It's never good to turn your back on a 2 year old for long.
Posted on 04/25/2008 6:42:40 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
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Ping to #19
I like Escher. And Aubrey Beardsley. And Magritte.
So far, my favorite is “Fix It Again, Tony!”
Stolen from the one and only Black Echo
You Might Be A Ricer If…
You have more exhaust decibels than your engine has horsepower.
You have aftermarket FRONT wheels for racing but stock rear wheels.
Your engine makes twice as much horsepower as torque.
17” rims up front, 13” out back on your FWD.
You ever painted your wheels to match the same color of your car.
You put your automatic car in neutral at every stoplight in order to roll it back and try to fool other people into thinking you have a manual transmission
DuPont gave up trying to figure out the shade you were asking for.
Your mod list includes stereo equipment, shifter handle, MOMO steering wheel, PIA driving lights, exhaust tip, but no REAL engine parts.
A chameleon lizard undergoes fewer shade changes than your custom paint scheme.
Your rims and tires are so large, that you have to install the tire / wheel from underneath the car because it simply won’t fit in the wheel well going in from the side.
The dealer laughs when you bring your car back in for service under warranty, and you’ve only had it 6 months...
Your tires / rims stick out from the lip of your car by more than 1.”
Your paint job is from the WRONG end of the color spectrum.
You installed spacers on your STOCK wheels and tires to get them to stick out past the fender.
You see cars like yours in a Shriner’s Parade for Children and clowns are driving them.
You bring an empty Maxwell House coffee can with you to compare size when you shop for an aftermarket exhaust system.
Your Eclipse GS-T hardtop has a “SPYDER” emblem on the rear...
Your sum knowledge of suspension is: “the more negative camber, the better the handling.”
You push your car through the staging lanes. That way, maybe you can break into the 16s by keeping the motor cool between runs.
You add a super tall rear wing, and a hundred pounds of aftermarket ground effects, neon and stereo yet you gut the interior and yank out the rear seat for weight savings.
Your rear wing AND your rear window have a third mount brake light...
The back lighting in the gauges in your A-pillar gauge pod work long before the actual gauges are hooked up.
You cut 4 coil springs and scrape the chassis on the ground. Sparks are cool when you corner at normal traffic speeds!
You have to find a way to drive AROUND speed bumps in a parking lot.
You install clear corner and brake lights.
You install colored bulbs in your aftermarket clear lenses.
You ever put neon on the bottom of your car, and then busted it on the first speed bump you went over.
You painted the UNDERBODY of your car to match
If your rear spoiler is taller then you are.
if you can fit fist fuck your exhaust tip
You have more stereo WATTS than engine TORQUE!
If your tailpipe extension is the most expensive mod you’ve done to your engine yet.
Your tailpipe extension fell off during a quarter mile race and you went three tenths of a second faster due to weight savings.
EVERY car in your class has a turbo pushing double digits worth of boost.
You spent $5,000 on the engine and you can not out run a stock Camaro, Firebird, or Mustang
You want the ‘wastegate’ sound, but don’t want to install a turbocharger system.
You think Nitrous Oxide on your Hyundai Sonata puts you in the same performance league as the Chevy Corvette.
The automatic version of your car runs 2 seconds slower in the 1/4mile.
If the 1970 Plymouth Daytona Superbird has a smaller spoiler than your car does.
You think the Del Sol is a sports car...
A torque converter does NOTHING for your car.
You think a deep farty noise = the sound of high performance
If you think that horsepower is far more important than torque
If you have ever claimed that switching to a cone filter has given you more than 5 HP.
If you have ever considered installing more than one set of fog / driving lights.
If you claim that the aftermarket cold air intake system you just installed doubled your horsepower or took 2 or more seconds off of your E/T.
Your baseball cap is always on backwards when you drive (the first sign of mental retardation, wearing your clothes backwards... BE).
You spent all night on the Internet trying to find a company that makes a turbocharger system for your Hyundai...
If you removed your side view mirrors and put them at the TOP of the door / window frame.
If you think the Fugees are ‘speed’ music.
