Skip to comments.China Cracks Down on Toilet Paper Abuses [semi-satire]
Posted on 09/30/2017 11:10:35 AM PDT by John Semmens
Concerned that its citizens might be using too much toilet paper, the government of China is installing facial recognition technology in its public restrooms. If the same person tries to obtain more than his or her allotted four squares of toilet tissue per visit the computer will recognize the face and withhold any additional paper.
Chinese Minister of Public Facilities Hu Du Dung explained that "four squares is an adequate amount for any socially responsible person. It is four times the amount the Japanese allowed to their POWs during World War II. Any attempt to use more is theft from the collective."
Dung adamantly rejected the possibility that digestive distress might warrant a larger allotment. "Unlike backward countries such as the United States, China has universal, single-payer health care," he pointed out. "Those who suffer bowel irregularities have only themselves to blame. They have no right to appropriate more than their designated share of toilet tissue. Our new technology will ensure that this doesn't happen."
Meanwhile, in America's cruel capitalistic society toilet paper is freely available in public restrooms across the country despite the lack of the high-tech methods now being deployed in the more advanced China.
In related news, an editorial in the New York Times lauded "the amazing strides communism achieved for Chinese women." The editorial admitted that "while Chinese women have suffered under the ubiquitous oppression inflicted on all the country's inhabitants, the suffering has been equal. Considering the traditional patriarchal Chinese culture that preceded communism we mustn't discount that accomplishment." The editorial failed to mention the country's technological advance in toilet paper rationing.
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...
Julia Louise-Dreyfus: “Just one square????!?!!?’
Sheryl Crowe asserted a few years ago that it was the “right thing” to use only one square. Also, clean out under your fingernails pretty frequently.
In fact, if you use the fingernail with all due diligence, you may not even need the paper.
Actually in China there usually is NO toilet paper in the bathrooms - you have to have your own - you hang onto any tissue or napkins you come across.
Recently promoted from "Night Soil" Commissar
The jokes just write themselves
Besides we know that even if it were true it wouldn't make the space at CNNBCBSABCFOXALJEZERA ...
The problem with semi-satire is you don’t know what is true and what is a lie. It’s a waste of time.
As for the toilet paper, the facial recognition thingie was installed in a public restroom that was losing fourteen rolls of paper a day. It immediately dropped to two.
,,,,,,,, and antifa just love communism now I see why .
re: ‘Sheryl Crowe asserted a few years ago that it was the right thing to use only one square. Also, clean out under your fingernails pretty frequently.
In fact, if you use the fingernail with all due diligence, you may not even need the paper.’
Not the preferred method for those of us humans who adorn themselves with colostomy appliances, though.
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