Posted on 10/10/2008 7:52:48 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Little Amy confided to her uncle, “When I grow up I’m going to marry the boy next door.”
“Why is that?”
“Cause I’m not allowed to cross the road.”
In before the ping?
Damn.
whew... confirmation at last! I was beginning to think it was still Thursday.
I work in a building full of people in the financial industry. They can’t wait until 4 pm so they can start on a three day drinking binge.
WOO-HOO!
In the First 10?
Checkin’ in!
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”).
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
BO lecturing us for 4-8 years???????
Mark Twain
Mpg
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Americans drink, on the average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
A stock broker to another “I don’t think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time.”
“You’re right” he replied “My whole life all I’ve done is lose money”.
Next day he comes to work and resigns.
His co-worker asks “What are you going to do with your life.”
“I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time.”
“How?” asks the co-worker.
“I am going to build a web page and take it public.”
Hey! Where did you get that photo from my wedding reception?
For many years, a young stock broker at Big Street Investments would plan a yearly weekend getaway at a mountain inn.
He would rendevous with the innkeeper’s daughter while he was there.
Looking forward to this years trip he departed with his suitcases in hand. When he arrived at the inn he made his way up the stairs to his usual meeting room. The door was open and he walked in glancing at the innkeeper’s daughter sitting on the bed.
There she sat with an infant on her lap!
“Who is that?” he asked.
“It’s your son” she answred.
“Why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a stock broker.”
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”
The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!”
ha ha! Thank for the laughs!
I’m in for all the silliness I can possibly handle. Hey, that’s just the kind of person I am......
Thank goodness for this thread! I need it this week.
That is an excellent CD.
You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You can live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'Y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'
AND You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5 Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer’s house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, ‘I’m humble, I will sleep in the barn.’ So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It’s the Hindu and he says, ‘There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.’
So, the Rabbi says, ‘I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.’ A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it’s the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.
It’s the pig and the cow...
Ten years after retiring from a 20-year navy career I now realize.......
That a wasted youth is better by far than a wise and productive old age.
A successful stockbroker parked his brand-new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver’s side. The stockbroker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the stockbroker started screaming hysterically. His Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined. When the stockbroker finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can not believe how materialistic you stock brokers are,” the cop said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.” “How can you say such a thing?” asked the stockbroker. The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.” “My God!” screamed the stockbroker. “My Rolex!”
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said,”Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said,”How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said,”How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said,”How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said,”Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said,”We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.” So they laid off the night watchman.
How would you pronounce this child's name: 'Le-a' ???
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
It's pronounced 'Ledasha.' Oh yes...you read it right.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce it correctly.
When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said 'the dash don't be silent
YOU SUCK
That got me ;)
Michigan J Frog!
Livingston Parish is the butt of many jokes in my native Louisiana and for good reason as this one shows.
However, in next door East Baton Rouge Parish a number of years ago, a woman gave birth at Baton Rouge General Hospital. She wanted to give her child an important sounding name and decided to pick something from her chart, to which at that time patients had access. On the birth certificate, she wrote “Wasserman Positive Illigitimate Jones.” True story, told to me my a friend who was a nurse at the hospital.
Meatloaf rocks! Still. LOL
The son returns from school, a graduate. He looks at his father's stand and says, "Dad, There is a recessession coming. You need to save money by not putting some much onions and mustard on the hot dogs. Can you get cheaper buns?"
The Dad, knowing that junior is a smart college graduate makes some changes. However, his business goes way day and he ends up bankrupt.
"You're right son, there is a recession. Thanks for warning me."
Oh yes extremely therapeutic!
Makes me laugh just thinking how many people I am going to send this to!
(Must be from the midwest since I ended my sentence with a preposition!)
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO —Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO— Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW— The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who
bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked
up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
Sorry! I was trying to post a cute picture but it didn’t work. Shucks!
bkmk
I think I’m a Hummer.
Q: What does Wall Street and the Olympics have in common?
A: synchronized diving
VITAL RECORDS - FORT BEND COUNTY, TX - BIRTH 1991
Information in this database comes from the Texas Department of Health.
ROBINSON, ROYIARA LEDASHA, born 18-May-1991
Stock Market Terms for the Busy Investor
[The decline of stock markets around the world has redefined the investment environment. To reflect these changes, here is a glossary of the most-used terms and their new definitions...]
Bear Market: A six-to-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
Broker: Poorer than you were in 1999.
Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
"Buy, buy": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Cashflow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Cisco: Sidekick of Poncho.
Day Traitor: Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Institutional Investor: Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
Microsoft: A condition temporarily remedied by Viagra.
Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.
Profit: Religious guy who talks to God.
Standard & Poor: Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
Windows Vista: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 a share.
Yahoo!: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 a share.
I guess you have to have the sound on to get the full affect.
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