Posted on 03/04/2005 9:02:18 AM PST by TheBigB
Woo Hoo! TGIF! Time for some FRIDAAAAAAY SILLINESS!! :^) Let loose and blow off some steam...post silly pics, jokes, nonsensical statements, or even IGNORE THIS THREAD!
"Silliness, sweeeet!"
An actual book about pet care. I swear!
It's not Christmas, but still...
Fierce Allegiance says he never listened to that Debbie Gibson tape in his truck. I don't believe him. :^)
HongKongRummy???
The door opens, two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Frank, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
-Eric
Norway
Germany
Chees.
that's clever.
Shalom.
Well, I stole it. But it's too good not to share...lol...
This thread is always rated "G".
Which stands for "Goingtoannoytheprudes". >:)
-Eric
A dumb blonde walks into a bar and says ouch. Then she falls and smacks her head. The bartender says "How's your head?" She replied "I haven't had any complaints so far."
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local Town Hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring.We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The smiling and naked old lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
So I take it you can't help me sleep in the bed tonight?
Why IS a woman better than a bottle of fine wine?
Doesn't ANYBODY know?
Shalom.
You never know what will happen if you get to wish !!
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
MARTHA STEWART'S CONFINED LIVING!.......
Well, I could hazard a guess, but it'd likely get me banned!
Uhhh...dust and cobwebs don't tend to accumulate on women, and you needn't rotate women in the rack every three months?
Yes. LOL
There was a lot of silliness but we had a very serious side too. We had a lot of fun.
BRAAD may well be gone but we will always remember it.
Uhhh...dust and cobwebs don't tend to accumulate on women, and you needn't rotate women in the rack every three months?
Do I need to paint a picture, here?
;)
Shalom.
Roses & Hanging Baskets
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
man, that little bear is so cute.
Err....I taut it wad a puddy tat.
ROTFL!
"and you needn't rotate women in the rack every three months?"
What's wrong mixing it up every once in awhile? lol
Teacher admits sex with 5 students...
Posted under this picture...
Which begs the question...
Just why are we paying tax dollars for public schools? How much more stupid could those students be?
Shalom.
Blind kids need schooling too!
headlinehumor.com
Shalom.
You gotta be joking.... With looks like that, those kids HAD to be at a blind school.
headlinehumour.com
Shalom.
That was BigB's take as well. That was just TOO rich to not share.
Shalom.
headlinehumor.com
Shalom.
Winos don't pass around bottles of fine wine, either?
You sayin' somethin' about my wife?
;P
Shalom.
Aaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggeeeeee!
hahaha.
I heard Lester's wife left him yesterday. She left a note on the full length mirror. They say he was beside himself.
Shalom.
Wine doesn't have boobs.
I hope that helps.
oh, manicure and pedicure, that sort of thing, you know.
Yes, I'm back. No jokes today. My joke portfolio is empty. Might have to improv.
Peace
love that one!
Hey, you got yourself into this one...and it's a doozy to get out of!
Wine won't do your laundry...or cook?
a bottle of wine doesn't care if you fart?
Funny signs & typos. Very good!
Signs of the Times
On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping."
Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted that stoping means:
"extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground."
"Your Honor", said the man, "I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed."
Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the judge declared the man not guilty and commented, "since this is Friday, the 13th, anything can happen, so I'll turn you loose."
"No Stoping" is a blunderful example of the suspect signs and botched billboards that dot the American landscape. Here are some other signs that need to be re-signed:
* At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation:
"Eat here and get gas."
* At a Sante Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
* In a New Hampshire jewelry store:
"Ears pierced while you wait."
* In an New York restaurant"
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
* In a Michigan restaurant:
"The early bird gets the worm!"
"Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."
* On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."
* On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."
"-- Sisters of Mercy"
* On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
* In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
* On a movie theater:
"Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."
* In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed!"
* In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
* On a New York loft building:
"Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."
* In a New Hampshire medical building:
"Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."
* In the office of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
* In a New York medical building:
"Mental health prevention center."
* In a toy department:
"Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."
* On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
* On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
* At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
* In a number of parking areas:
"Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."
* On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
* In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."
* In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
* On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant:
"Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."
* In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
* In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"
* On an Indiana shopping mall marquee:
"Archery tournament. Ears pierced."
* In the bathroom of a large apartment building:
"When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar.
This will prevent the plaster from peeling."
* Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
* On a North Carolina highway:
"EAT"
"300 FEET"
* On an Ohio highway:
"Drive slower When Wet."
* On a New Hampshire highway:
"You are speeding when flashing."
* On a Pennsylvania highway:
"Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."
* In downtown Boston:
"Calahan Tunnel/No. End."
* In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
* In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
"Parking for birds only."
* In a New Jersey restaurant:
"Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."
* In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:
"Now serving live lobsters."
* In front of a New Hampshire store:
"Endurable floors."
* On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place too take a leak."
* On a movie marquee:
Now Playing:
Adam and Eve
with a cast of thousands!
* In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual
light is extinguished."
* In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
* On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
* On a New Hampshire road:
"Will build to suit
Emory A. Tuttle"
* On the grounds of a private school:
"No trespassing without permission."
* In a library:
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.
* On a Tennessee highway:
"Take Notice: When this sign is under water the road is impasable."
* Similarily in a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."
I take it you have never met my wife.
But she is pretty.
Beautiful, actually.
But so is a bottle of fine wine.
Aaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Shalom.
Wife as Shark Bait? eeeeeeeeeeee....
Amos Moses was a Cajun.
And lived by himself in the swamp
Hunting alligator for a living.
Knock 'em on the head with a stump
The Louisiana law's gonna get you, Amos
It ain't legal hunting alligator down in the swamp, boy
Now everybody blamed his old man
for raising him mean as a snake
When Amos Moses was a boy,
his Daddy would use him as alligator bait
Tie a rope around his waist,
throw him in the swamp
Alligator bait on the Louisiana bayou....
Jerry Reed, "Amos Moses"
I will pull it down at 5:00 central... just for you
Wine starts out sweet, matures gracefully and then turns to vineagar
A woman starts out sweet, matures gracefully and turns to a younger man.
I think you are SOL, ArGee.
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