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Humorous Similes (Vanity)
2/14/2005 | snardius

Posted on 02/14/2006 9:58:01 AM PST by Snardius

Post your favorite similes. Funny ones preferred. The best will be rewarded with my list of favorite Country/Western song titles...


TOPICS: Humor; The Poetry Branch
KEYWORDS: funny; satire; similes
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I'm first;

Colder than a well-diggers a$$...

Grinning like a dog eating peanut butter out of a wire brush...

1 posted on 02/14/2006 9:58:02 AM PST by Snardius
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Comment #2 Removed by Moderator

To: Snardius

Or how about:

Busier than a one-legged man in a @ss kicking contest.


3 posted on 02/14/2006 10:01:48 AM PST by NerdDad
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To: Snardius; mikrofon; martin_fierro

I never metaphor I didn't "like."


4 posted on 02/14/2006 10:02:49 AM PST by Charles Henrickson (Or "as.")
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To: Snardius

I'm off like a bride's nightie!


5 posted on 02/14/2006 10:04:04 AM PST by Charles Henrickson (They say that Down Under.)
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To: Snardius

More worthless than tits on a bull.



You know, like a RINO. Or a Liberal.


6 posted on 02/14/2006 10:04:09 AM PST by trubluolyguy (Where did they get those ref's, the WWE?)
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To: Snardius
I know from long experience that my men have all the artistic talent of a cluster of color-blind hedgehogs... in a bag.

SD

7 posted on 02/14/2006 10:21:03 AM PST by SoothingDave
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To: Snardius

Poor as a church mouse.
strong as an ox,
cute as a button,
smart as a fox.

thin as a toothpick,
white as a ghost,
fit as a fiddle,
dumb as a post.

bald as an eagle,
neat as a pin,
proud as a peacock,
ugly as sin.

When people are talking
you know what they'll say
as soon as they start to
use a cliché.


8 posted on 02/14/2006 10:26:28 AM PST by saganite (The poster formerly known as Arkie 2)
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To: saganite
Light as a feather
Stiff as a board
9 posted on 02/14/2006 10:28:48 AM PST by SoothingDave
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To: SoothingDave

That's good...very good.


10 posted on 02/14/2006 10:36:08 AM PST by Snardius (And you KNOW what I'm talking about...)
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To: saganite

That's very impressive...


11 posted on 02/14/2006 10:36:53 AM PST by Snardius (And you KNOW what I'm talking about...)
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To: Snardius
That's good...very good.

It is. It's from the old BBC series "Blackadder," a veritable goldmine of wit.

SD

12 posted on 02/14/2006 10:41:10 AM PST by SoothingDave
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To: Snardius

Not mine. Google is a wonderful thing.


13 posted on 02/14/2006 10:43:45 AM PST by saganite (The poster formerly known as Arkie 2)
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To: Snardius

Pardon the vulgarity but:

I gotta piss LIKE a racehorse!


14 posted on 02/14/2006 10:45:54 AM PST by Chi-townChief
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To: Chi-townChief
I gotta piss LIKE a racehorse!

Do you know why this simile exists?

Because state regulators collect urine samples from the top finishers in horse races, to make sure there is no doping of the animals going on.

SD

15 posted on 02/14/2006 10:51:13 AM PST by SoothingDave
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To: Snardius
Colder that a brass toilet seat in the Yukon! ...
In January! ...
Out back in the outhouse!

Now thats COLD!

16 posted on 02/14/2006 11:00:08 AM PST by cuz_it_aint_their_money (Replacing Dan Rather with Katie Couric is like replacing an idiot with an imbecile.)
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To: Snardius

Make like a baby and HEAD out.


17 posted on 02/14/2006 11:15:23 AM PST by chapin2500 (The road to hell is paved with liberals.)
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To: Snardius; Charles Henrickson; mikrofon

This thread is as vane as a fan blade.


18 posted on 02/14/2006 11:34:07 AM PST by martin_fierro (In that vein)
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To: Snardius
Slicker than deer guts on a door knob.

Hotter than two rats screwing in a wool sock.

