Skip to comments.Divorce Agreement
Posted on 03/19/2009 1:21:39 PM PDT by GT Vander
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum-Ba-Ya", or "We Are the World".
We'll practice trickle-down economics, and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.
They will be happy to grant a divorce on the condition of alimony equal to 40% of your income or more, for the rest of your life. If you die rich, they want about half of your estate. You can appeal the settlement to judges Barney Frank or Charlie Rangel.
Secession. It’s time to give it another try.
[Secession. Its time to give it another try.]
If at first you don’t succeed...
It’s kind of like the commiecrats say about their socialist agenda - it just hasn’t been tried by the right people. We ARE the RIGHT people to succeed at secceeding.
And we’re keeping Texas. We came into the marriage with it and we’re taking it with us when we go.
p.s. They can keep the IRS.
“Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.”
No. Any such agreement will only be friendly on the surface. Do this and the “American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al” will have a solid geographic base from which to infiltrate and undermine the “conservative” landmass till they can take it over too, either covertly or overtly.
After all, why would they think Conservatives would fight any harder or better for what they’d have left than they did for the whole country?
Outstanding! Where do I sign?
The only quibble I has was calling healthcare a “luxury”. It is a need, like food, shelter and clothing, but not a “right”.
Or is Obama the right person to fail at holding anything bigger than a socialist rally together?
Before the election, I suggested a fantasy, that the election would cause a permanent, cosmic split of the Earth into two distinct worlds, forever apart. One world would be called “Rightworld” and the other “Leftworld”.
Sort of a Rapture-like event, but with most Republicans and conservatives going to one world, and the Democrats, liberals, and other leftists going to the other world. And there, both sides would live with, and experience their beliefs.
Importantly, not their desires or outcomes, but what they believed. So, for example, “Leftworld” would experience man made global warming, but “Rightworld” would not. Because they left believes in MMGW, even if they don’t want it. If they wanted NHS style universal health care, for which they endlessly argue, they would get it. In spades.
This makes for a fascinating thought problem. What would the two worlds be like?
But I made an interesting discovery. Liberal Democrats and other leftists were *horrified* with the idea! They did not want to have to live with their decisions AT ALL. The light dawned for them that a world based on what they believed would be awful, horrible, nasty.
They were very scared of the idea of living in a world not maintained and improved by Republicans and conservatives. They were not under any illusion that a world completely run by Democrats and liberals and the left would be a good place. In fact, it was evident to them that it would SUCK. They want to criticize and tear down, not build and uplift.
Conservatives who read the thought problem, however, had no such reservations. They easily embraced the idea that a world without liberal Democrats and other leftists would be a much better place. They saw longstanding problems being solved overnight, people being happier, healthier, and prosperous. Generous, ambitious and creative. A real paradise.
And all because they were freed of the dead weight, the millstone, the stupid and mean spirited ideas and efforts of the left. A world devoid of self-hatred, nagging insufferability, endless petty argument and vindictiveness.
Conservatives were idealistic about it at all. They knew that Rightworld would have its share of problems. But they also knew that in a world of conservatives, good people can and would work together to make the world a better place.
No, no, no. They get NBC and ABC and CBS and CNN, and PBS and NPR too. We'll keep FOXNews and talk radio.
Sorry but this is one of those, “Till death do us part” situations.