Spouse Moved Out and I am Picking Up the Pieces, How did you manage starting out again

11.19.03 | self

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

You know me by another name. This is too personal but I value Freeper advice. My husband has been gone for about 6 months and today he moved into a house he bought. The story is long, difficult and really not important. What is important is that I have to somehow manage the house, the children, the homeschooling and work. I have been on overdrive for two + years working full time and homeschooling. Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives.I am exhausted and need Freeper Wisdom and encouragement.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

At this point, I doubt that we will reconcile, but of course that would be ideal. The reality may be less than ideal and I would like to hear your advice.

[Go Gordon]

How old are the kids; are your parents around and if so, are they retired?

[paulklenk]

Start praying and spending a lot of time in God's word. That is step one. Get into fellowship with God and then HE will begin to give you guidance in other matters.

[SamAdams76]

Not knowing anything about your situation, your statement "Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives" sets off alarm bells. Reconciling with a spouse who gave you and your children that much grief may not be your best move.

I cannot imagine how painful those past few years must have been for you but you certainly don't deserve any more of them. I wish you well.

[tet68]

of course that would be ideal.

What makes you say that?
(In best Dr. Laura voice," Can you hear yourself?)

Clean his junk out of the closets and move on.
I spent years, YEARS of my life in that "we can make it work" routine. IT WASN"T GOING TO HAPPEN!
Now I'm alone and happy, and the whole world is MINE!

Goodluck!

[Evil Inc]

Get a good attorney. Get one fast.

OR..

Think of the kids welfare first, and allow him to feel obligated to do the same. Thats where the lawyer usually comes in, but doesnt have to if you can retain a common goal and not try to destroy each other..

[blam]

My advise: Make as few changes as possible.

[Cicero]

I agree that religion is a big help, and so are family and friends.

I'm a big believer in staying together almost no matter what. I gather you are too. But if your husband is this feckless, it doesn't look as if you can fix it alone.

For whatever comfort you may draw from it, my experience is that the selfish party in circumstances like this, the party who acts for his own gratification, is usually the one that suffers most in the long run.

You and your children have my prayers for your best welfare.

[2banana]

Don't forget to build a support network - friends, relatives, church, gym, etc. Also, pay for a sitter (or get grandma) and take at least one night out a week with adults and do something...

[umgud]

Reconciliation is not all it's cracked up to be. My wife went thru a mid-life crisis that nearly wrecked me and my 4 kids. Like a fool. I tried reconciliation a few times. It only added time and uncertainty and eventually failed anyway. I'm not saying it won't work in every case, just that it can eat up valuable time that you would otherwise need to get your life back on track.

As to getting your life back in order........ It's a slow, slow process. My kids are all grown now, but I was a single dad (still am) trying to raise 4 kids. It was very difficult, but now, after 10 years, I'm seeing the fruits of doing the right thing for my kids.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Kids are 5 to 15. All family is dead except for a brother who is for all intents and purposes, not available.

[11B3]

Tet is right - sanitize yourself and your home of all reminders of him. Then think only of yourself and the kids - give him NO consideration in any decisions you make. Forget him - completely and totally.

Are there things that you've always wanted to do in your life but never could because of him? If so, do them now.

[Rabid Dog]

Hire an attorney for starters.

Consider postponing the homeschooling for now. You have too much on your plate and something has to go. Public school is often bad - but driving yourself too hard is worse. You need to keep your strength up and your health good.

Don't lose faith in yourself. You will survive.

[Pokey78]

My advise: Hire a good attorney and get every dime you can out of him.

[BlackVeil]

The advice of the previous poster to pray and rely of God is of course the best starting point.

How can you both home school and work full-time? That sounds like an impossible schedule. I would respectfully suggest that you enroll the children in a public school, and be prepared to help with home work rather than home schooling.

Finally, it is sometimes helpful to take up the habit of reading, and set out to read literature for your recreation. Watching tv and films fills us with images of violence and consumerism, while literature - esp that published up until the 1950s - often offers insight into human nature, and that serenity of seeing how circumstances change, lives are altered, and people cope.

[bvw]

Find a decent marriage counselor. You can't give us the whole story, and shouldn't. A lisenced counselor you can. Make an effort to find a good one.

Your family doctor, your minister are good places to start in looking for a counselor.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I am in prayer daily. I believe but I seem to be alone at this time. There is no clarity.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

I have been on overdrive for two + years working full time and homeschooling. Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives.I am exhausted

Why do you want him back? (honest, sincere question)

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I cannot imagine how painful those past few years must have been for you but you certainly don't deserve any more of them. I wish you well.

Thank you SA. I think it will turn out all right. I am just old and scared.

[mad_as_he$$]

Wow don't know where to start.

Sometimes kids are better without a certain parent around. I am proof of that. Sorry but get a lawyer. Since women are process oriented, learn about the process and get on with getting over it. MOVE to a new town or city. Do not give your new address to anyone you wouldn't trust with your kids lives. HAVE SOME FUN! Work less, just for a start......