As useless as hen sh!t on a water pump handle.

Uglier than a picture on an iodine bottle.

19 posted on 02/14/2006 11:35:39 AM PST by w_over_w (Don't tell me to go to your BLOG . . . just tell me how your day was.)
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To: chapin2500

Off like a prom dress!


20 posted on 02/14/2006 11:37:31 AM PST by pikachu (I must be be built upside down -- my nose runs and my feet smell!)
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To: SoothingDave

She's so buck toothed she could eat watermelon through a picket fence.


21 posted on 02/14/2006 11:37:59 AM PST by passionfruit ("...I think the left wing is turning into a cult... If you disagree you're a traitor")
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To: Snardius
Oh! And from the movie Apollo 13 . . .

I'm so hungry . . . I could eat the butt out of a dead rhinoceros.

22 posted on 02/14/2006 11:43:10 AM PST by w_over_w (Don't tell me to go to your BLOG . . . just tell me how your day was.)
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To: pikachu

LOL! I forgot about that.


23 posted on 02/14/2006 11:57:55 AM PST by chapin2500 (The road to hell is paved with liberals.)
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To: cuz_it_aint_their_money

That's a metaphor, actually.


24 posted on 02/14/2006 12:00:32 PM PST by Chi-townChief
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To: Snardius
To describe these folks, I use the following similes:


dumb as a post
dumb as dirt
thick as two short planks
two clowns short of a circus
a few beers short of a six pack
old as the hills
old as Methuselah
empty as a drunkard's purse
drunk as a lord
drunk as a sailor
phony as a three-dollar bill
odd as two left shoes
ornery as a rattlesnake with hives
ornery as a water moccasin havin' his belly scrubbed with a washboard pick
ornery as a two-headed bull
ornery as a one-eyed pocket gopher in a thistle patch
ornery as a Corn Belt tornado
ornery as a pit bull sh*ttin' railroad spikes
ornery as a she-cat with a thorn in her paw
hard as picking fly sh*t out of black pepper
easy as putting a six-legged cat in a bucket of water
hard-headed as a ball-peen hammer
welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
dead as a doornail
dead as a mackerel
dead as a dodo
stale as yesterday's newspaper
useful as a back pocket in a vest
useful as a spit valve on a guitar
useless as a tit on a bull
useless as a screen door on a submarine
funny as a rubber crutch
funny as a train wreck
dark as a dungeon
dark as night
fat as a pig
stubborn as a mule (jackass)
noisy as crows
crazy as a coot
certain as death and taxes
bitter as gall
thick as thieves
nutty as a fruitcake
predictable as the sun setting
25 posted on 02/14/2006 12:08:55 PM PST by MadCharity ("Hindsight is not wisdom, and second guessing is not a strategy." Go GW!!!)
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To: Snardius

Sharp as a bowling ball.


26 posted on 02/14/2006 12:10:51 PM PST by Nea Wood (Is cheap, illegal labor worth one life?)
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To: All
salty ones -

He has a walk like a ship under full sail

She has a face that launched a thousand ships

After a night of drinking, I was three sheets to the wind!

27 posted on 02/14/2006 1:00:45 PM PST by llevrok (Drink your beer, damnit! There are sober people in Africa.)
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To: Snardius

Dumb as a box of hammers,
Sharp as a bag of wet mice,
As still as a rat on acid.


28 posted on 02/14/2006 1:05:09 PM PST by najida (Valentines? You mean the Great Chocolate Pig-out Day!)
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To: Snardius

Finer than a frog hair split 3 ways...


29 posted on 02/14/2006 1:10:22 PM PST by Keith in Iowa (Howard Dean: Bankrupting the Democratic Party morally, intellectually, and financially. Go Howie go!)
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To: Snardius

If you're going to run with the big dogs you better learn how to pee in the tall grass.