MOMO is ‘absolutely required’ to go fast.
Your four cylinder has a dual exhaust system installed.
Your four cylinder has four exhaust pipes (”Hey, one for each cylinder!”)
The color of your interior upholstery hurts the cones and rods in other people’s eyes.
If you cannot drive your car in snow as the ground effects create a plow effect.
If you have installed driving lights to compensate for headlight blackouts / tape.
If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are impressive for a ‘mildly’ modified engine.
If you have stickers on your car for parts that you could not point out if asked where those parts are installed.
You think pushrods are a bad thing…
Your car has more decals than you do the quarter in seconds.
Every Honda you EVER owned, all the way back to your 1978 Accord was either a V-Tec or a TYPE-R.
You took your rear seat out and gutted your interior for weight savings but you installed 400 pounds of electronics, neon, DVD, Sony, etc.
If you gutted the interior to save weight on a car that you will never take to the track…
You lean your seat so far back when you are driving, that every time you hit a bump, its your back and not your butt that hurts.
You have hydraulics and sixteen switches on a car you claim runs low 10s on the street and corners better than a Porsche.
If you can estimate that your car makes more than 250 HP without ever running it at the track or getting a dyno reading.
You claim that you can get a titanium block for your engine.
If you have ever thought Hyundai and “performance” went hand in hand
If you’ve ever gone to a parts shop or speed warehouse and asked for a 1” to 6” exhaust adapter...
If you’ve ever contemplated adding “TYPE-R” stickers to your Sonata…
If you’ve removed more than 1/2 of the coils from your springs by cutting them yourself ...
If you have more neon lights on your car than a strip club...
You put Kanji on your Ford ZX2, Ford Probe, or Mercury Cougar ...
You own a “TYPE-R” Hyundai or Mazda.
You couldn’t afford headlight masking, so you just painted them with flat black Krylon and it’s peeling. Badly.
You claim that polishing your intake gave you 5hp.
You own a V-TEC Hyundai or Mazda (especially a V-TEC rotary engined Mazda RX-7)
You have neon INSIDE your car or in your ENGINE compartment
You ever claimed that high gas mileage made your car superior in performance to V8s.
If it takes you 8000rpm to reach 30mph from a dead stop at WOT.
You think yellow plastic interior trim makes your car cool
You spend $500 for a giant hand welded tube for a muffler with the weld marks extremely visible
If you paint your drum brakes to simulate Hi-po calipers
If you install fake hi-po caliper / disc simulators
You have a front wing.
If you lower your car and add ground effects but retain the stock 14inch wheels with disc style wheel covers
If you equate the sound of performance with the sound of a Weed Eater™
If you think bolting a fake muffler to one side to simulate dual exhaust is cool
If you think colored head lights work better
Clear tail lights and turn signals. They’re colored for a REASON!
If you take mom’s 4 door Honda accord and do any kind of mod to it
You drive a Ford Escort station wagon with Kanji, wide tires, and Limp Bizkit stickers on the rear hatch
You claim you lost the race because you had a passenger in the car.
You claim how if you went from a roll you would have beat him.
You claim you lost because you missed a shift... and your car is an automatic.
You claim you lost because he must have been on the juice..
Flying past the person who is 10 car lengths in front of you after they have put on their brakes.. and claim a victory.
after losing you flip your opponent off... rev your motor and fail to break the wheels loose even around a corner.
Tell everyone about how you lost the cop because of your “driving skills.”
you are a white kid driving an import.. wear baggy pants/hat turned around, walk with a fake limp and end every sentence with “yew know wha I’m sayin? Relate.”
Your idea of aiming a handgun is raising your arm over your head, pointing the gun away from you, and then just letting your wrist fall to the side to where the gun is almost sideways ...
drive around in a $20,000 import with $10,000 in mods.. and still live with your parents.
You can relate to every line of the song “Pretty Fly For A White Guy” by the Offspring
you take offense when I say.. “your sister is like your car.. small, tight and hard to get into.”
