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"You might be a redneck if........"

Posted on 01/22/2007 1:01:06 PM PST by SandRat

"You might be a redneck if........"

1. Your Southern Babtist Church house has an ash tray on the right side of the front steps and a spittoon on the left.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

And last, but not least...

31. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: jokes; redneck

1 posted on 01/22/2007 1:01:07 PM PST by SandRat
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To: SandRat

....you can't spell Baptist.


2 posted on 01/22/2007 1:02:13 PM PST by ShadowDancer (Life is not tried, it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire.)
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To: SandRat

25/31

;-)


3 posted on 01/22/2007 1:03:26 PM PST by BlueNgold (Feed the Tree .....)
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To: SandRat

Are we violating fair use by not citing Mr. Foxworthy and providing a source link?


4 posted on 01/22/2007 1:04:19 PM PST by BlueNgold (Feed the Tree .....)
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To: SandRat
If you have a Master Card to your local Waffle House.

If you walk your kids to school everyday because you are in the same grade.

If you go to Family Reunions to look for a date.


5 posted on 01/22/2007 1:05:01 PM PST by darkwing104 (Let's get dangerous)
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To: ShadowDancer

Hey, its phonetically correct. For sure.


6 posted on 01/22/2007 1:07:23 PM PST by billsch (BS)
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To: SandRat
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

7 posted on 01/22/2007 1:07:38 PM PST by digger48
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To: BlueNgold

Didn't gittit from Jeff-Bo.


8 posted on 01/22/2007 1:09:32 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat
You might be a red neck if your state never elected ted kenndy or john kerry to the Senate
9 posted on 01/22/2007 1:09:38 PM PST by sticker
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To: SandRat

you might be a redneck if you can't spell Baptist.


10 posted on 01/22/2007 1:09:49 PM PST by Gone_Postal (There's plenty of room for all God's creatures..right next to the mashed potatoes)
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To: SandRat

You might be a redneck if you spend a lot of time outdoors on sunny days and use a sunscreen that has an SPF factor of less than 10.


11 posted on 01/22/2007 1:10:12 PM PST by snarks_when_bored
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To: SandRat

If your mother wears flip-flops to a PTA meeting.


12 posted on 01/22/2007 1:11:30 PM PST by AmericanMade1776 (Democrats don't have a plan)
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To: ShadowDancer

Then the web page I gottit from kaint knee-th-her.


13 posted on 01/22/2007 1:11:33 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: snarks_when_bored

LOL


14 posted on 01/22/2007 1:13:03 PM PST by To Hell With Poverty (If this city were any 'bluer', it'd be spelled 'bleu'.)
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To: SandRat

LOL

I needed a laugh.. those were funny. :o)

MM


15 posted on 01/22/2007 1:14:18 PM PST by motormouth (It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.)
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To: SandRat

Number 6 has actually happened to me!


16 posted on 01/22/2007 1:16:05 PM PST by Kaylee Frye
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To: SandRat
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
# . . . you use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
# . . . you say "these are not the beers you are looking for."
# . . . that "disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans.
# . . . the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
# . . . you call your young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"
# . . . you have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.
# . . . the Force isn't the only thing that runs in your family.
# . . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master".
# . . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.
# . . . you meditate to old CCR records.
# . . . you call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.
# . . . you have ever said, "Anger...Fear...Aggression...Yankees...the dark side are they."
# . . . your X-Wing has a still in it.
# . . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
# . . . there is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
# . . . your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
# . . . you trim your beard and find a Mylock.
# . . . you have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.
# . . . you use Jawas for a drink holders.
# . . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
# . . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
# . . . you use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.
# . . . you think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
# . . . you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
# . . . your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.
# . . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
# . . . you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
# . . . you can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
# . . . you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
# . . . you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
# . . . your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
# . . . you have ever had your R2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
# . . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
# . . . you beat the Gammorean Guard in an "ugly" contest.
# . . . your father's name is Garth Vader.
# . . . you got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
# . . . you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your sister.
# . . . you constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
# . . . you count B.O. as a Jedi power.
# . . . you have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.

17 posted on 01/22/2007 1:18:27 PM PST by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: motormouth
Then go here http://www.balaams-ass.com/piano/humor.htm and oh BTW don't drink anything as you read them. You don't want to have clean your PC screen and Keyboard off from what ever liquid you ended up squirt out your nose as you laughed.
18 posted on 01/22/2007 1:20:49 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat

LOL Thanks for the warning. (I was drinking coffee when I read what you posted..and needed clean off my PC. )

MM


19 posted on 01/22/2007 1:24:32 PM PST by motormouth (It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.)
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To: SandRat

Where's #5?


20 posted on 01/22/2007 1:27:15 PM PST by b4its2late (Liberalism is a hollow log and a mental disorder.)
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To: martin_fierro

# . . . Garth Vader is always yellin that his helmut is not yer spit cup.
# . . . your sister's name Prinsueus Lay-em.


21 posted on 01/22/2007 1:27:46 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: b4its2late

it's a redneck gradjuate count.


