"How long have you been a male nurse?"
Posted on 11/06/2006 7:57:25 PM PST by 60Gunner
When I decided to become a nurse, I made up my mind from the beginning that I wanted to work in the Emergency Room. I have never worked anywhere else as a nurse. Besides being a constant source of challenge and education, being an ER nurse has other benefits. Here are just a few:
1. The look on a belligerent drunk's face when you explain to him or her EXACTLY where that big ol' tube is going.
2. Wearing your pajamas to work.
3. The sense of awe that you get when looking at some of the things you find in an abdomino-pelvic X-ray on a Saturday night.
4. Getting paid to say, "Relax. This'll only hurt for a few seconds."
5. Learning how to compare the appearance of potable fluids with bodily fluids.
6. Learning how to keep a straight face when you hear a patient say "I swear to God- I have NO IDEA how that got there."
7. Learning how to suppress the urge to laugh uncontrollably until after your leave your patient's room.
8. Meeting girls. Or boys. Or something that isn't quite either of those but makes for interesting breakroom conversation.
9. Grossing your annoying in-laws out when you tell them EXACTLY what their London Broil looks like.
10. Learning how to use bedpans for skis in the parking lot on a snowy day.
11. Learning to identify ANYTHING that could possibly be used as an emesis basin in less than one second.
12. Job security through December 2394 with overtime and shift differentials.
13. An endless supply of subject matter to introduce whenever the dinner table conversation becomes boring.
14. Playing with sharp objects.
15. Running with scissors.
16. Using leather straps without having to wear a black latex outfit.
17. Learning how to make a scared kid smile.
18. Learning how to make a smiling punk scared.
19. The look of awe on a pretty woman's face when you tell her, "Yeah, it's just like the TV show."
20. Developing an appreciation for the intricacies of the human body as you help the MD crack a gangbanger's chest to play "Find the bullet."
21. Humming "I've Got You Under My Skin" while scrubbing the real estate out of a drunk car surfer's road rash.
22. Having an alibi for your insanity ("Oh, he's an ER nurse." "Ahhh... That makes sense.").
23. Learning how to think faster than you ever imagined you could when your patient's cardiac rhythm suddenly changes from stable to lethal.
24. Seeing and appreciating the intricate ballet of the code team when an outside observer sees only chaos and blood.
25. Learning how to give an intramuscular injection so smoothly that when you finish, your patient says, "Ooh, you're good!"
26. Learning how to start an IV upside down while bending over.
27. Learning how to sense a change in your patient's condition before the monitors and taking action before she goes into ventricular tachycardia.
27. Getting a license plate frame that says: "ER NURSE- PASS ME NOW, SEE ME LATER."
ER Nurse Stories Ping. I had this essay sitting around and thought y'all might be interested.
(email me if you want to be un-pinged.)
Because the thought of you in black latex is too much for us to bear.
I got to send out the heavy lighting truck the other night to the scene of a pedestrian vs freight train. The IC on the scene said they had to be sure they "found all of it".
The pay sucks....the hours suck...but the stories!
L
"How long have you been a male nurse?"
I know you'll enjoy this one too. Next lesson, i'll teach you how to get on a ping list.
Prizes if you do well. :D
You have been pinged.
Eugh. We never see those. The MDs usually call'em on the scene.
Apparently the train tossed this guy just shy of a hundred feet. Well, most of him anyway.
L
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal.
Your idea of a good time is a code at change of shift.
You believe in aerosol spraying of Prozac.
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.
You believe that chocolate is a food group.
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if someone should say "Boy, it sure is quiet around here!"
You admire a stranger's veins.
You have referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit."
You don't think a consult with Dr. Kavorkian is inappropriate.
You have had to leave a patient's room before breaking into uncontrollable laughter.
When ordering labs, you have wanted to order a "feces on the brain" profile.
You are astounded when somebody in the lab speaks English.
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA.
You can calculate the "tooth to tattoo ratio" without a calculator.
You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
You have used your status to get out of a speeding ticket.
You've called in sick on a full moon.
You've got voodoo dolls labeled with doctor's names..and lots of needles stuck therein.
You believe that every waiting room should come with a valium salt lick
You have restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.
You barely consider the raise your employer offers you, before moving on to another job.
You aren't sure who your boss is.
You know how to say bedpan in five languages.
You keep oxygen equipment in your locker, just in case there's a code on the same day as cost containment is implemented by your employer.
You recognize that unionization is professional.
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!
You may be a nurse if..... You believe that every patient needs TLC... Temazepam, Lorazepam and Chlorpromazine.
