Skip to comments.More Tom Cruise and TomKat parodies from The Spoof!
Posted on 07/12/2005 10:06:17 PM PDT by Jacob Kell
"In an announcement today that shocked the planet, Roman Catholic Virgin Katie Holmes and her lover Tom Cruise said that their wedding may happen sooner than had previously been expected, due to a turn of completely unexpected events. "World," said Katie, teary-eyed, "we're pregnant."
Tom immediately corrected her and said, "Actually, I had nothing to do with it." Then in a narrative which described the most shocking chapter of this couple's lives (if not of all of Show Business), Katie recalled how a shining angel came to her with the news. Tom jumped up and down as he told how the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard himself, appeared to him and told him not to be afraid to take Katie as his wife. "He said that the baby, the one in Katie, is from him!" said Cruise emphatically. "He said the baby would save the world, just like me in the War of the Worlds!"
A fan replied, "It was actually the microbes that saved the world." After darting his eyes around him, Cruise simply said, "You're a jerk."
Fans are convinced this is an immaculate conception, although some of the critics think that playing in murderous and risqué movies and soap operas isn't quite an attribute of immaculacy. "I'm so glad," said Katie. "I'm finally and totally and amazingly gladly convinced that Scientology can be reconciled with Catholicism. So we're gonna get married real soon."
"I'm glad too," said Tom, after French-kissing his fiancée. "I really felt bad, forcing and coercing her into becoming a Scientologist, and yet giving no thought to her religion. After Father Hubbard appeared to me, I know I can accept her beliefs."
Tom also discussed a canonization bid he is planning on sending to the Vatican. "I think this qualifies as a miracle. I was really ticked me off when Katie first told me she was pregnant, so I started appealing directly to L. Ron. I was saying 'she's a jerk, she's a jerk, Ron.' And suddenly there he is with some new version of Dianetics in his hands. He said that after discarding his body, he really has been making progress in his higher level spiritual research, and needs to share it with the world, but unfortunately his old body is kind of unusable. So he caused Katie to conceive." Here Cruise French-kissed Katie again. "Yeah, he should definitely qualify for sainthood," she said. "And so will we, some day," Tom said.
"We are so privileged, and just thrilled Father Hubbard chose us!" exclaimed Holmes."
Here's another one:
"London, England - Hasbro Larami, makers of the world renowned "Super Soaker" water guns, announced today that they will be releasing the limited edition Tom Cruise Super Soaker Microphone in tribute to the independent British comedy show crew that impersonated a news crew and utilized a fake microphone to squirt water in the face of the real Tom Cruise during a filmed "War of the Worlds" interview with the movie star two weeks ago in London, England. "It's all in good fun", exclaimed Hasbro CEO Alfred Verrechia, confirming that in addition to obtaining a patent for the water microphone has also offered to pay the legal fees to free Cruise's four assailants from jail. "These fine british chaps had a great idea, but they just picked the wrong primadonna to squirt", snickered Verrechia, "even though I must admit that Tom's recent scientology ranting and raving needed some cooling off.....and aren't we all children at heart?"
When asked about profit potential,Verrechia pulled no punches. "Absolutely! We thought we had all the good ideas, but this one is as refreshing as being squirted with the Tom Cruise Super Soaker Microphone - yes the fake flower gag was the classic - the original - but this takes soaking to the next level. It is a fact that 85% of all TV interviews are bland and stale - imagine the possibilities now! How about interviews with the Queen Mother? I will guarantee on my mother's fine antipasto that you will get a reaction out of every interviewee with the Super Soaker Microphone. We may even get to see what the Queen Mother's face REALLY looks like under her makeup."
Dr. Lonnie Johnson, the nuclear engineer and creative genius behind the Super Soaker, confirmed that the product will be on the market within a month, in time to be enjoyed during the hot days of summer. "We will be ready with a high quality three model product line" announced Johnson proudly. "The basic model will simply be a water resevoir that resembles a cordless mike that has a thumb trigger for extruding H20, the deluxe will be a corded model that has an actual microphone shell and will be hooked up to a nearby water tank and will be able to shoot up to 10 gallons of water up to 50' while the professional model is an ultra high tech fully functioning high fidelity cordless microphone that is able to pull water particles from the air in a one mile radius and squirt up to 8 oz of water up to 10', depending on the humidity."
In an outdoor interview outside the Today Show studios, Matt Lauer brought up the Super Soaker Microphone and asked for Cruise's thoughts. Boldly trying to maintain his composure, Cruise passionately announced "You don't know the history of water guns. I do. Matt, you don't even - you're glib. You don't even know what water is. If you start talking about water guns, you have to evaluate the research papers on how they came up with water . That's what I've done."
When Lauer replied that Cruise's explanation made no sense whatsoever, Cruise chanted an unidentifiable mantra, grabbed Lauer's arm and shouted "It's just a great time in my life. I'm really happy. And you know, I'm engaged. I'm going to going to be married. I can't restrain myself. You're a jerk. And I am going to punch you Matt." Before Cruise could follow through on his threat, Cruise was squirted heavily by four water microphones, dropping him to the ground.
Dragged away by authorities, Cruise was reduced to a zombie, incessantly babbling "Mimi, Nicole, Pe-ne-lo-pe. I love Katie and Katie loves me......"
Upon news of the interview Hasbro stock shot up a record 37% up $8.09 to $29.72."
Here's another one that's not from The Spoof!, but still quite good:
"XENU EXPRESSES DISPLEASURE WITH CRUISE Alien overlord says star is making Scientologists look "crazy"
Hollywood - Xenu, the galactic overlord who murdered trillions of aliens on Earth 75 million years ago, releasing the thetan particles that still infects humanity today according to the Church of Scientology, has reportedly returned to express his displeasure with the recent behavior of Tom Cruise. "I expect celebrity devotees of my Church to spread my message through charity work and quality films like 'Battlefield Earth,'" Xenu said in an interview with The Weekly World. "Attacking Brooke Shields and marrying some girl you met six weeks ago makes Scientologists look crazy."
Xenu added that while he understands exuberant behavior by those excited at having reached the upper levels of the Church of Scientology, he doesn't approve of Cruise's penchant for jumping on and over couches.
"I bet Oprah's couch must have cost at least $5,000," he noted in the article. "Any money wasted on new furniture or cleaning is funds that should be going to pay for new E-Meters for my Church. Tom should confine his acrobatics to the outdoors."
Scientologists were shocked by the arrival of Xenu, who was not prophesied to return to Earth for hundreds of thousands more years following his initial visit 75 million years ago when he released thetans into the atmosphere millions of years ago, forever scarring humanity with negative engrams that latch onto their spirits.
The alien overlord said he was visiting only to scold Cruise and warn the star that any further public misbehavior would result in his being replaced as the nation's number one star with Jenna Elfman or, in a fifth attempt at Church-backed superstardom, John Travolta.
Xeno also added that he was making a modification to Scientology dogma:
"I know I used to say psychiatry was a pseudo-science and people should stay away from mind-altering drugs. But after observing Tom Cruise for the past few months, I've decided he really needs to take a valium."
Also, take a look at these:
How do I make sure that I get it?
"How do I make sure that I get it?"
Do you mean the humor?
Well its kind of a Star Wars thing.
No, I meant how do I know if I have the necessary software in order to be able to run it.
quicktime is the software needed to view it.
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