[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

At this point, I doubt that we will reconcile, but of course that would be ideal. The reality may be less than ideal and I would like to hear your advice.

[Go Gordon]

How old are the kids; are your parents around and if so, are they retired?

[paulklenk]

Start praying and spending a lot of time in God's word. That is step one. Get into fellowship with God and then HE will begin to give you guidance in other matters.

[SamAdams76]

Not knowing anything about your situation, your statement "Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives" sets off alarm bells. Reconciling with a spouse who gave you and your children that much grief may not be your best move.

I cannot imagine how painful those past few years must have been for you but you certainly don't deserve any more of them. I wish you well.

[tet68]

of course that would be ideal.

What makes you say that?
(In best Dr. Laura voice," Can you hear yourself?)

Clean his junk out of the closets and move on.
I spent years, YEARS of my life in that "we can make it work" routine. IT WASN"T GOING TO HAPPEN!
Now I'm alone and happy, and the whole world is MINE!

Goodluck!

[Evil Inc]

Get a good attorney. Get one fast.

OR..

Think of the kids welfare first, and allow him to feel obligated to do the same. Thats where the lawyer usually comes in, but doesnt have to if you can retain a common goal and not try to destroy each other..

[blam]

My advise: Make as few changes as possible.

[Cicero]

I agree that religion is a big help, and so are family and friends.

I'm a big believer in staying together almost no matter what. I gather you are too. But if your husband is this feckless, it doesn't look as if you can fix it alone.

For whatever comfort you may draw from it, my experience is that the selfish party in circumstances like this, the party who acts for his own gratification, is usually the one that suffers most in the long run.

You and your children have my prayers for your best welfare.

[2banana]

Don't forget to build a support network - friends, relatives, church, gym, etc. Also, pay for a sitter (or get grandma) and take at least one night out a week with adults and do something...

[umgud]

Reconciliation is not all it's cracked up to be. My wife went thru a mid-life crisis that nearly wrecked me and my 4 kids. Like a fool. I tried reconciliation a few times. It only added time and uncertainty and eventually failed anyway. I'm not saying it won't work in every case, just that it can eat up valuable time that you would otherwise need to get your life back on track.

As to getting your life back in order........ It's a slow, slow process. My kids are all grown now, but I was a single dad (still am) trying to raise 4 kids. It was very difficult, but now, after 10 years, I'm seeing the fruits of doing the right thing for my kids.

[Rabid Dog]

Hire an attorney for starters.

Consider postponing the homeschooling for now. You have too much on your plate and something has to go. Public school is often bad - but driving yourself too hard is worse. You need to keep your strength up and your health good.

Don't lose faith in yourself. You will survive.

[Pokey78]

My advise: Hire a good attorney and get every dime you can out of him.

[BlackVeil]

The advice of the previous poster to pray and rely of God is of course the best starting point.

How can you both home school and work full-time? That sounds like an impossible schedule. I would respectfully suggest that you enroll the children in a public school, and be prepared to help with home work rather than home schooling.

Finally, it is sometimes helpful to take up the habit of reading, and set out to read literature for your recreation. Watching tv and films fills us with images of violence and consumerism, while literature - esp that published up until the 1950s - often offers insight into human nature, and that serenity of seeing how circumstances change, lives are altered, and people cope.

[bvw]

Find a decent marriage counselor. You can't give us the whole story, and shouldn't. A lisenced counselor you can. Make an effort to find a good one.

Your family doctor, your minister are good places to start in looking for a counselor.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

I have been on overdrive for two + years working full time and homeschooling. Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives.I am exhausted

Why do you want him back? (honest, sincere question)

[mad_as_he$$]

Wow don't know where to start.

Sometimes kids are better without a certain parent around. I am proof of that. Sorry but get a lawyer. Since women are process oriented, learn about the process and get on with getting over it. MOVE to a new town or city. Do not give your new address to anyone you wouldn't trust with your kids lives. HAVE SOME FUN! Work less, just for a start......

[Sabertooth]

Stay away from anyone who's bitter about their own divorce or marriage. They'll want to "help" you by indulging your (and their) need to vent... but endlessly.

You need people who will listen, but who will also have the wisdom to know when to tell you "enough."

[bvw]

Get a counselor even before you get a lawyer. You'll probably need both, but first get the advice of a marriage counselor -- advice more general and germane to your personal situation than that which a lawyer will or should provide.

[Prime Choice]

First, my heart and prayers go out to you and your children. You've got a difficult road ahead.

Second, if you're not going to reconcile, you should see about how to handle the divorce. You may not wish to get alimony, but you will want to get child support.

Third, starting over is something that everybody does differently. When I had to do it, I made it a point to set some time aside (even if only a little) doing or having something I liked. For me, it was spoiling myself once a week with some expensive coffee (Kona) and a video rental.

Do you have family and friends living close to you? Are you active in the church of your choice? If so, now's a good time to let them know that you're going to need their support. Especially with the holidays coming up.

I'm hoping you're also talking about all this with your kids...

[kidd]

You sound exhausted.

I find that it is rare (but good) that a female would ask for advice. Having been in a similar (but different) situation, I suggest:

You need to make time for yourself. Look for a divorce support group. Preferably one associated with a Christian church. If you find a good one, you will have some fun and will start looking forward to the meetings, maybe groups will go out afterwards. I did, and I'm still friends with several of the people I met there.

I think I would consider your case special. A stressed out mom may not be a good teacher. If the public schools in your area are tolerable, perhaps a year or two of public school would not be so bad for the kiddos. Give you time to get your feet on the ground.

[livius]

Prayers for you and your kids.

Find a good attorney. Most of us don't have many dealings with attorneys, other perhaps than real estate attorneys, but what you are looking for is somebody who will fight aggressively for you and your kids. I don't know your financial circumstances (or his), but your priority now is to keep your family together and assure the kids' support.

Don't be vindictive - although I don't get the feeling that you are - and don't argue over small things. Give him the toaster if he really wants it, but keep the kids.