Posted on 04/02/2009 1:47:20 AM PDT by chasio649
"Oh my God! How stupid could I have been when I was in my twenties and thirties for believing that those people liked me because of who I am? They just liked the fact that my tits were at attention and that I seemed to be adoring of them."
--Alfre Woodard
*The college experience can be a wonderful thing. As my fraternity's song goes: "College days swiftly pass, imbued with memories fond, and their recollection slowly fades away."
One of the most beautiful things about the experience is the socializing. In a manufactured environment, young men and women begin to explore sex, love and dating.
As a teenager, you are socializing with people from the late teens to early twenties, giving the impression that dating will always be easy.
But once the college experience is over and the real world comes into focus, things begin to change drastically.
It's a simple deduction, really. If things are difficult in your twenties, they will not magically ease up when you enter your thirties or forties.
Let's examine some of the reasons why marriage is easier when young people pursue it, even though that does not appear to be the case.
In our twenties, we are still searching for our place in the world. Our principles, dreams and outlook on the world are pliable. If we create a partnership with someone while still in our twenties, the likelihood is that we will grow into each other as we grow into ourselves.
In our thirties and forties, we have more concrete ideas that are more difficult to merge with someone else's. We have habits and likes and dislikes and we want to hold fast to them. As we get older, the likelihood is that we will hold stronger to what we have learned, making it more difficult to find someone to merge lives with.
Two weeks ago, I ran into Lynette, a now-forty-something woman who was once the object of my teen desires. In college, I used to sneak in the girl's dorm to leave love poems in front of her room. She found out that I was her secret poet admirer and we began to spend a great deal of time together.
We discussed politics, religion and love. She confessed her love for me and even made love to me, but summarily dismissed my overtures toward a relationship.
My seventeen years of living were just not enough for her, even though, at that time, they seemed like plenty to me.
At twenty-five years of age, Lynette was focused on finishing graduate school and starting her career. She planned to put marriage off until at least thirty-five.
We ran into each other while she was in her thirties, but she was still placing her career ahead of everything and didn't want to pursue a serious relationship until after forty.
Lynette maintained those plans and while she now has a successful career, she learned that the abundant dating choices began to wither away as she passed thirty-five years of age. She inquired as to my availability, but alas, as is the case with many men over the age of thirty, I am not as open to women over thirty-five as I am to younger women.
It's not that I haven't tried dating women over thirty-five or even over forty, but there are some specific details that make it more difficult for older women.
First, the older a woman gets, the less likely it is that she will still be able to or even desire to bear children. Weird science notwithstanding, the older a woman is, the more complications can take place. Even if she has children already, she may not desire any more.
Second, the closer a woman gets to forty, the chances increase that she has had a series of unsuccessful relationships, diminishing her outlook on relationships and on men.
Third, two people who are seasoned in the world should be able to walk into the sunset years with grace and peace. Yet, as contemporary men and women grow beyond the age of forty, they find the gender gap widening.
Being over thirty and single can be difficult for men and infinitely more challenging for women. Even though God makes more girls than boys, there are more boys getting married, leaving less available marriage prospects for the girls as we grow older.
But there are some men who are still unmarried well into their thirties.
And no matter how much the media tries to make “cougars” a popular phenomenon, it is still rare that a younger man actually marries a substantially older woman.
America values youth and that goes right along into selection of mates.
While the nation’s culture labels maturing men as more palatable, many older women (particularly African American women) age gracefully and still “have it” well beyond forty.
Perhaps it is more about perception than reality.
But some of the perceptions actually come from women.
For example, if a woman is dating in her twenties and thirties without pursuing a relationship, she may be placing her physicality forward, “playing the field” as men allegedly do, obfuscating her inner beauty—the qualities most desired by potential suitors. She may also be telling the men she dates that she does not want or need a man and that she does not want or need a relationship.
No one can learn you or love you for you if you are avoiding commitments while complaining that no one will commit.
What is left?
In this case, as Alfre Woodard so succinctly put it, the focus is completely on her physicality. This means that when the physicality diminishes, her value, so to speak, also diminishes.
The woman under thirty increases her chances at success by dating older men.
