Nature of Friendship Among Women Explored

Women experience friendship differently and more deeply than men - and when it ends, they experience the loss more deeply, too.

That's the stance taken by writers of recent books about failed friendships that have sparked debate online and in the real world - among friends, of course.

"Men seem to have a hard time understanding women, and it really is nice to have someone understand you," says Jenny Bryers, a UW- Madison graduate student. "I don't think losing a friendship is necessarily worse for women than for men, but we probably let it bother us more. Women generally let things bother them more than men, especially if it's something we have no control over, something we can't change."

Susan Johnson, associate casualty claims representative at Madison-based American Family Insurance, added: "I think men bond differently, and forgive easier when it comes to male friends, and move on to bond with others. I don't think men hold grudges as long as women, because they don't get as emotionally involved with their friends."

These local women would find similar social commentary served up in recent books such as "The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away," edited by Jenny Ofill and Elissa Schappell. The Doubleday book came out in May.

The new take on female friendships runs counter to the stereotype of the "catty and competitive" woman, said professor Susan Friedman of UW- Madison's Department of Women's Studies and English.

We typically believe "that women are rivals for the attention, love, and approval of men and that they therefore can't really be friends (with other women)," she says. "But there is also a lot written that goes against such stereotypes: recognition that women need their friendships with other women in order to get through life's troubles and trials, often suffering related to their relations with men, their troubles with caring for children or parents, their difficulties on the job or combining family and job responsibilities."

In fact, in May, Shelley Taylor, author of "The Tending Instinct" and a neuroscientist at UCLA, announced that hard science suggests that "there's an important biological role for women's friendships that scientists have largely ignored."

Fundamental differences Biological or not, some at least perceive a real difference between the genders' friendship styles.

Johnson recalled a long-ago friend who after high school started to date the same man as she did. "It immediately severed our relationship," Johnson said. She had tried over the years to contact me. But I just didn't know what to say to her, so I never responded. I do know the betrayal I felt was deeper and hurt more than any man could have caused."

After 12 years, they patched things up. Laura Malischke, owner of Acclaimed Resume Services, has not. She recalls a long-ago friend from the dorms at UW-Eau Claire.

"She introduced me to new music, new books, and new ways of seeing the world," Malischke says. "While I had originally found her to be the strong, stand up for your beliefs-type, I began to observe that she was a very needy and very dependent girl."

It came to a head, she says, during a camping trip, during which her friend stayed up late complaining, getting drunk and throwing up.

"She dragged me down emotionally and physically with her neediness and constant seeking of approval," Malischke recalled. "I did a very selfish thing and removed her from my circle. I'm taking the good things from our relationship, while still remembering why exactly I decided to end it."

But others will have to be convinced that "The Friend Who Got Away" reports anything unique or even valid. "I think the whole thesis of this book is wrong, at least for me," said Katjusa Cisar, a student at Edgewood College. "And I think the emotional scars from broken relationships are difficult to bear for both sexes, not just women."

Sudden interest? Why all the recent interest in women's relationships with other women? It may be new to publishers, but not to women, said UW-Madison's Friedman, who has worked with the issue of women's friendships in relationship to literature.

"In the 1970s, there was an interesting transition from women's 'coffee klatches' to women's 'consciousness raising groups,' as women began to see that their personal problems were part of a larger societal pattern," Friedman said. "Women's friendships are at the heart of this phenomenon - existing before consciousness raising groups, and of course afterwards."

Or it could be marketing. Sheelah Kolhatkar, writing in the February New York Observer, says that "The Friend Who Got Away" and other anthologies "could all be a sign that the confessional personal essay has reached the peak of its power, culminating in a breathless surge of self-help chick-lit - a combination of memoir, therapy and girl talk. The anthology frenzy also suggests that the publishing industry is furiously trying to replicate one huge success by producing countless imitators."

Back in 1996, Kate Fillion, in her book, "The Myth of Female Virtue in Love, Sex, and Friendship," charged that studies of women's relationships were fundamentally biased.

"The problem isn't that men lack the gene for 'rapport- talk,'" she wrote. "Researchers' heartwarming description of female friendship omits a significant detail: many of these friendships are rooted in a fundamentally adversarial attitude toward men. Women's sharing and caring frequently involves swapping stories about what jerks men are and diminishing men to shore each other up."