30 posted on 02/14/2006 1:11:26 PM PST by GSWarrior
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To: najida

"Sharp as a bag of wet mice"

31 posted on 02/14/2006 1:11:57 PM PST by Snardius (And you KNOW what I'm talking about...)
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To: Snardius
Busy as a one armed paper hanger

Serious as a heart attack

32 posted on 02/14/2006 1:12:37 PM PST by antivenom (If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much damn space!)
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To: Snardius

Slicker as snot on a doorknob


33 posted on 02/14/2006 1:14:43 PM PST by MortMan (Trains stop at train stations. On my desk is a workstation...)
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To: Keith in Iowa

As calm as a python digesting a valium addict...


34 posted on 02/14/2006 1:15:14 PM PST by Snardius (And you KNOW what I'm talking about...)
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To: Snardius

-More frustrated than an Amish Electrician
-More frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill
-Happier than Rosie O'Donnell at a buffet full of Ho-Ho's

Gotta love Larry the Cable Guy!


35 posted on 02/14/2006 1:17:47 PM PST by RockinRight (Attention RNC...we're the party of Reagan, not FDR...)
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To: RockinRight
-More frustrated than an Amish Electrician

LOL!!

36 posted on 02/14/2006 1:19:25 PM PST by Snardius (And you KNOW what I'm talking about...)
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To: RockinRight

More confused than a moth on the Las Vegas Strip at midnight...


37 posted on 02/14/2006 1:20:47 PM PST by Snardius (And you KNOW what I'm talking about...)
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To: Snardius
And to get a bit more "risque"

-More frustrated than a queer with tonsillitis on Valentine's Day...
38 posted on 02/14/2006 1:20:54 PM PST by RockinRight (Attention RNC...we're the party of Reagan, not FDR...)
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To: Snardius

-Sweatin' like a whore in church


39 posted on 02/14/2006 1:22:18 PM PST by RockinRight (Attention RNC...we're the party of Reagan, not FDR...)
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To: Snardius
"There stands Jackson like a stone wall." - Gen Bee

"Gooder 'n Grits"

40 posted on 02/14/2006 1:30:06 PM PST by stainlessbanner (^W^)
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To: saganite

A+ on your homework assignment. You're sharp as a tack


41 posted on 02/14/2006 1:32:49 PM PST by stainlessbanner (^W^)
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To: stainlessbanner

Faster than corn through a goose...


42 posted on 02/14/2006 1:33:46 PM PST by Snardius (And you KNOW what I'm talking about...)
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To: Keith in Iowa

We have a radio jock in the area who, when asked "how are you," always answers "finer than frog hair split four ways and sanded smooth."


43 posted on 02/14/2006 1:40:50 PM PST by NerdDad
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To: Snardius

I got quite a few reactions when I had the following as a tag line a couple months ago:

"There are few things worse than chili strained thru a dog."


44 posted on 02/14/2006 1:42:47 PM PST by NerdDad
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To: NerdDad
"There are few things worse than chili strained thru a dog."

They've never owned a dog then...

45 posted on 02/14/2006 1:46:42 PM PST by Snardius (And you KNOW what I'm talking about...)
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To: Snardius

Here's an oldie that just occurred to me.

Happy as a tick on a fat puppy dog.


46 posted on 02/14/2006 2:49:03 PM PST by saganite (The poster formerly known as Arkie 2)
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To: saganite

Reminds me of an old Georgia boy friend who, after a good meal, would announce, "Boy howdy, I am as full as a tick." Still makes me laugh, although when I have tried the same line here in Marin County for some reason it doesn't seem to have the same impact.


47 posted on 02/14/2006 4:07:18 PM PST by comitatus
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To: Snardius

She's ugly like she was hit with a Mac Truck full of ugly sticks?


48 posted on 02/14/2006 4:08:13 PM PST by MikefromOhio (Brokeback Mountain: The ONLY western where the Cowboys GET IT IN THE END!!!)
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To: Snardius

This thread is just Slicker than GooseShit.....


49 posted on 02/14/2006 4:08:52 PM PST by MikefromOhio (Brokeback Mountain: The ONLY western where the Cowboys GET IT IN THE END!!!)
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To: Snardius

As nervous as a cat in a rocking chair factory.


50 posted on 02/14/2006 4:10:01 PM PST by Casloy
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