The men her age are likely less mature, still pursuing career goals over starting a family and accordingly, unprepared for marriage and commitment when the younger woman is ready. Dating older men will increase the likelihood that the relationship will lead to marriage, while decreasing the chances of being in a relationship based mostly on sex and fun with no clear direction.
Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but as long as the world has been round, older men have pursued younger women, with whom they imagine that every day is Valentine's Day and every night is New Year's Eve. For many older men, older women appear to be in the winter of their discontent.
So, what's an older lady to do?
Dating is a complicated venture and difficult to launch properly. In my book, my syndicated column and in my lectures, my most salient piece of advice is to step outside of your comfort zone. If the world is changing, you must change with it.
One solution for single women is to be unafraid of initiating contact. If fewer men are approaching you, the odds can still be increased in your favor by simply saying "hello," or at least smiling. And older gentleman may be recently divorced and after being out of the game for a while, just may not be interested in approaching every woman he sees.
If you are in a city where the pickings of single men in your age range are slim, perhaps you should be open to dating outside of your area. We've heard that long distance relationships rarely work, but that typically refers to younger people who have a hard time remaining focused.
Older women should also be open to sharing the burdens and responsibilities of dating. If there are fewer gentlemen offering to wine and dine you, perhaps you should demonstrate that you are willing to be a partner instead of another line item in his budget. An older man is probably taking his finances more seriously in preparation for the twilight years, and dropping hefty sums of cash on dates that may prove to be unproductive just doesn’t occur that often.
And, finally, the same formula for younger women applies to older women: Date older men. For every forty-ish woman who can not find suitable mates in her age range, there are older gentlemen who would delight in the pleasure of wooing a younger woman, treasuring her maturity, while finding value in her relative youth, when compared to his own age.
The reality is that May/December romances traditionally work well even when both parties are close to December.
Of course, there are older women who are beautiful inside and out and still catch the attention of men in a wide age range--below and above their own.
Overall, for the woman over thirty, the advice is simple: Remain positive and remain open. Just as you are looking for that one man who will love you and respect you the way you need to be loved and respected, there are plenty of good and decent men who are looking for the same thing.
You just have to be in the right place, the right frame of mind and be available.
Wow, this is an impressive article.
I didn’t expect it to be this good.
Brutally honest and true.
I saw a comic strip once of a woman in a power suit (this was in 1990 or so) and she was VP of some major corporation and it was listing off her accomplishments and she said “OH NO!! I forgot to have children!!!”
But take love where you can get it. If you aren’t looking to have a bunch of kids, older women can be better than younger because younger women tend to be whinier, clingier and needier.
There are men and women in their millions who do not hold that materialistic view. The attitude is " love 'em all, the short, the fat and the tall."
Not that this view is acted out in sexual behaviors,but it is the genuine view in which authentically meaningful relationships between human beings can occur, and it is a view which is essentially conservative, non materialistic.
The leftists of American society are essentially materialists. To them the physical attributes of a woman are everything. This approach is inhuman,objectifying and tragically exploitative in relationships.If not transcended, such relationships lead to confusion and eventually personal disaster in the absence of love.
So this article is essentially very revealing in that it shows how materialism interferes with human relationships. Love happens like a storm, and no strategizing, planning or postponement is possible in the face of it. What prevents it is simply this materialist view which has stranded several generations of Americans on islands of loneliness and barren landscapes where there are no children or continuity of family born of love.
Love 'em all. And you are sure to be rewarded beyond your wildest imaginings.
This article simply is a lot of materialist hooey, more worthy of lefties who feel that abortion is a possible necessity to control ones strategic life's plan in a materialist way.
If a woman does not want to marry until after forty and makes that plan her life, then she can still find a wonderful mate, if she has the appropriate view . Its never too early, or too late if one has a non-materialist approach,for it is then that genuine love becomes possible.
Desperation does strange things to people in the world of materialism.It causes an immense amount of suffering, including millions of murdered and unborn children, and humans tragically become little more than temporary receptacles for each others passion. If that's what you see, that's what you get.Try to see beyond that.
So much for my first and last "Anne Landers" posting to FR.LOL.
My wife is older than me....by a few years...we are pretty happy.
“then she can still find a wonderful mate, if she has the appropriate view”
That is true in a sense...one thing that i have found is that most men are not attracted to a woman because of her career or her bank account...it may be important to her but he could usually care less.
