Posted on 10/11/2005 7:43:11 PM PDT by teldon30
I never thought there would be an issue about what age I decided to marry at, which now I realize you don't "decide" to marry. It should just happen. (But sometimes it is a conscious decision for some women that results as an ultimatum. That's an entirely different column.)
I'm 35 years old, never married and that makes me "single." I'm not a divorcee or a widow. I'm not dating anyone nor am I "playing the field" since the prospective greenery seems to be missing in my general vicinity.
If you're a 35-year-old woman who has substantial control over your nervous system and introduced to someone, they first ask if you are married. Some may go on to ask if you have kids (these are usually men). Sometimes they ask the latter first (these are usually men).
I don't recall being questioned about my marital status at any time during my 20s, so this is still new to me even though the peculiar line of questioning has been happening since I turned 30. And that practically did happen overnight. (My sister and best friend came to my corporate office five years ago dressed in grandmother outfits carrying a huge "Lordy she's 30" bag that they pulled items out of and individually explained. My entire business suit-clad office sat and listened to why I'd need those items now that I was old. I won't go into details, but there was some type of ointment involved. Again, another column.)
I'm not proclaiming that a politically correct term for "single" needs to be developed. It's not an insult. I'd prefer single over "Maybe should've settled on the last guy. Could be the best one I'll find. I don't know." I'm happy to tag on, "Nope, not married. I'm single," after an introduction rather than "Nope, not married. I expect perfection from men, therefore I'll be single forever since even I am not perfect."
I think the most entertaining one I've been asked after someone hears that I'm 35, single and never married is why haven't I married.
I was at a social gathering, was just politely offered a glass of wine by a man who struck up a conversation with me, and he pops up with, "So, why do you think you've never married?"
I think a little red wine came out of my nose since I'd just taken a sip and was swallowing when I snorted into laughter. It's not a question you throw out as if you're asking why I purchased a Toyota instead of a Honda.
I asked if he'd ever considered printing out an application to give women he casually meets and found interesting. I explained that he could use some multiple choice questions, such as "Choose a necessity important for a successful marriage: A) Love, B) Trust, or C) Love, trust and a prenuptial agreement." Maybe an essay question such as, "Explain your bulkiest baggage in three or less paragraphs."
You probably guessed that no meaningful romance resulted in that chance encounter.
The least entertaining question I've been asked is, "Ever been close?" Again, this wasn't coffee talk with girlfriends. Another casual acquaintance, another social setting.
My first instinct was to begin counting with my fingers and say, "Oh, yeah, well sure. There was the guy I dated for years. He proposed to me twice, two different rings, both times we were broken up. Uh huh, yeah. And there was the one I hadn't see in years, dated him in college, looked me up in the phone book, drove to my house and offered me ownership of his car while he served in the Air Force. It was only later that I found out that there was a rose, ring and a letter of proposal in the glove compartment. Boy - that souped-up sedan would've been a lot of responsibility, huh? And then ..." But no. I simply responded, "Never booked the preacher, if that's what you mean."
It's not the clear-cut answer that I'm sure a lot of people are looking for, but that's what being nosy will get you. (Tip: I usually follow that answer by engaging in a detailed explanation of how to determine a perfect cut diamond from a flawed one. It makes for a night of entertaining facial expressions coming from the man I'm talking to.)
Some of us are socially inept and fail to notice the obvious.
Because it's rude to ask such personal questions on first acquaintance. Might as well ask her her age, weight, and shoe size.
The line of questioning isn't "peculiar" at all. One can rightfully assume that an older woman is more likely to be married. A single man wants to know if she's married in order to decide where a possible relationship should go. A married man, might still want a relationship 9unfortunately), or he might look at a couple as new friends for him and his wife. This article sounds like Feminazi bullshit to me.
Same here.
Sounds like a challenge to me!
Sort of like my wife when I first met her (though we were in our 20s).
13+ years of wedded bliss!
After reading the article I am not surprised at all she remains single, and probably with no serious prospects for marriage.
There's nothing wroing with that. I'd wager this woman has an attitude and demeanor that repels potential suitors. Not surprising she remains single as she cruises past middle age.
lol that's ALWAYS the first thing I check lol
In many cases, marriage is not always a conscious decision.
I think most people just reach a psychological (maturity) point in their life and they marry the person whom they are dating (or serious with) at that moment, if that other person is agreeable, that is.
It's like a subconscious magnet built into a person's psyche which simply says, 'yep - time to get hitched.'
However, some people have an unrealistic perception of the entire process, as fortold in the book The Cinderella Complex.
They apparantly wait for bells and whistles to go off in their head upon meeting the right person.
Unfortunately the bells and whistles usually stop ringing in most people at around 29.
After that it is a matter of practicality and a desire to have children, not lust, bells and whistles.
Things don't always work out that romantically, although I'm sure it does for some, but not all.
I'm 37, never married, and consistently have had romantic companions. I am with you 100%. Anybody who is alone with no prospects is probably alone for a good reason.
In many cases, it's just that they don't get out and meet people. In many cases, it's that they repel rather than attract potential mates.
Goes for men and women.
Interesting essay... should be worth a chuckle or two.
I thought it was funny - and didn't see the Boo Freakin' Hoo that you did.
Probably because I'm over 30 and single and get the same questions from people all the time.
Snivel? Me? NEVER!!
I know quite a few married couples that do not wear rings these days, and for a wide variety of reasons. Some don't like jewelry at all, others do not see the point (it is, admittedly, little more than ritual), and others have jobs or medical conditions which prevent them from wearing the rings (my father has a bad reaction to gold, as a real-world example). In other words, it is not a very reliable indicator in the modern world, doubly so since there are single women that wear apparent wedding/engagement rings.
I thought it was funny - and didn't see the Boo Freakin' Hoo that you did.
Probably because I'm over 30 and single and get the same questions from people all the time.
Snivel? Me? NEVER!!
No whey.
LOL! My kinda humah.
That's why I like reading FR at night...
I always feel more comfortable dealing with FReepers who may have more of a buzz than I do...?
"My theory is that if you hang around an unattached woman long enough you'll eventually figure out why she is unattached. Except for the truly aestheticaly-challenged, most women that want to marry get married. Those that don't simply don't."
Maybe true for most, but not me, I have wanted to be married; but being a widow hasn't helped.
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