Posted on 12/17/2014 2:21:03 PM PST by 2ndDivisionVet
A couple of months ago, the story of a couple at the brink of separation was published on this column and I asked readers the question above. Bisola and Akinola, blessed with three children, had been married for 17 years, living with each other’s excesses as most couples do. Then one day, Bisola stumbled on three travel documents, all bearing Akinola’s names. They belonged to a strange woman, a child and Akinola. A confrontation resulted in a heated argument between them and Akinola walked out of their home. His wife was free to take whatever decision she thought best for her, he’d said. Bisola, crying blue murder is now threatening not only to deal with her husband but also fight the woman with the last drop of her blood. As a friend, I had simply told her to go and find something better to do with her time, but some other friends felt different and have been offering their own kind of solutions. As is my style on this page, I threw the question to our readers and was very impressed by the responses I have received thus far. Today, you get to read another set again. Please, do bear with us if you are yet to see yours, I assure you that everyone will get their chance, it might only take a while. So, just keep reading your refreshingly different Saturday Vanguard. Remember that polygamy is a contemporary issue with multi facet challenges and opinions, so this discourse is not likely to end anytime soon. If you wish to join issues with the positions of our respondents today, please feel free to write to me via e-mail address: yetty5050@yahoo.co.uk. Do have a wonderful week!
Hi! This is just the kind of issues that needs discussing! I am a Muslim, so, for some who would read my contribution and conclude I am “just being a Muslim”, I promise you I will try to be as neutral as I can.
For me, polygamy is a natural thing and there is nowhere in any scripture it was condemned. Now, let’s take some few cases to ponder upon.
*Single parenting: Supposing a woman lost her husband and she is left with kids to cater for, and she has no job or perhaps the job she has cannot suffice for the family’s needs, would anyone rather she begs or be left at the mercy of her family and friends (if fortunately she has one) or go back to her parents, or simply settle for a man who is already married but is willing (and capable) to take her in?
*Aged women: In pursuit of Mr right, most ladies have ended up single to ages of 40 and above. Most times, it takes miracles for single men to come along. Now, the question is, should she elect to stay single for as long as it would take to find a single guy or simply settle for the available and willing married man, if he proves to be good and God fearing?
*Infidelity: Most women would argue that they prefer their husbands to keep women outside so long as the man plays safe. The question is ” how safe can the man play”? Condoms break in action! Are you safe? He runs out of supply of condom and he needs her badly, a quick one would help and he deeps in without condom! Are u safe? He is on a trip as a politician, a business mogul, an office executive and he can’t go with you, instead he takes another woman and one day you walk into the office and the colleagues give you a mocking look, “she is a bad wife and that is why Oga doesn’t take her with him on most trips” they whisper! Are you safe!!!! I really don’t know how safe the woman at home thinks she can be if her man plays that game!
love22
*Status: This is a dicey one. Many men have had the misfortune of being betrothed to women from their locality because of family ties. Suppose she happens to be uneducated and the man finds himself in a position so exalted and the wife would have to address the public, should he just decide to face the theatrics of what comedy that would unfold before him and laugh like my brother from etuoke or give some willing and capable lady the chance of representing? I know most people would not agree with this reason. But I urge you to think about it with an open mind!
*Barenness: Here is the big one! You get married after one year no issue. It’s 2,3,4,5,6 years and still no issue. Those who were blessed with kids would tell you to hold on and wait on God, they would even tell you the story of Abraham and his impatience and the resulting Ishmael and all sort of miracles they’ve seen (yes I have seen one myself but am 35 and I have seen only one such miracle!). Please, just tell them you wish they were in your place. I swear they will curse you in their hearts! In fact, these days, most guys would make sure she takes in before finalising marriage plans. It means the case for children is a serious one. If polygamy would help, please tell me why I shouldn’t opt for it?
As an individual, I do not think I can survive polygamy because I think it’s not an easy task to embark on. However, I would not condemn those who do it. I’d rather pray for them to survive it and ask God’s blessings upon them because the man involved just helped to save another husbandless woman.
In any case though, men should not just jump into it without good reasons and hiding it from the other wife is really not right. In this particular case, I think the man messed up. It took too long to let the woman know. Meanwhile, I don’t think threatening to leave the man is the best step to take. She should establish the fact that he betrayed her for not letting her know. A responsible man would apologise and take control of situation again! imp213x
Dear Yetunde,
In response to your post on whether polygamy is bad or not, I would like to state that I am personally against polygamy in whatever form it might appear. However, looking at the issue at hand, I believe Bisola was right in ‘acting out’ because she has been deceived. Polygamy is not for everyone and she should have been given the choice of being a part of it or not. Men who engage in polygamy have no self control or self will and majority of them also engage in divorce in order to marry ‘fresh’ wives, thereby adding to the number of ‘single and unwanted’ women. Polygamy also promotes lack of trust as well as unnecessary strife between couples. Ultimately, polygamy is a sin against God.
