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Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora

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To: Sonora
Courtesy of Sheryl Crowe.

101 posted on 07/25/2007 5:36:52 PM PDT by submarinerswife ("If I win I can't be stopped! If I lose I shall be dead." - George S. Patton)
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To: free_life
Another home security system (post hurricane)

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

102 posted on 07/25/2007 5:43:27 PM PDT by dynachrome (Henry Bowman is right.)
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To: All

A Washington , DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of
why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so
that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, then she interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you
look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ..” Without trying to
make her look stupid, I calmly explained,” Cape Cod is in Massachusetts ,
Capetown is in Africa .” . . . Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida
package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He
said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, “Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida< /st1:State is a very thin
state!” (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, “Is it possible
to see England from Canada ?” I said, “No.” She said, “But they look
so close on the map.” (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could
rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .. When I asked him why he wanted to
rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will
need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know
how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM got
to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Ill inois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones.
Finally,I told her the plane went really fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in
with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m
overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting her on hold for
a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and
explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),and
the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to
Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be
cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?”

9.I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked,
“How do I know which plane to get on?”I asked him what exactly he
meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these planes have numbers on them.”

10. A lady Senator called and said,”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola,
Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I
asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl.on a commuter plane.
She said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents
he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve
been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”I double
checked,and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him
this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time
they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, “I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .” I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes,
what flights do you have?” replied the lady. After some searching, I
came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in
the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.” The lady retorted, “Oh,
don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” So I
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t
mean Buffalo, do you?”

The reply? “Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

103 posted on 07/25/2007 5:50:03 PM PDT by LadyBuzz
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To: Sonora

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order “That will be $9.40 please,”

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

” No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every ime?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

” That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

104 posted on 07/25/2007 5:51:19 PM PDT by hgro (Jerry Riversd)
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To: All

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a platoon sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a PFC monkey please.” The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a small crowded cage at the side of the shop and removed one of several monkeys. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $1000.” The platoon sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can fire expert with small arms, score 300 on the APFT, and perform Drill & Ceremony and Small Unit Tactics with no mistakes. They’re also really amazing at cleaning things, taking things apart, and putting them back together again. And they’re pretty fearless. I’ve seen ‘em take on bear, dragon and towel-headed monkeys at better than 10:1 odds (and win). Well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at a few monkeys in another much bigger cage. “Oh, my, these monkey’s are even more expensive! $10,000! What do they do?” “Oh, those are NCO monkeys; they can instruct BRM, CTT, PT, D&C and SUT, and even do some paperwork. They’re really useful for keeping a bunch of PFC monkey’s in line, that sometimes do a lot of bickering and squabbling amonst themselves (or pretend they’re sick). Its really amazing to watch a bunch of reclining and sick looking PFC monkeys suddenly spring up and jump into action when an NCO monkey is put into the group. Quite amazing at how those NCO monkeys interact with PFC monkeys. I’ve seen ‘em sit next to an apparently sad PFC monkey for a little while, and before you new it that PFC monkey was right as rain; never a clue there was anything wrong with it. All really pretty usefull stuff, you know; especially if you have problems with your PFC monkeys. They’re really not much use all by themselves though (not without some PFC monkeys around)” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a much much larger cage of its own. The price tag posted on the cage read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others combined! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually SEEN it do ANYTHING, but the import paperwork indicated that it’s a Colonel monkey.”

105 posted on 07/25/2007 5:57:43 PM PDT by raygun (Look, if you're going to be surfin' & downloading porn on you iPhone, pull over first, o.k?)
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To: Attention Surplus Disorder
Wots the difference between a Jewish mother and a terrorist?

Occasionally, you can reason with a terrorist.

106 posted on 07/25/2007 6:07:44 PM PDT by Lonesome in Massachussets (I never consented to live in the Camp of the Saints.)
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To: alarm rider

or BOB.

107 posted on 07/25/2007 6:10:12 PM PDT by aliquando (A Scout is T, L, H, F, C, K, O, C, T, B, C, and R.)
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To: Sonora


108 posted on 07/25/2007 6:11:20 PM PDT by Peace Is Coming
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To: Sonora

109 posted on 07/25/2007 6:11:28 PM PDT by pookie18
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To: RaceBannon

Hey Dude, that needs to go on a horror thread instead of humor.

After the first 50 I went into the closet to hide.

110 posted on 07/25/2007 6:20:12 PM PDT by TASMANIANRED (Taz Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge)
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To: malamute
Personally, I can't stand blonde jokes because they are really POLISH jokes trying to be PC.
111 posted on 07/25/2007 6:22:25 PM PDT by southern rock
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To: Sonora

So, a guy walks into a talent agents office and says, “Oh boy! Do I have an act for you!”

Talent agent says, “What kind of an act is it?”

The man replies, “It’s a family act! You’ll love it!”

Talent agent replies, “Unnghh. I hate family acts. They are hokey, hackey, and worn out.”

Man says, “This one is different. You will be amazed”

Talent agent says, “You have 5 minutes.”

Then the man brings a small whistle out his pocket and blows it. In comes the man’s wife, daughter, son, elderly grandparents, his dog, cat, Ron Jeremy, and the entire FAMU marching band playing “When the Saints Go Marching In.”