My great relationship is a little older (by years) than me also, but this is a fine article.
Fundamental truths of humans and nature can’t change because of our personal girlfriends or wives.
Fundamental truths of humans and nature can’t change because of our personal girlfriends or wives.
Yep...i think that is what the writer is saying...in a nice way...i post these kinds of articles on FR sometimes because i enjoy different people’s perspectives on relationships....i’m happily married but i can still learn something ;)
It is a very good article, you chose well, there is wisdom and timelessness in it.
People who fall in love don't care about any of those considerations , they just work together so they can be together, and adjust accordingly.
My advice to older women would be the same as Earl Weaver’s to Alice Sweet from Norfolk.
"After thirty, a man wakes up sad every morning, excepting perhaps five or six, until the day of his death".
Thank You for an interesting article.
I’ve been married 41 yrs to the same guy. My interest in this article is a 30 yr old son,, unmarried,, and Momma is getting nervous.
Bump for later
Every time I’ve dated a woman over thirty, she has so much baggage, and has been burned enough times, that all it takes is ONE bad hair day for her to start taking it out on me.
Women NEVER FORGET and they WILL HOLD A GRUDGE FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
Hey, lady, ain’t my fault you had 3 kids with two different guys, both of whom left you!
Didn’t find the true love of my life until I was 44...and we have the best marriage. Surprised the heck out of me cause at that age, I never expected to get married. Best thing I ever did, and honestly was worth waiting for.
Very true, but wait until she is my age! Old women are virtually invisible.
For that matter, so are old men.
Wow. Is your disrespect for women limited to those over 40, or do you have the same ugly attitude towards ALL women?
"Alice Sweet oughta be worried about [deleted], rather than where her next [expletive] tomato plant is coming from. Get her ... in the [expletive] bars at night, and ... "
Earl always had a way with words.... Like
I gave Mike Cuellar more chances than my ex-wife.
I’ll bet I’m older than you (I’m 62), and, frankly, I’m at the place where it’s okay being invisible. I had my years of being looked at by boys and men as I’m sure you did as well. I was married at 18 and with the same husband for 44 yrs. now, faithfully, and not looking for a man anyway (nor do I think I would be under any circumstance at this point).
Sometimes women have to “create” opportunities for men to notice and chase them. Sometimes it requires, metaphorically, sticking their foot out and tripping a guy to get noticed. I am amazed at our society today concerning just general saying of hello, good morning and so forth. I go exercising at a big park near me and I notice that the morning crowd are always friendly and return hellos and nods, but the afternoon or evening crowds just outright ignore you. That especially true of the women that I pass. Men seem to be more open to just the little things of saying hello to strangers.
“I’ll bet I’m older than you...” Nope ( -;
I love being an invisible crank. However, I do have to make lots of noise to be seen when something critical occurs. I had the displeasure of being in DC January, February and part of March and will return next week on family business. I was amused to see how people’s eyes would slide right over me as though I was not there when speaking in a group.
Now, at one time, I was loud, pushy and very very strong, nothing to be dismissed, and I wasn’t.
There’s a bit of a chagrin moment each time my Superhero invisibility occurs and it occurs more and more lately without my knowledge!
“...perhaps you should demonstrate that you are willing to be a partner instead of another line item in his budget.”
Nice article. I found this line to be especially applicable to me! Thanks for the self depricating laugh.
;-)
It's the ego that holds the grudge. If a person can't transcend the ego (and this is very apparent even at the first meeting) then he or she isn't relationship material.
The biggest relationship problems men create for themselves come from making dumb choices based on physical appearances and not cutting their losses early.
That is a nice comment, and really is true.
My voice just does not carry and never has. My circumstances in life have been more conducive to humility (I hope) than I might have chosen in the flesh. I’ve got to where I just basically shut up and let the overbearing loudmouths overbear in peace rather than to open my mouth and get a tongue lashing (prevalent in my husband’s family). Things change over time, and I just pray a bit more now and enjoy my home and my own company more than being around overbearing people a minute more than I have to.
I attended a church where the majority of the women monopolized every conversation and it was exhausting. I don’t go there now; and it made me even more aware of my own tendency to talk too much.
You’re welcome! Thanks all for your posts.
Young gals quit noticing me a few years ago...i am the invisible man shuffling through Walmart ;)
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