Dorcas Suleman
Dear Yetunde, *I blame Akin for bringing those documents home for Bisola to see. He should have kept them with the other woman. Does he want the woman and her child to be killed or poisoned by proxy?
*Polygamy is bad when: 1. The women are forced to live together. Even if both are godly and don’t harm each other, each becomes the prime suspect when any evil befalls the other.
2. The second woman is a friend, housemaid, hairdresser, nanny, etc to the main wife. Since the main wife doesn’t know her as a rival and the second woman does and has easy access to her, the 2nd woman can easily get rid of her if she is the wicked type.
3. The main woman is newly married and yet to have at least 2 children. Polygamy may take her man away from her bed during her fertile days.
*If none of the conditions listed 1-3 is present, the 1st woman should please take it easy and focus on her children. Their father now has less or no time for them, and the mother should not be too busy mourning her husband’s behaviour to care for them. No woman likes being a second wife, the mistress, or the woman to be hidden away from family and friends. But when you reach 30 years single and childless because you can’t tolerate a cheating boyfriend or a man who is “not yet ready for marriage” and fibroids show up because you haven’t had a child, you will be ready to accept any man just to have a child of your own. It is not easy to undergo a fibroid operation because you don’t want to “break someone’s home”.
Adeboye F.A.
Dear Yetunde,
There is no big deal about what the man has done. He even respected his wife and kept the secret away from hurting her. He told her she has found what she was looking for. Very true. If you seek, you find. That you are married does not deny you the personality you are. Everyone should try and live his life the way we know best and get reward, good or bad. Marriage means accepting each other the way we are in tolerance and accommodation.
Is polygamy really bad? Nowhere in the Bible did God the creator, condemn polygamy. He told David, “If you wanted more wives, I would have given you, but not for you to take another man’s wife.”
By the natural make-up of man and woman, it is difficult for one woman to satisfy a real man. Women take a break from sexual activities for a week in a month. She delivers a baby and take on an important responsibility for some months. (or years) What does an active man do then? Suffer imposed sexual abstinence? Islam was honest enough to say” If a man has the means, (and he can love them equally) let him marry more wives with a limit of four which is considered manageable.
Women have greater mood swings that make them say “I’m tired. I can’t have sex, am not in the mood.” Does a man have to beg one woman every time for sex when some others may be willing and begging for it? Concentrating on one woman in a life time will only wear her out and she will age fast. It is a man that needs sex more than the woman and it is a basic need that needs to be satisfied.
There is a tendency for the woman to want to dominate a man and the home for which he is head. Women have an innate, unspoken rejection of a man’s headship of the home. But when she knows that there is another woman competing with her, she will be humbled. Even in companionship, no two women are the same in style and approach. So the more of this an active man has, the more experienced he has to overcome and conquer his world. By the nature of man, polygamy is it. No woman can take on the strength of more than one real man in a marriage. So polyandry is out.
The desperation of man to enjoy more sex has made them turn to fellow men, or even animals. We must help to overcome man’s natural tendencies.
Thank you. Bertie Bright.
Yes, I like octagons better!
Sexagons are more appropriate
I have no problem with polygamy, but it wont work with our current divorce laws.
If you have two wives and both divorce you and each takes half.. you would get nothing.. not a great promotional tool.
Polygamy only works in societies where the woman has basically no rights and gets nothing if she leaves (if she is allowed to leave at all)
Poly gamy...
Is that like playing multiple games of chess at once?
The only polygamists in America are religious so I would imagine there would be very little opposition to the laws changing to allow it in the United States. However, the divorce thingee could get ugly I guess. Although again since most who would practice would be the Religious people maybe that won’t be such an issue.
we haven't got the guts to enforce biblical, or historically sound and biologically sound rules for families, why should be even try to stop the pervs from having more than one bag to bang.....
this whole culture is entirely lost and I feel like an orphan...
the me's are getting fewer and fewer....
its not easy trying to live with the sluts, the drugged, the drunk, the loafers, the stealers and the perverts and the rapists, etc....its not easy trying to live in the world with them....
but can we just say "no" to it?....don't ask, don't tell but for the sake of a decent society can we have rules and regulations and patterns to follow instead of this free for all?
Is polygamy really bad?
Not really until the multiple divorces then the ex wives payment and child support.
I imagine it would be really expensive.
The penalties of polygamy are too harsh. Two wives!!!!
In the case of a divorce in a polygamous relationship I think the courts would likely award the person leaving the relationship a proportional share of the household.
Therefore a man and four wives would each be entitled to a 20% share of the household.
“The only polygamists in America are religious”
Nope. Plenty of pagans and atheists practice it, too, and they call their practice ‘polyamory’.
If you Google your hometown and polyamory in a search you’ll undoubtedly find one of these groups in your home town. They’re far more prevalent than their religious counterparts but because they’re not religious they tend to escape scrutiny by the left.
The left are myopically focused on heterosexual and patriarchal polygamous families that impart religious values to their children. The ‘free love’ types get a pass.
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