..... (I prefer the Bob Saget version here)

After its all over the talent agent sits there stunned, confused, and thoroughly disgusted. After a few minutes go by he says “That’s quite an act... What do you call that?”

And the man replies, “The Aristocrats!”

112 posted on 07/25/2007 6:22:29 PM PDT by Illuminatas (Being conservative means never having to say; "Don't you dare question my patriotism")
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To: Kevmo


113 posted on 07/25/2007 6:37:05 PM PDT by Lonesome in Massachussets (I never consented to live in the Camp of the Saints.)
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To: aliquando

what do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
What do you call a woman who has one leg shorter than the other?

114 posted on 07/25/2007 6:38:54 PM PDT by Yorlik803 ( When are we going to draw a line a say"this far and no farther")
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To: Sonora
After early Mass on Sunday, Mary Maguire walks up to Father O'Brien and says:

"Father, my poor Paddy passed away last night"

Father O'Brien said "May the the Good Lord have mercy, Mary. Was it sudden?"

Mary said "Yes it was, Father".

Father O'Brien asked "Did he have any last words?"

"Yes". He said "Mary, please put down that gun".

115 posted on 07/25/2007 6:41:24 PM PDT by Eagles6
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Comment #116 Removed by Moderator

To: All

A crusty old Master Sergeant found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant , but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant said, “Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

The Sergeant’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The Sergeant looked at her with piercing steel grey eyes and after a long un-blinking moment replied, “1955.”

She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”

The Sergeant, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “You think so? It’s only 2130 now.”

117 posted on 07/25/2007 7:34:35 PM PDT by raygun (Look, if you're going to be surfin' & downloading porn on you iPhone, pull over first, o.k?)
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To: Sonora; davidlachnicht; prisoner6; Bringbackthedraft

A recently married young couple, Bob and Jane, were both lapsed Catholics who hastily eloped and were married by a Justice of the Peace. Coming up on their first wedding anniversary and ready to start a family, they both had a change of heart and decided that they wanted to return to the Church and to celebrate their anniversary and love for each other, be married again by a priest.

Bob and Jane went to see Father Doyle. The kindly priest counseled them to attend Mass every day for a month. Bob and Jane said, “That’s no problem Father, we can do that.”

Father Doyle also told them they must obtain their baptismal records and complete a standard marriage-investigation prenuptial form and attend prenuptial classes three times a week for the next month. Holding hands and deeply gazing into each others eyes, Bob and Jane responded, “We will gladly do that Father”.

And one more thing, the priest said, “As a sign of your commitment and as an act of contrition, you must abstain from marital relations for the next month.”

Bob and Jane looked at the priest, then at each other and after taking a deep breath, Jane said, “Father, Bob and I are committed to doing whatever you and the Church asks of us”.

After four weeks passed, Bob and Jane returned to see Father Doyle. The priest asked, “So how did things go?”

Jane said, “We went to Mass every day and we got our baptismal records and completed the standard marriage-investigation prenuptial form and attended all the prenuptial classes just as you instructed.”

“And”?, asked Father Doyle.

Bob and Jane hesitated to answer and blushed and then Bob said, “Well I have to tell you Father, the first day was agony!”

“The second day was nearly unbearable but I took a lot of cold showers.”

“But we have to admit, that on the morning of the third day, well I don’t know what happened, but my beautiful wife had a carton of orange juice in her hand and we looked into each others eyes and she dropped the orange juice and the carton split open and orange juice was all over the floor and we just snapped! I’m embarrassed and sorry to say we disrobed right there and then and did it on the floor.”

Father Doyle shook his head and said, “I’m sorely disappointed in you both”. “I’m afraid I cannot allow you back into the Church”.

Bob said, “I understand Father.” “The manager of the 7-11 said we weren’t welcome back there either”.

118 posted on 07/25/2007 7:36:09 PM PDT by Caramelgal (Rely on the spirit and meaning of the teachings, not on the words or superficial interpretations)
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To: Sonora
A woman who recently broke up with her boyfriend of several years decides she's going to be more spontaneous.

She goes to town and gets a make over, dies her beautiful blond hair red, buys a whole new wardrobe and buys a new car.

On her way home, she passes a sheep farm and decides "Why not?  A sheep might make a good pet."

She drives up and greets the owner of the farm on his porch, asking him "May I buy one of your sheep?"

He replies, "Sorry, they're not for sale."

Not to be deterred, she thinks a minute and says, "If I guess how many sheep you own may I have one?"

Amused, the farmer agrees.

Without missing a beet she says "63!"

Surprised the farmer says "Wow.  That's right....amazing.  A deal's a deal: go ahead and take one."

She walks around the herd, finds the one she likes the most and leads it to her car.

As she is trying to stuff it in her car, the farmer gets up off the porch and walks over to her.

He watches her struggle with the animal a couple more minutes and then asks, "Say, ma'am.  If I guess you're real hair color, may I have my dog back?

119 posted on 07/25/2007 8:01:25 PM PDT by Psycho_Bunny
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To: prisoner6
Utilikilts or more formal attire?

I love my utilikilt. Want more of them. My standard response to folks wondering why I'm wearing a kilt, is that it's proper attire in ANY civilized country.

120 posted on 07/25/2007 8:16:01 PM PDT by zeugma (If I eat right, don't smoke and exercise, I might live long enough to see the last Baby Boomer die.)
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