• "The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away," edited by Jenny Ofill and Elissa Schappell. The American Library Association Booklist says, "By breaking the silence about failed friendship so literately, this book appeals to many more readers than just students of interpersonal psychology."

• "Secrets and Confidences: The Complicated Truth About Women's Friendships" Edited by Karen Eng (October 2004, Seal Press). Amazon.com says the book concludes "problematic women's relationships with one another can be intense, intimate affairs, more steadfast than any romantic relationship and ultimately, more fulfilling."

Man, I like you.

I have never had a pedicure. The idea of someone being that close to my grody feet really grosses me out.

If I ever get the urge to try some new make-up, like eyeshadow, I laugh when it's on my face, think I look like some kind of whore/clown, and immediately wash it off. If I do wear make-up, it's only powder foundation, pencil eye liner, mascara, and some vaseline or chapstick on the lips.

I usually HAVE to buy something new to wear when something comes up, unless I can just wear my uniform. I own nothing but jeans and t-shirts. I try to limit my appearances to places where my uniform is appropriate.

The idea of going shopping is akin to having trash duty on the side of the highway. Going to the mall always depletes my love of humanity.

Any chick who will not get her hands dirty should not bother talking to me. I might kick her in the shin just for laughs.

I hate love stories, and the phrase "make love" is enough to make me gag.

Weddings are a waste of money, and so are flowers. Unless you are gonna grow them in the garden.

Scrapbooking is for people like my sister. Enough said.

This is kinda fun. I could go on forever!

Well, when I Do apply the toenail polish, it looks like it was done by a blind person.

I HATE Harlequin romances and too, loathe the phrase "make love" and the term "lover". Either way, it's still sex.

I do not wear eyeshadow unless it is in a natural earth tone, as anything else makes me feel as though I should be working the street corner. I NEVER wear foundation, it feels like I am wearing a mask at Halloween. I wear only mascara with a touch of eyeliner, rarely powder, a bit of cream blusher and a hint of lipgloss.

I do not waste money on the "fake bake". I am outside enough with my 3 little boys.

I am most comfortable in jeans or jeans shorts and a simply shirt, with flip-flops. I only own one basic black skirt.

I would love just once to have an excuse to dress up since I will no longer ever be pregnant again. (My last excuse was a friends wedding, at which I was 9 months miserably preggers).

I love to drink beer and enjoy NASCAR and NFL football.

I do not own anything with flowers on it, but LOVE flowers of all kinds, as I too am a gardener. I am partial to the peony and hydrangea for their large blooms. I don't mind dirty hands.

I believe that males and females are cursed with approval by others with women being even more so. If either don't get it they will have problems. Unless they get rid of the notion that they do, though it is a struggle to do so, it must be done. Approval by others with males and females will vary obviously. Women need to feel loved and cherished and when they do they will thrive. But not all women are and I think then they start looking outside themselves and comparing themselves to other women. Some other women are more beautiful, attractive, sexy, etc and thus standards are set up in woman's mind that cannot be reached. The rope they can now hang themselves with and make their lives miserable. I’ve found it very common for women to blow off any kind of compliments they are given but for the woman on her feet accepts them graciously.

"not having been shown any favoritism by males (fathers when growing up?), and a sense of feeling betrayed by women (their mothers?),"

I think you are right here. Kids that aren't shown love by their parents will have problems. This experience will help them the rest of their lives, and that is what I believe they will not settle for less in most cases as they grow older.

"they gravitate toward other females who suffer the same resentments."

This I believe only propounds the problem. This should be turned around to how to help themselves out of what they’re in.

I think your analogy of the cat is quite appropriate. Cats are control freaks which really means, like women, are very security conscious. If they get into a situation that’s not to they’re liking getting away from it is the only way out. Maybe if women did go wild it would more to men’s liking LOL!

Society is running a major campaign to drive both of the sexes away from their bases. Femininity and masculinity are being attacked to the extent both sexes think they want something that inside they can’t handle. A metro man is not what a woman needs. She needs a man to be a man, able to give security and love. A woman that acts somewhat like a man isn’t going to satisfy a man’s inward needs and desires. Geez, what happened to dresses? They are the ultimate in feminine attire in my mind. A short skirt sends the wrong message, and jeans/pants? Freaking everybody wears them.

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