Posted on 04/11/2020 8:46:41 AM PDT by tbw2
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...
5 types of customers since the “rona”:
1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.
Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.
Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.
3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.
She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.
Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.
Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth. May God have mercy on us all.
lol sounds about right
:)
Interesting.
Note to self: Ask shippers to use plain brown packaging.
6) Jack:
Jack isnt mentally ill like the first 5.
Jack knows his neighbors are and doesn’t associate with any of them.
LOL!
Steve is marrying Nancy because she doesn’t have any kids. The last thing Steve wants is someone else’s kids when he can raise his own little mini-Steve’s and mini-Nancys with the vigilany Nancy. When the apocalypse is over, he’ll reform Namcy’s well-intended but misguided instincts for survival through proper prepper training. :-D
“Steve will probably eat him.”
LOL!
Wonder what “Pajama Boi” is sipping these days and if it is still in the basement?
vigilany = vigilant
> Steve demands a handshake <
If Steve is a true prepper, he would not demand a handshake. To the contrary, he would refuse one.
I was going to complain that I didn’t find myself on the list. Thanks for adding me.
pingy
This is pretty funny and well done.
I have gotten to know my UPS driver a bit and he has had some funny stories. The best was his QVC customers who have not missed a beat in doing their part to keep the economy rolling.
I’m Mary’s older sister. I’ll tag along, Steve likes me well enough.
ROFL!!!
LOL!!!
I don’t drink but I’m closer to Steve than any of them. My kids are home from college, and they keep trying to throw out the expired cans of food from previous prepping. I won’t let them.
Before they came home I had a can of tuna fish that expired in 2016. And I fed them a can of turnip greens that expired in 2017 and some frozen vegetables from 2016.
Some of the frozen stuff is just too freezer burned. I’ve been trying to go through it and clean out what will never get used.
Yesterday, I had some sugar free powerade drinks in the back refrigerator from 2016. They were really good with a little more liquid stevia.
I’m making a masked run to the grocery store once a week for fresh meats, milk and eggs. But I feel good about how stocked we are. We could go at least 2 months with a hard lock down.
For lunch yesterday, Shrimp and kale alfredo. Bag of frozen tail off shrimp, sauteed in a stick of butter until partially pink, a bag of frozen seasoning mix (diced onions, celery, peppers), a dash of shrimp boil, and a couple of tablespoons of basil, a family size bag of knoxx alfredo, replaced one cup of water with another cup of milk. Microwaved a bag of frozen kale and added it to the mix in the last few minutes.
Really good.
My daughter said we’re living our best quarantined life.
Pajama Boy is sending frantic emails to Barack Obama, asking for free survival goods (but no guns, please).
Is Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin on the list? Uh, no. I bought my ammo over the last several years from individuals only. Mene will get the drop on Steve, handcuff him around the neck of the neighbor’s cow and take HIS ammo. </s>
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