Skip to comments.Canned Goods to Provide Security at Alabama School [satire]
Posted on 01/21/2015 1:07:03 PM PST by John Semmens
Huntsville, Alabamas W.F. Burns Middle School Principal Priscilla Holley sent a letter home with students asking the parents of each of them to equip their child with 8 ounces of canned goods that the student would use as a weapon against armed intruders. The idea is that the possibility of being hit by a can of beans would deter gunmen from harming the children.
A key feature of this plan, according to Holley, is the element of surprise. We believe that a barrage of cans thrown by our 12 and 13 year-old students would be a formidable response.
The Principal maintained that tossing cans at armed intruders was the best compromise option. Some argued for a civil disobedience approach where all the children would simply go limp. Some suggested adopting a Biblical smile turneth away wrath approach, but our district has a zero tolerance for anything relating to religion. Others suggested hiring a retired police officer as an armed on campus counter measure, but our Board felt this would be an endorsement of the kind of violence we need to eradicate in our society.
Holley said she hopes the can defense is never put to the test, but remains confident of its over all efficacy.
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Not funny. Not clever.
Not funny, just too close to the truth.
Especially when they throw them at each other. -tom
Do you hate those cans?
If the cans don’t work, the students will sing a medley of James Taylor songs.
Or possibly “I Love You, You Love Me” by Barney.
What if the students decide to weaponize the cans against the teacher or each other? Canned food needs to be banned. If that saves even one life it’s worth it.
I heard this on the news. It can’t be satire.
Just the title alone is hilarious enough
I hope they feed them well enough to build up that arm strength! These purple penguins have quite the responsibility
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