Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
You can say that again.
Posted on 06/29/2008 12:05:02 PM PDT by Snurple
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal : 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, three committees to approve the change, and 11 to decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons : 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: - We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: - Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene : 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: - What's a light bulb?
I have been a Charismatic, Pentecostal and Baptist and I find this list very funny because there is a heaping dose of truth to it.
Very good!!
To prove light bulb jokes cross relgious lines:
Q: How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?
A: One to do it and two [minimum] to testify that it was properly changed.
A: We are not going to change anything unless the Halacha [jewish law] approves it.
Q: How many Conservative Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, call a committee meeting.
Q: How many Reform Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.
A: We don’t wan’t to change it! We just wan’t to improve it.
Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does, and one eventually to change the bulb.
Q: How many Reconstructionist jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to formulate a blessing to change the bulb and the other to change the bulb
Q. How many Lubabavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it never died.
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!
Q: How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Rambam teaches that he who does not know from outside the book, may not know at all. And since we mostly just study in Yeshiva, we may not know how exactly to change a lightbulb. Then again, we may, as it is surely written in the Bible. Surely then, if we spend a week studying the problem, we will find the answer. Or, Shabbes will come, and the Shabbes Goy will change it for us. Problem solved.
Q: How many rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Has not yet been determined. They are still searching for a Talmudic reference to light bulb.
Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends. One if it’s an eco-kosher bulb that isn’t going to be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called “The Jew in the Light Bulb.” Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
Q:How many Shlomo hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gehvalt, it’s mamash such a great opportunity to do t’shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitzchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.
Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.
Q: How many Messianic “jews” does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They will borrow their neighbor’s old bulb, rename it “yeshuvalit” and try to convince everyone else that it’s really a new bulb.
Q: How many cantors does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: One. But the congregation will not like the change.
A: One, but you cannot change it unless it is according to the synagogue’s minhag.
A: Don’t feel bad, but I feel it’s time to change it.
Q: How many religious jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: Maybe none, because Moshiach [the Messiah] may arrive before we change it and then we will not need to change it.
Q: How many secular jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: My grandmother, who lived in a Shtetl changed lightbulbs. Today, we call electricians to do it.
Q: How many judaica sellers does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: One, but it must be one of our new “Judaic Lightbulbs”.
-— and the best ——
Q: How many Jewish sons does it take to change a light bulb in their mother’s house:
A: None, dear. Don’t worry about me. I’m just fine in the dark.
How many Mossad agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Light bulb? There was no light bulb.
How many Shin Bet operatives does it take to change a light bulb?
We ask the questions around here.
Unitarians: “...all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.”
Would this be a good time to talk about the idiots who want to ban our light bulbs beginning in 2012?
bookmark
Thanks- I needed that
but what about how many Jews it takes? Have a Jewish friend and need one for her too!
Thanks! I REALLY needed that!
Sorry, I need to politely disagree with you about the communist version of stuff.
The communist version really works this way:
What’s my stuff is my stuff and what’s your stuff is my stuff!
That’s really how it works for them.
“How does it change many dyslexics to take a light blub?”
Just remember
righty tighty
lefty loosey
righty tighty
lefty loosey
righty tighty
lefty loosey
righty loosey
lefty tight
righty loosey
lefty tight
http://touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=20-05-017-v
Christopher Bailey reports the Minutes of the April Council Meeting at St. Barnabas Lutheran Church, Blandville
Lightbulbs and who is responsible for them figures in the meeting. Very funny.
You can say that again.
No, that’s thread hijacking.
[At the Obama mansion-]
Michelle: “D$%&n it, Barry — that bulb’s been burned out for days now!”
BHO: “I hope to change it in the near future, dear...”
That is exactly how the minutes for my homeowner’s association used to sound. There was a “split” in the board members, and they spent their time bickering among each other. It almost seemed like they would take opposite positions just to fight.
I used to wait for the newsletters every quarter, and would read it out loud to the family.
They were hysterical. Things like “Mr. A then asked if Mrs B had ever personally checked the records. Mrs. B stated that was not her position, and recommended Mr A do it when he could find the time.”.
A couple of years ago the homeowners got fed up and threw a whole bunch of them out. Things have improved here, but the newsletters got much more boring. In a way, I was sort of sad.
LOL! Especially the last one, which was the only one I really understood.
We’ve probably all belonged to organizations where that is the case. We had the carport nazis at our old condo in Atl. They rhode through the cul de sac very slowly twice a day inspecting everyone’s carport. Offenders were reported and received threatening letters if carport compliancwe was not immediate. I was so glad to get out of there.
A visible trike could get you a letter.
How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four.
One to say opening prayer.
One to switch the bulbs.
One to say closing prayer.
One to serve refreshments.
RFOL
So much for “equally valid paths to luminescence.”
I’m being repressed. (This seems like an appropriate thread for quoting Monty Python.)
Yes. And have you paid your repression fee yet?
I like lightbulb jokes.
With some exceptions for nasty versions (black and some polish come to mind), lightbulb jokes are pretty much the only remaining “polite” ethnic joke, generally authored by the group itself, and they cut fairly across all groups.
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