Skip to comments.****The Official Friday Silliness Thread****
Posted on 06/06/2008 5:37:22 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
The Official Friday Silliness Thread
BOW CHICKA BOW BOW
Monty Python Mattress Skit:
Monty Python Meat Sketch:
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.
He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he’d never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.
He was jubilant.
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!’
‘For the rest of her life she will require ‘round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver forever!’
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just fooling with you. She’s dead. What’d you catch?’.
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified — an American, a Russian, an Australian, and a Mexican.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers would determine who among them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know?’
Steve, the American, replied, ‘A THOUGHT. It comes without any warning; it just pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that I know..’
‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer.
‘And now you sir?’ he asked Vladimir, the Russian. ‘Hmm.... let me see.
blink! It comes and goes without you knowing that it ever happens. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.’ ‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer.
‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed’
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the barn comes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.’ The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Mexican, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, ‘Pues Apter herring da 3 preybeus ansers sir, et’s obeus to me dat the fastest ting is Diarrhea.’
‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were giggling in their seats...’Oh, I can espleyn sir,’ said Eleuterio.
sir, da ader day my istumach was peeling Bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but bepore I could TINK, BLINK, or TURN ON DE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi shet in my pants!’
Eleuterio is now the new ‘Greeter’ at Wal-Mart.
An old man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When
he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘We’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned and replied, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket
up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
Drink ‘em both up, of course!
One of the funniest series of commercials ever. Sorry Californians, this fun is poked at you....
IF ANYONE NEEDS A COUNTY FAIR - ITS LA
Wool comes from Cows
Every child knows that Cows give us non fat, half calf mocha cappuccinos
And cotton candy. Is it Vegan?
Well, I’m making page one anyhow....too much crap to attend to today to feel very motivated. Humbug!
An amazing thing happened to me this morning.
I was riding on the interstate in the second-from-the-left lane. I never cruise in the far left lane because I am not MENTALLY RETARDED. So I was riding along and the car in front of me was going kinda slower than me so I moved over to the far left lane to go past him. Well, by the time I went past him, I already had a car coming up behing me, so I switched lanes back into the second-from-the-left-lane.
An amazing thing happened.
Traffic flowed. See how that worked? It was amazing..... Nobody had to wait on anybody and nobody was inconvenienced because of the stupidity of some driver thats completely oblivious to whats going on around him and never ever looks in the rear view mirror to see that loooooong line of cars behind him.
If there is a loooooong line of cars behind you...guess what....YOU ARE GOING TOO SLOW!! PUT DOWN THAT GIANT JELLY DOUGHNUT AND GET OFF THE PHONE!! LOOK AROUND YOU. SEE ALL THOSE PEOPLE?? THEY LIKE GOING HOME. THEY ENJOY BEING HOME. THEY DON’T LIKE SPENDING ALL DAY BEHIND YOU. SOME PEOPLE HAVE PLACES TO GO. JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE 4 HOURS TO DRIVE TWO MILES TO THE DAIRY QUEEN TO GET ANOTHER CHOCOLATE FUDGE COVERED CHEESEBURGER (whats that...five today) THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT OTHER PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A LIFE AND CHOOSE NOT TO SPEND HALF OF IT ON THE ROAD BEHIND YOU!!!!!
And by the way... its OK to accelerate. Your engine is not going to fall out if you accelerate faster than 5 mph every two minutes. When the light turns green, you don’t have to wait until the car in front of you is 1000 feet ahead before you decide to go. There are people behind you. They would like to get through the light too.
Hopefully, I'll get a week in at home before I have to go back out again....
I will continue my effort to recuce atmospheric carbonation..... There is a money source to be tapped
Beer drinkers should be required each year to purchase carbon credits to offset the atmospheric carbonation from each and every beer they drink.
To expand this thought, think carbonated beverages. Carbon is the root descriptive. Each and every Coke or Pepsi or Dew emits a substantial amount of atmospheric carbon. Some is direct as fizz and some is emitted as burps or belches. Every consumer of carbonated soft drinks must be required to purchase an annual carbon credit for the amount of estimated consumption. Any unused credits can be carried over or redemmed at the end of the year.
The severe magnitude of the carbon based beverage fizz has escaped notice but in the interest of fairness and carboniferous diversity, must be addressed. McCain being tied closely to the beer industry can be excused from his opposition, but there must be a pronouncement from Obama on his position on beer carbon emissions.
The Navy Invented Sex
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, ‘Well, we had Iwo Jima.’
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, ‘We had the Battle of Midway.
‘Not entirely true’, responded the Marine. ‘Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.’
The sailor responds, ‘Point taken.’
The Marine then says, ‘We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!’
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, ‘But we had John Paul Jones.’
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... ‘The Navy invented sex!’
The Marine replies, ‘That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.’
What, then? Are you not celebrating National Doughnut Day??
This is a joke reportedly told by Lord of the Rings author J.R.R. Tolkien:
“A young man wished to purchase a birthday gift for a lady friend. After much meditation and consideration he decided upon a pair of gloves as being appropriate. As his sister had some shopping to do, he accompanied her to a ladies wearing apparel shop.
While he was selecting the gloves, his sister made a purchase of a pair of ladies underwear for herself. In delivering the parcels that afternoon, by mistake the underwear were left at his sweetheart’s door with a note as follows:
Dear Velma: This little token is to remind you that I haven’t forgotten your birthday. I didn’t choose it because I thought that you needed them, or because you haven’t been in the habit of wearing them, or because we go out evenings. Had it not been for my sister I would have gotten long ones, but she says they are wearing the short ones - with one button.
They are a very delicate color, I know, but the lady clerk showed me a pair she had worn for three weeks, and they were scarcely soiled at all. How I wish I might put them on you for the first time! No doubt many other gentleman’s hands will touch them before I get a chance to see you again, but I hope you will think of me every time you put them on.
I had the lady clerk try them on and they looked very neat on her. I did not know the exact size, but I should be capable of judging nearer than anyone else. When you put them on for the first time put a little powder in them and they will slip on easier. When you remove them, blow in the them before laying them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Hoping that you will accept them in the same spirit in which they are given and that you will wear them to the dance Friday night,
P.S. Note the number of times I will kiss the back of them in the coming year! John”
You put the lime in the cocanut, you nut?
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.”
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
She said, “Well then, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.”
Are you sure? I got an email that said it was co-written by Mark Twain and George Carlin.
I refute your chart. The entire graph looks like Pacman when he has closed his mouth.
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was ‘Onestone’.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ‘If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone’.
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................
OH, Come on... take a guess!
Think about it...
(You’re going to love this!)
And the moral is...
You can’t kill two birds with one stone!!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.