Late last week, as the Republican National Convention neared, a telephone rang in Norfolk...
"Hello?"
"Is this (pause) Mr. Leech?"
"Uh, it's 'Lease,' actually. And I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in a new credit card, an extension on my auto warranty, a mausoleum crypt or a - "
"Oh, no, sir. I'm not a telemarketer. I'm calling you today on behalf of John McCain's Blue-Ribbon Vice Presidential Search Committee."
"Sorry, but I'm not interested in making a donation."
"I'm not calling you for a contribution, Mr. Leech. I'm calling to test your interest in serving as Sen. McCain's running mate."
"Pardon?"
"You heard me correctly, sir. The senator, as you undoubtedly know, is a maverick, and he's looking for a fresh face to serve beside him in Washington."
"You're making random calls to people in the telephone book, aren't you?"
"Actually, it's a bit more complicated than that, Mr. Leech. We're cross-checking the telephone directory against a list of people who've previously held public office."
"But I've never held public office."
"You're too modest. Alternate senior class rep from your homeroom, 1980-81? Does that ring a bell?"
"Not so much."
"Perhaps this will refresh your memory: You nominated 'black and white' as the official decorative colors for your senior prom. A dull yet maverick move, I'd say. Is it coming back to you now?" the caller continued.
"Vaguely. But I don't see how - "
"Sir, Sen. McCain is thinking very out-of-the-box on this one."
"You know, when I hear the words 'out of the box,' my first thought is that somebody ought to put a lid on it."
"Very maverick, Mr. Leech! Now, just a few brief questions. A vetting, if you will. Do you believe in so-called global warming?"
"Yes. I and a lot of so-called polar bears."
"I see. Perhaps we can work around that. Next question: Do you believe you are descended from apes?"
"I believe in evolution, if that's what you mean. And I don't see why evolution and the biblical story of creation are mutually exclusive."
"That's too bad, really. It doesn't appear you're fit to serve as - "
"Look, this is ridiculous. You don't to have resort to the phone book. There must be hundreds or thousands of people in this country who are qualified to be a heartbeat away from the presidency. What about current and former members of the U.S. Senate? The House of Representatives?"
"Mavericks, Mr. Leech. We need mavericks."
"Well, you also need someone with name recognition. Look, I just moved from Florida. What about former Gov. Jeb Bush?"
"You might say he has a bit too much name recognition."
"OK, so who's on your short list of random telephone numbers? Any favorites so far?"
"Just between us?"
"Sure."
"Sarah Palin."
"Monty Python's Flying Circus?"
"No. Not Michael Palin! Sarah Palin."
"Oh. That's too bad. The campaign theme could be, 'And now for something completely different.' "
"Sarah Palin has been governor of Alaska for the past two years. Former mayor of Wasilla, population 6,715. "
"Salute!"
"She's experienced, sir. I'll have you know she took on Ted Stevens and his Bridge to Nowhere."
"She and every American taxpayer who ever heard of Stevens and his Bridge to Nowhere. Taking on that reprobate doesn't make her a maverick."
(Pause.)
"Did I mention she eats mooseburger?"
"You have me there, fellow."
"Sen. McCain met Gov. Palin six months ago and has spoken to her on the phone once since then. He's very impressed."
"Two conversations? Good to know he's being exhaustive about this."
"I'm afraid you've failed our intensive vetting process, Mr. Leech. Better luck next time."
"No problem. Feel free to give me a call if things go well in November. Maybe I can help you flip through the Yellow Pages and find a lawyer when there's an opening on the Supreme Court."
Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. Reach him at (757) 446-2441 or daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.