California Valley Girl Jokes

Did you hear about the two California Valley Girls who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

Why did the California Valley Girl resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that one out of every four children born in the world is Chinese

*************** Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve California Valley Girls were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

***************** A California Valley Girl was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a e, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So the California Valley Girl went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another California Valley Girl, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first California Valley Girl told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to Roll up the windows first."

A California Valley Girl went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The California Valley Girl was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the California Valley Girl had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the California Valley Girl, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.

A California Valley Girl was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold" "Wow, said the California Valley Girl, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

"What do you have there?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two Popsicles and some coffee".

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) California Valley Girl. The puzzled California Valley Girl kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Nevertheless, the California Valley Girl continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A young man wanted to get his beautiful California Valley Girl wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear As a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

Two California Valley Girls living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ........and one California Valley Girl says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other California Valley Girl turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

A California Valley Girl pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

A police officer stops a California Valley Girl for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

There's this California Valley Girl out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another California Valley Girl on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second California Valley Girl looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A gorgeous young female claiming to be an Engineering College Student goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The student took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a Engineering College Student, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a California Valley Girl." "I thought so," the doctor said; "Your finger is broken."

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the California Valley Girl behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

A Russian, an American, and a California Valley Girl were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The California Valley Girl said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the California Valley Girl replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A California Valley Girl was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE CALIFORNIA VALLEY GIRL JOKE TO END ALL CALIFORNIA VALLEY GIRL JOKES!

A girl was visiting her California Valley Girl friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The California Valley Girl responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the California Valley Girl . "They're watch dogs!"

Florida jokes (not valley girl but I got them in email today

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay
calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios
in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
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FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells
back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at
the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her
head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
at the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have
a beer."
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SUPERSEX

An little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used
to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her
hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep A few moments later she
said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across,
gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds
later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the
bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get
my teeth!"
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENTCENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close
enough."
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OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get
mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ..but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How
soon do you need to know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Wow!" said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and
said, "Ohmygosh! Am I driving?"

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