member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and Chairman of the Meretricious Relations Subcommittee. He is also justly proud of his expertise in the care and breeding of unicorns, for which his Save the Unicorns Foundation received substantial Federal grants after President Obama's approval.
We are honored to have a post of this caliber by a quintessential Librul such as the Senator. Without further delay, here is the Senators article, followed by my own brief observations.
Having concluded that his massive but uncluttered intellect should not be limited to the Middle East, Secretary Kerry is extending his heroically historic efforts to the entire world.
I can see whirled peas from here!
We all desire peace with our neighbors, but petty misunderstandings often get in our way. If a dog salutes your rose bush instead of his owner's because he is mistaken about property lines, if an army officer becomes upset and shoots others at his workplace, if the undocumented pilot of an airliner flies too close to a World Trade Center tower -- perhaps as an act of love toward passengers who might want to take photos -- and mistakenly crashes into it, or Palestinians erroneously conclude that members of a Jewish family in Itmar, Israel want post-birth abortions, it's all the same: excessive thinking leads to cluttered minds which cause simple misunderstandings. This concept applies equally to nations, and under Secretary Kerry's stewardship our foreign policy has centered around it.
Secretary Kerry' own thinking has never been cluttered and has therefore always always been clear. He will devote the remainder of his service on behalf of the United States of Obama to the Herculean task of cleansing all remaining trifles of no importance from our foreign policy and to focusing solely on the Big Picture as seen through the lens of magical reality: "fiction that integrates elements of fantasy into otherwise realistic settings." Secretary Kerry's Israel - Palestinian peace process and the P5+1 negotiations with peace-loving Iran demonstrate the ample benefits of this approach, which he will soon implement worldwide. All debate is over on how our foreign policy is to be pursued.
Islam and the curse of Islamophobia
Islamophobes consider Islam the enemy of civilization. Try, if you can, to stomach this obscene presentation:
As President Obama reminded us during His address in Cairo in 2009, Islam is the religion not only of peace but also of enlightened social and scientific progress. I feel compelled to repeat just a few of His awe-inspiring words before continuing.
As a student of history, I also know civilization's debt to Islam. It was Islam at places like Al-Azhar University that carried the light of learning through so many centuries, paving the way for Europe's Renaissance and Enlightenment. It was innovation in Muslim communities that developed the order of algebra; our magnetic compass and tools of navigation; our mastery of pens and printing; our understanding of how disease spreads and how it can be healed. Islamic culture has given us majestic arches and soaring spires; timeless poetry and cherished music; elegant calligraphy and places of peaceful contemplation. And throughout history, Islam has demonstrated through words and deeds the possibilities of religious tolerance and racial equality.
I have known Islam on three continents before coming to the region where it was first revealed. That experience guides my conviction that partnership between America and Islam must be based on what Islam is, not what it isn't. And I consider it part of my responsibility as President of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear.
Never, during His entire life, has President Obama ever spoken more truthfully, displayed greater candor or better demonstrated the benefits of a totally cleansed mind.
His Supreme Holiness Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran, speaks often and passionately of peace. So does Iranian President Rouhani. I have studied with great diligence the approved English translations of their inspired words; no doubt of any sort whatever can be harbored by anyone whose mind is uncluttered that they are totally sincere. Would they lie to us? They probably don't even know the meaning of the word "lie" because -- like President Obama -- no adherent to the faith of Mohamed could ever be less than truthful and candid; Islam forbids it.
It is on these firm and uncluttered bases of magical reality that Secretary Kerry has dealt with the Jewish problem that had for centuries, indeed even millenia, prevented peace in the Middle East. He has dealt in an equally masterful fashion with baseless suspicions that Iran seeks to obtain -- and even to use -- nuclear weapons against her enemies, including Israel. The rest of the world is next, for Secretary Kerry.
As explained in this article, Secretary Kerry is well on the way to achieving not only an entire Korean peninsula free of nuclear weapons but a peacefully re-unified Korea. His success is assured because he is using road maps comparable to those used successfully in the Israel - Palestinian peace process and in the p5 + 1 negotiations with Iran.
Secretary Kerry has many more heretofore untraveled roads to walk down. He must bring peace to all of Russia including Europe and her appendage, Britain. There are problems in Latin America, notably in Venezuela. There, right-wing extremists (terrorists) are trying to undermine the stability of the democratically elected government of late lamented President Chávez brilliant successor, President Maduro. Magic realism must prevail, as well expressed by an article in the Buenos Aires Herald.
In Venezuela, after the death of the charismatic, controversial and populist Hugo Chávez, his hand-picked successor, Nicolás Maduro, has transformed the image of Chávez into a founding father of a sort, comparable only to the beloved father of Independence, Simón Bolívar. In the middle of a profound economic, social and political crisis, Maduro has confided that he believes that Chávez visits him in the form of a little bird. The opposition in Venezuela also seems to have taken a few things right out of a García Márquez novel. Some of the opposition leaders that denounce the government as dictatorial lack democratic credentials themselves, as they were directly involved in the 2002 military coup attempt.
Cluttered minds, combined with the loss or even diminution of magic realism, would cause mistakes leading to instability in other equally democratic nations throughout the region. With his mind uncluttered by obsolete notions and irrelevant facts and well grounded in the indisputable premise that great strength lies in great weakness, the Peace of Secretary Kerry that passeth all mortal understanding is certain to prevail in Russia and Venezuela. Then, he will move on to other regions, ever onward and upward forever. History will revere him as the Dr. Eisenbarth of foreign policy.
For those whose understanding of German is limited, here's a partial translation of the song about Dr. Eisenbarth
My Name is Doctor Eisenbarth
TextDilly dally do dum dee! For curing people I've an art, Dilly dally do dum dee! My treatment makes the blind men walk, Dilly dally do dum dee! And help the lame to see and talk, Dilly dally do dum dee!
At Potsdam once i cured a man, King Frederick´s chef i dit trepan I took my hatchet to his head; Poor fellow , now he´s lying dead.
At Ulm i gave a jab for pox, The man´s blood ran right to his socks. This vaccination stunt's a hit,
My needle is a roasting spit. The sexton's son at Dideldum I gave ten pounds of opium. He fell asleep; years passet away,
And still he sleeps until this day. In Vienna once a man wars ill. His hollow tooth I cured with skill, I took my gun and blasted it.
Bless you, Secretary Kerry! May you live long and prosper in your toils for the United States of Obama.
Senator Librul has done a masterful job of stating, clearly and succinctly, Secretary Kerry's librul positions on foreign affairs. Anyone with a third, or perhaps as much as half, of a brain will certainly agree with him.
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