Competition Orange ain't soo bad..
Posted on 06/28/2006 6:53:00 AM PDT by yankeedame
Men - Listen Up! The International Rules of Manhood
The International Rules of Manhood:
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". (e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
Man-Law
Read it, Learn it, Live it.
The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
why would you cry
GTFU
Tears of joy, wishing your buds could be there with you.
But watching Tonya Harding (among others) while in her prime was...."inspiring"...to say the least.
The phrase "tears of joy" comes to mind.
Joy
or real tears because its just a movie
Speaking of crying,
Would it be OK, according to the bylaws of ManLaw, to get teary eyed when Ole Yeller dies?
Taking into account of course, that you are watching the movie alone with nobody else around.
Competition Orange ain't soo bad..
I was laughing so hard, the people in the office called security.
You can... you just can't ever tell anyone
Naw... tears of joy there, too
"2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". (e) When she is using her teeth."
I would add, when Ray Kinsella says "Dad, do you want to have a catch?"
I think in either of these situations, it's perfectly acceptable to remove his GUTS and his BALLS with a rusty spoon. Just so ya'all know.
*Tim Allen Grunt*
Yeah, like we're gonna stand there and let that happen...
BTTT
Nope,not really.Katerina was an East German.I dislike East Germans...just on general principles.Add to that the fact that she was probably given every illegal drug in the book and I had no use for her.
Tonya,in her prime,really got my blood to boilin'! I guess I've always liked my women a little bit trashy. ;-)
Man-Law PING.
By posting this,I fear that you're in violation of the Violence Against Men Act of 1872.
Please report to your nearest FBI office for processing! ;-)
Of course, there ARE exceptions to every rule...
Lighten up sweetie!
By the way, it's spelled "y'all".
:)
Hey dude! Where ya been?
LOL!
And feed them to the dog....
LOL!
I been around...working a lot, lurking a lot, etc. How 'bout yourself?
:-)
LOL!
I looked at that grill everytime I went to Lowe's for about 6 months. Seriously.
His own dog?? Crap, just shoot me now!
We will distract you with our feminine wiles and you'll never miss them until they're gone. :-P
Manly!
So manly, I've started having to shave 3 times a day.
And that's just your back!
You Kidding....I still cant go into the woods without someone saying " What pretty Teeth you got there"
That was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen
I'm protected under the Feminazi Propaganda Act of 1971. Neener neener.
Certainly it's a real word! It's just not in any Yankee dictionary.
But I am LOL @ "Thoatwarbler Mangrove". :)
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