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light system some night in a dark alley.
You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.
Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
Your kids get their presents in TED stockings and hospital pillowcases. And their presents are wrapped with Micropore tape.
You know the phone number of every late night food delivery place by heart.
Almost everything can seem funny ... eventually.
When asked by the doctor what color that patient's diarrhoea was, you show them your shoes.
You can identify different causes of diarrhoea by the smell of it.
Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the keys, scissors and clamps in your pocket.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.
You use bladder lavage bags to drip water onto your plants when you're on holiday.
You refuse to watch ER because its too much like the real thing and it triggers flashbacks or... Your family refuse to let you watch ER because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down X-rays.
You avoid answering the phone on your day off in case anyone from the hospital is trying to call and beg you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throws up.
You notice that you are using even more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing.
You've seriously considered catheterising your children before a long car journey.
Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you. Most of them have the names of laxatives on them.
You don't get excited about blood; unless it's your own.
You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult"
You've basted your Christmas turkey with a 50ml syringe.
You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker and to shout if they need help.
Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the level of a patient's orientation you aren't sure of the day yourself. Or if nightshift, the month.
You find yourself checking out other customers' veins in supermarket queues.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break and are not embarrassed when you wake up
You avoid unhealthy looking people in the shopping centre for fear that they will drop dead near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
Your finger has gone into places you never thought possible.
You've seen more penises than any prostitute.
You've sworn to have "Do Not Resuscitate" tattooed on your chest. Soon.
So I have. Thank you...
Heroin OD's arriving in cardio-pulmonary arrest and walking out 10 minutes after getting their Narcan....
"Sick As Hell Anemia"
Watching the medical staff slipping and falling in the blood on the floor during an open chest code....
Watching a nurse baptize a stillborn baby in the dirty utility room....
Listening to the surgical residents bargaining over who'll tell the parents of that 17 year old kid with the bullet in his head that "we did all we could".....
I did it for 20 years.It paid the bills.And I did see many examples of astounding bravery and devotion....but I'm damn glad that I'm out of there.It took a huge toll on me.
Ping...
Did I tell you about the fellow who had a champagne cork in his ...?
Champagne cork? That's nothing. A couple of years back we had a guy come in with a shampoo bottle up there. He said, "I slipped in the shower." I said, "Lucky for you that you hit that puddle of KY on the way down."
That champagne cork was ejected directly from its bottle into its final resting place.
Okay. You win.
I've always said that the stories they tell about how those things got there are the biggest laugh.
(Sexy) Nurse ping!
I once knew a male ER nurse who packed heat in one boot and had a hunting knife in the other.
Thanks for all you all do and have done
Just saw he will be on AMC Saturday night in a restored "Taxi Driver"!
I'm cracking up..
I hate to see an et tube not secured, or hear the schush of a ventilator and the patients chest doesn't rise...
I asked the boy, "What brings you here tonight?"
"Go ahead. Tell him!" the boy's mother snapped.
"I put something in my butt."
Well, that explains the hum, I thought.
I finished the exam but was unable to auscultate abdominal sounds because they were obliterated by the hum. I wrote up my assessment findings and put the chart in the "Doctor to see" rack. The MD turned to me and said, "foreign body in rectum?"
"Yup."
"Still turned on?"
"It depends. Are you referring to the foreign body, or to the boy?" another nurse asked.
"Oh, ha ha!" said the MD as he went into the patient's room. Five minutes later he exited, biting his lip.
The MD ordered an abdomino-pelvic X-ray, and ten minutes later every nurse in the front section was in the X-ray reading room, staring in slack-jawed wonder at the pictures of the simply massive, anatomically-correct foreign object that was lodged far, far into the boy's lower bowel.
"Wow," one of the nurses said. "Just frigging wow."
Well, the doctor tells the Unit Coordinator (who of course runs the whole ER) to call up to MedSurg for a room for the boy, gives me a where do we find these people? kind of look, and goes into the room to inform the boy and his mother that the boy will be going upstairs.
I sat down to finish my charting and reviewed the patient's labs, imaging, and vital signs before calling the floor nurse to give report. As I worked, I heard the MD talking to the boy and his mother. I heard the MD say, "You know, kid, I gotta ask. Where on earth did you get that thing?"
After a few seconds of silence, the boy answered softly, "It's my mother's."
The Unit Coordinator looked at me, wide-eyed. The nurse next to me let out a little shriek, clapped her hands over her mouth, and bolted for the medication room. I just sat there with my head in my hands for awhile.