You are a skinny, backwards hat wearing, dog chain wallet, 2 ft wide pants leg, Limp Bizkit looking white boy fag with a badly applied peroxide hair color treatment and temporary rub-on tattoos!
-————————————————————————— The following submissions to the list are from Chris (GreenMitsuE1)——————
You’ve spent more on graphics and decals than you have in gas, for the whole year
You sound like you’re going 90, but you’re creeping past 25
You upgraded to the “big bore” 2 inch exhaust
You lose 2 mpg by installing a body kit
Your wing is so large that if you go faster than 65, your bumper drags
You think “displacement” is something that happens to homeless people
Yugo’s give you a run for the money
You continuously run red lights because they are invisible thru your red window tint
15’s are considered HUGE rims
You can reach back and defrost the rear window by hand
You will race anyone, anytime, and already know that you will lose
You think Moby is one of the greatest composers of our time
You spend all your money pimping it out because spending money to make it faster is a waste
Your little sister is the only one impressed with your car
When you win a race, you don’t really win, it’s just that the other guy felt soooo sorry for you
You think your mom’s Corolla is fast
The cross section of your exhaust tip is bigger than the contact patch of your tires
Your aftermarket tach is bigger than your fist
You bought the big ass tach to try to scare off the fast cars
But all it does is let people know how hard you have to push it to exceed the legal speed limit
You rev on school busses
Hell, you rev on people in electric wheelchairs
You buy and install custom rims a pair at a time
YOU REALIZE THAT ALL OF THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND YOU STILL THINK YOU’RE COOL!!!
You’ve entered a 12 step program called “How to come to terms with your limitations”
The bill of your hat gets caught when you roll the window up
You really want to kick my ass right now
You cut 2” holes in your rear bumper and don’t know what they’re for
You cut 2” holes in your rear bumper and DO know what they’re for
You go to the auto paint store and pick out the most retina burning color you can find
You buy race gas to drop you from 17.02 to 16.9 in the quarter, and then tell all your friends how fast you went
You add a second battery to power all the neon, and the mini disco ball
You add a wing on TOP of your car, ‘cause wagons need down force too
You’ve ever painted bare, raw fiberglass black and said “Look! It’s just like carbon fiber!”
You get pimped out props from the mini truck crowd
You still only get dates from high school girls
You actually own a pair of light up glasses from Checker Auto
When you install your super phat wing, you put the pointy ends up
You purchase and install a body kit, one piece at a time
You saw the “Rice Boy” magazine in the back of Sport Compact, and inquired about a subscription
Your brother is pissed cause you stole the muffler off his dirt bike (it was a direct fit!)
Your dad is worried cause you bought a car with less displacement than his lawnmower
Check out post 5. I thought of you!!!
“What could be sillier than “World Penguin Day”?”
This thread?
Penguin’s wetsuit puts him back in the swim of things By MICHELLE LOCKE, Associated Press Writer
2 hours, 38 minutes ago
SAN FRANCISCO - What’s black and white and warm all over? A penguin in a wetsuit, naturally. Sounds like a joke, but it’s quite serious for biologists at the California Academy of Sciences, who had a wetsuit created for an African penguin to help him get back in the swim of things.
Pierre, a venerable 25 years old, was going bald, which left him with an embarrassingly exposed, pale pink behind.
Forgot the link.
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,as he often did,
and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
‘Who the hell are you?’ demanded Dave, ‘and what are you doing in my bedroom?’
The mysterious man answered ‘This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter.’
Dave was stunned ‘You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said
goodbye to my family. . You’ve got to send me back straight away.’
St Peter replied ‘Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.’
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was cov ered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
‘This ain’t so bad’ he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard
rooster strolled over and said ‘So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?’
‘It’s not so bad’ replies Dave, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.’
‘You’re ovulating’ explained the rooster, ‘don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.’ ‘Never’ replies Dave.
‘Well just relax and let it happen’.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from
under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the be tter of him as he experienced
motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being
reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on
the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
Dave, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’ve sh*t the bed!
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not
sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw th e look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting s***-faced
from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 30 0 lb. woman
is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve l ost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the
4- inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d
have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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