22 posted on 01/22/2007 1:29:13 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat

Nor # 18


23 posted on 01/22/2007 1:31:12 PM PST by b4its2late (Liberalism is a hollow log and a mental disorder.)
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To: SandRat

LOL! Figured..... They are pretty funny, especially - You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.


24 posted on 01/22/2007 1:32:39 PM PST by b4its2late (Liberalism is a hollow log and a mental disorder.)
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To: b4its2late

Thas huntin wit a bumper permit.


25 posted on 01/22/2007 1:35:12 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat

Several of them, including the tag line, are from his live act and published books...


26 posted on 01/22/2007 1:35:25 PM PST by BlueNgold (Feed the Tree .....)
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To: martin_fierro; CougarGA7
at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored

ANd your callsign is "Freebird".

27 posted on 01/22/2007 1:36:22 PM PST by Tijeras_Slim
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To: BlueNgold

then http://www.balaams-ass.com/piano/humor.htm has a slight problem doesn't it.


28 posted on 01/22/2007 1:36:43 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat

Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.


29 posted on 01/22/2007 1:40:08 PM PST by Mase (Save me from the people who would save me from myself!)
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To: SandRat

Well I think of myself as a redneck, but I can only claim #16 on your list. Oh and my Baptist Church is spelled Presbyterian.


30 posted on 01/22/2007 1:42:38 PM PST by HoustonCurmudgeon
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To: HoustonCurmudgeon

taint my list. came frum hear http://www.balaams-ass.com/piano/humor.htm


31 posted on 01/22/2007 1:43:40 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat

Subject: Redneck sensitivity

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower; Cooter, Pete and K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, darn, someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me,"
Pete replies, "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.


32 posted on 01/22/2007 1:46:12 PM PST by B4Ranch (Press "1" for English, or Press "2" and you will be disconnected until you learn to speak English.)
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To: b4its2late


1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself

............Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

........Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

.............George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

............G. Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

............James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

.....Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

...............P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

..........Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

.........Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

.....Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.

.........P.J. O'Rourke

12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

........Voltaire (1764)

13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.

.........Pericles (430 B.C.)

14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

....Mark Twain (1866)

15) Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it.

....Unknown

16) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

........Ronald Reagan

17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

......Winston Churchill

18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

.....Mark Twain

19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

.......Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

20) There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.

.....Mark Twain

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

.......Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

.....Thomas Jefferson


33 posted on 01/22/2007 1:55:36 PM PST by B4Ranch (Press "1" for English, or Press "2" and you will be disconnected until you learn to speak English.)
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To: Tijeras_Slim; CougarGA7
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

You might be a Redneck Computer Game Character if...

34 posted on 01/22/2007 1:57:00 PM PST by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: darkwing104

Good Ol' Ole, the Northern Redneck

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and
Go hunting, so he told his assistant, "Ya Ole, I am
Going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close
The clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and
Take care of our patients."

"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day
And asks: "So Ole, how was your day?"

Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The first
One had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.

"Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave
Him MAALOX, sir." says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what;
About the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens
And a woman enters like a flame, she undresses
Herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies
Down on the table spread her legs and shouts:
"HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!"

"And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.

"I put eye drops in her eyes."


35 posted on 01/22/2007 1:58:32 PM PST by B4Ranch (Press "1" for English, or Press "2" and you will be disconnected until you learn to speak English.)
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To: B4Ranch; All

A True Dog Story ???

A blind man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a stop-over in Sacramento.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.

Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs? "The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye Dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story or not ....Have a great day and remember... Things aren't always as they appear.


36 posted on 01/22/2007 1:58:34 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat

I think that would be enuf reason to think about whether to get back on or not. Yup, I do.


37 posted on 01/22/2007 2:09:24 PM PST by B4Ranch (Press "1" for English, or Press "2" and you will be disconnected until you learn to speak English.)
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To: digger48
Redneck Pet Carrier.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic
38 posted on 01/22/2007 2:39:53 PM PST by 007girl
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To: SandRat

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Bears Tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."


39 posted on 01/22/2007 2:59:23 PM PST by B4Ranch (Press "1" for English, or Press "2" and you will be disconnected until you learn to speak English.)
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To: 007girl

LOL!!


40 posted on 01/22/2007 3:15:17 PM PST by digger48
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To: digger48

Wow, 7 Coors Light cans is about 35 inches. That's a pretty nice pike!


41 posted on 01/22/2007 3:38:52 PM PST by lesser_satan (EKTHELTHIOR!!!)
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To: SandRat

LOL Thanks, I needed that!


42 posted on 01/22/2007 3:44:10 PM PST by Continental Soldier
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To: SandRat

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

If you have ever financed a tattoo.


43 posted on 01/23/2007 4:34:48 AM PST by fredhead (Teach a man to fish.......and he'll fish for a lifetime.)
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To: SandRat



44 posted on 01/24/2007 12:06:56 AM PST by Jaysun (I've never paid for sex in my life. And that's really pissed off a lot of prostitutes.)
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