I called report, got the boy packaged up for the transfer, and the Emergency Department tech rolled the kid upstairs accompanied by his mother, who looked straight ahead without expression all the way past the nurse's desk.
Nobody laughed after they were gone. We were all simply mortified. We felt just awful for this kid's mom.
ping
LOL! Those are great! Give us more!
You know, isn't that the truth? I wonder if they spend the entire uncomfortable ride to the ER working on their stories?
Oh, those uniforms are out of style. We don't wear the caps anymore. ;0)
Thank you, Horatio. Here's hoping we never meet.
I could probably let the cap go....lol!
Christian news and commentary at: sacredscoop.com ...
ER Nursing Ping!
That is a rare and valuable skill.
Could you please add me to your ping list?
And my mentor, a real poineer of nursing, taught me that if I just lifted the tip of the patient's nose a little bit, it made the NG catheter tip slip past the sinus and into the nasopharynx a little easier. It wasn't completely without discomfort, but there was a definite difference.
Slipping a NG tube down an unconscious patient has a lot of risks- the biggest one is trauma to the larynx and bronchi due to going down the wrong tube. The best way to do it is with the patient wide awake, sitting bolt upright, and swallowing a glass of ice water as the tube is advanced to keep the epiglottis closed over the trachea.
I would be delighted, Huntress. Consider it done.
60
4. Getting paid to say, "Relax. This'll only hurt for a few seconds."
Pain is my friend but I like to jump real hard just as they're about to stick the needle into arm
10. Learning how to use bedpans for skis in the parking lot on a snowy day.
Or as storage containers for the big Mac's your relatives sneak into your room even though you on intravenous only.
11. Learning to identify ANYTHING that could possibly be used as an emesis basin in less than one second.
those lousy cheap sock/Slippers work real nice in a pinch
14. Playing with sharp objects.
One of my favorite pastimes
18. Learning how to make a smiling punk scared.
Learning how to make nurses scared by faking convulsions
23. Learning how to think faster than you ever imagined you could when your patient's cardiac rhythm suddenly changes from stable to lethal.
Learning how to make the heart monitor go wonky & watching the reaction on the desk nurses faces
25. Learning how to give an intramuscular injection so smoothly that when you finish, your patient says, "Ooh, you're good!"
I must run into al lthe first timers then- my arms look like heroine addicts arms when they're done with me
27. Getting a license plate frame that says: "ER NURSE- PASS ME NOW, SEE ME LATER."
Getting a liscence plate that say "I REFUSE any more NG tubes!"
Christian news and commentary at: sacredscoop.com ...
Christian news and commentary at: sacredscoop.com ...
I know we're not in the "cool" fields, we're not the elite, we're not the big money makers or the big movers or shakers....
but all in all, I feel great satisfaction over what I do, even if some of it is mundane.....
because there is no replacing the gratitude you feel when you help people, or their families, or usher patients thru the death process, or hug families who are torn up, or hold a very lonely and confused man's hand when he doesn't know where the heck he is.....
working with the very great people in the health field is the ultimate....the great doctors, the fellow nurses, the RT's and the social workers......we all have this unwritten language.......we feel the pulse of life every day.....you just can not beat that.....
I ask this because I wonder if there are teens who want to go into health care because they watch Grey's Anatomy or Scrubs and think it's the path to free and unlimited tail.
My sister was an ER nurse in the 70's. One night the parents of a teenager pulled up. Brought him in and they were obviously embarrassed. Their son had a vibrator stuck up his rectum, couldn't get it out and on top of it all, couldn't reach the on/off button to shut it off.
Sounds like what happened to my sister which I just posted - did you work at Suburban General in Pittsburgh? (now Allegheny Suburban).
The work I do is mainly to help the nurses. The nurses are the ones who get the complaints about the bad food, lousy bed. The nurses get the insults from families. The nurses get things thrown at them, get hit, punched, spit on, cursed at. The nurses have to explain that they can't do something until the doctor orders it and then get called over and over again to the patient's room to hear the patient ask over and over again "has the doctor ordered it yet? Can't you call him again?"
I can't stand to watch the sniveling talk shows where some movie star comes on and makes a big deal out of how much work they do and things like that. After spending 5 years, 2 in a nursing home and 2 1/2 in a hospital and seeing the suffering of the patients and the miracles we call nurses, I can't stand to hear alot of the whining elsewhere.
Christian news and commentary at: sacredscoop.com ...
Please ping me. (Am I already pinged?)
Your writing is sublime. You really should get published.
Sorry I missed your ping to me..
I love your nurse stories.
Mooch Pooch, consider yourself pinged. Thank you for your encouraging words.
60
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