Skip to comments.Rafsanjani to Penn: Who's Your Daddy?
Posted on 06/04/2008 7:09:12 AM PDT by laotzu
Sean Penn had long ago wondered about the source of his irrational disdain for America and its values. At home or on the movie set, the progressive actor would often find himself muttering, "The Great Satan must be destroyed!" but couldn't quite put his finger on the reasons why. His mysterious predisposition towards wife-beating, accentuated by wearing a mustache, made him wonder on many occasions, who he could blame for it. "I knew it couldn't be my fault," the Oscar-winning actor told us. "Individual responsibility is a sham invented by the Republicans to put minorities in jail. So I couldn't blame my own character. It had to be my genetics or my upbringing. I didn't grow up in a ghetto, unfortunately - so it had to be the genetic thing. But which oppressed ethnic minority was I part of?"
His suspicions got bolstered by the strangely disturbing effect the U.S. Mideast policies had on his psyche. The more America flexed its military muscle, the more agitated the actor became. When he could bear it no more, he confronted his mother about his family roots.
Well-aware of what happened to women who had crossed her volatile son in the past, the mother quickly confessed that his true father was "some Middle Eastern guy" she met only briefly during a visit to a Santa Monica grocery store on the corner, early in the year 1960.
In another bizarre coincidence, the following morning (after a night filled with the usual nightmares about the Great Satan), Sean received an email from Ancestry.com with a coupon offering him an amazing FREE, two-week trial in discovering long-lost ancestors. The two-week trial later became a thrilling, eye-opening adventure and a discovery of the rebellious actor's biological father.
The search wasn't always smooth. Following a false lead, in December of 2002, the Academy-award-winning actor-cum-iconoclastic bad boy-cum-political activist-cum-part-time journalist went to Baghdad hoping he could stop the U.S. invasion if he could prove that Saddam Hussein was not a conniving blood-thirsty despot, but in fact a long-lost father of a beloved people's celebrity Sean Penn. That would of course, change both public opinion and the course of history. His visit, however, was cut short after Saddam's other sons, Uday and Qusay, demanded that Sean prove his relation to them in state-run rape rooms and torture cellars. "With all respect to diversity and multiculturalism," Penn confessed later in a story he wrote for the San Francisco Chronicle, "their noogies, wedgies, uppercuts, tooth-pulling, nail-slicing, and other manifestations of brotherly love did not feel even remotely familiar. Saddam was obviously not my father."
The painstaking research continued despite an extremely busy schedule of activities aimed at saving the world from America the Great Satan. An almost superhuman effort finally paid off when Sean discovered an old picture of Ali Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, leader of the Islamic Revolution and the current front-runner in the Iranian elections. "His face was a dead ringer, but his self-description as a steady hand for uneasy times told me he was family," says the actor.
Sean Penn and Rafsanjani in Tehran, June 2005.
Curiously enough, the following day the San Francisco Chronicle dispatched Sean Penn to Iran to cover the upcoming elections. Most media outlets have already reported that Iranian officials confiscated Mr. Penn's camera footage a few days ago, deeming it too sensitive to leave the country. The People's Cube found out why: the seized videotapes indeed confirmed Mr. Penn's hypothesis. On one of them, Rafsanjani is captured making the startling declaration: "Sean, I am your Father! I have admired your work since the movie, At Close Range. The dynamic between you and Christopher Walken was quite compelling." The tapes also show father and son engaged in a tearful embrace, as well as the Iranian statesman giving his son a copy of a new "flush-proof" Koran, developed by the Ayatollah's top nuclear scientists.
Reflecting on his newly confirmed family ties, Penn was reportedly overheard saying, in a voice redolent of his memorable Jeff Spicoli character, "I guess it probably explains my, what's the word I'm looking for; um, oh yeah, propensity - my propensity toward violent outbursts and my need to put women in their place, like I did when I worked over that little tramp - you know, my former wife, Madonna. Under Dad's rule she'd be stoned to death if she tried to pull that cucumber-sucking shit over here." Sources claim that he went on to note, "There was something about her song 'Like a Virgin' that strangely resonated with me. Who knew it was my destiny to become a martyr myself; then I'll get to 'touch' 72 virgins 'for the very first time'".
Mr. Penn has also found time to observe the superiority of the Iranian political system, as compared to that of his home country, where democracy has failed miserably. "We should look to other countries, and, you know, see how they run things," Mr. Penn keenly affirmed. Launching into an arresting diatribe against bourgeois hegemony, Mr. Penn went on to say, "Iran's Governing Council of enlightened Mullahs is, um, sort of like our own Electoral College, only it selects the winner BEFORE, not after, the elections." With fervor rising in his voice, Mr. Penn added, "That's what I call putting the horse before the cart! We've been doing it backwards for over 200 years and the ignorant American people will keep getting it wrong if they insist on electing Presidents who are uneducated, incurious, and have no knowledge of the thespian arts."
Asked about how he will deal with the fact that he now essentially has two fathers, Mr. Penn replied, "I think it's great; everyone should have two dads, or, two moms for that matter." These comments instantly won him praise from the non-partisan group, Gay and Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD).
Sean Penn = Jimmy Carter’s butt buddy.
LOL! Very funny!
Wow, he’s got a serious Hitler look in that photo.
Its high time someone started posting the People’s Cube here.
Trying to impress the Mullahs no doubt.
Sean just knows that being stridently anti-American keeps one on the Hollywood “A” list. And he plays that game quite well. That and a humongus ego.
I am fascinated at how such credence in given to Hollywood types in matters that are far removed from the silver screen. Most of these idiots would still be waiting tables if not for a lucky break or a studio couch. Since when should their take on the political situation mean any more than a plumbers, a mechanics, or any other hard working person? These people are so full of themselves than it’s enough to make one physically ill.
It’s something that may make you laugh, although it didn’t me. :’)