Skip to comments.Why I Had to Stay Up Half the Night Watching 'G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra'
Posted on 08/07/2009 1:07:48 PM PDT by OldDeckHand
Paramount was so worried the critics would hate G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobraand with good reason, it's awfulthat they decided not to screen it for anybody. Just one problem: the first showing was at 12:01 a.m. on Friday, which means I have all night to tell you how bad it is. Bad. Bad. Bad. It's excruciatingly bad. Gigli bad. How bad are we talking? I chronicled my night:
11:40 p.m.: I arrive to the theater, a little sleepy and slightly giddy that the movie could be so bad that it's good. I ask the older couple on the escalator behind if they're here to see G.I. Joe. No! It's got to be bad, they say, because it wasn't even screened for the critics. They're here to see Meryl Streep as Julia Child.
12:01 a.m.: Showtime. Except not really. I was expecting crowds and G.I. toys and maybe even a few people chanting "All-American Hero" (yes, I was a G.I. Joe groupie back in the day). But the theater is half empty and a woman down the aisle from me is picking her nose.
12:09 a.m.: Trailers. First bad omen: the movies previewed before G.I. Joe include a very bad John Travolta movie and a very bad M. Night Shyamalan movie. Although, in retrospect, neither of them could possibly be as bad as G.I. Joe.
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I was hoping it wouldn’t be too craptacular.
Maybe I’ll just wait for a pirate version consisting only of scenes of The Baroness walkign around.
Worst movie ever?
No, they have to sit through “Manos, the Hands of Fate” before they can say that.
Obama Joe. I hope it tanks (pun intended) badly.
I see Razzies in this movie’s future.
And just how desperately bored would you have to be to see that?
If you're a director or producer and you see the word "Gigli" in one of the first published reviews of your movie, you're probably going to be looking for a tall tree and a short rope.
RE: Your reference to the “preview” of the new Travolta movie. Don’t be so quick to judge. Don’t sell Travolta short. His movie could be WAY worse than this one.
throw in “Joe vs. Volcano” also.
12:20 a.m through 2:08 a.m - from start of movie to finish.
That’s exactly one hour and forty-eight minutes of your life you can never get back!
That was one of the funniest movie reviews I’ve ever read,
I’ve only known two people who liked The Mummy, both of them were mildly retarded. I’m sure they’ll go crazy for this pap too.
Somehow what has happened to ‘GI Joe’ over the years tragically mirrors the slow change in our nation’s character and priorities over the years since WW2. The phrase ‘GI Joe’ became part of the American lexicon as referring to an average soldier, probably the son of a farmer or a shopkeeper or a factory worker. He didn’t have any special title; however, together with a few million others just like him, he went about saving the world through his courage, honor, and self-sacrifice.
Somehow GI Joe’s weapons became high tech and he morphed into a member of an elite top-secret special unit with unlimited resources that answers to no one, and does whatever is necessary to win.
“...You’re on the wrong side of the riiiveeer.”
Loved The Mummy
“To Wan Fu with love, Julie Numar” I hate that movie so much I didnt look up how to spell it.
Worst movie ever?
Has this guy never viewed Fireball 500?
Liked “The Mummy” but Sommers hasn’t done ANYTHING worth watching since. The sequels and “the Scorpion King” were all horrible and this unwatchable GI Joe might be the last nail in the coffin of Sommers’ career.
I saw part of that movie once. There were a lot of malevolent bugs. I don't know why.
All “The Mummy” movies are popular at my house. But then the kid has just turned 17 this year and those are ‘his’ movies.
11:40p.m.: I arrive to the theater, a little sleepy and slightly giddy that the movie could be so bad that it's good.ONE MINUTE INTO THE MOVIE, he demonstrates that he's not even paying attention to what's happening on-screen, because the introductory scene sets up both the villain's background, modus operandi, and affectation for iron masks....
12:20 a.m.: OK, at last the movie is about to start. Oh. It's presented by Hasbro.
12:21 a.m. France, 1641....I should add this scene has no relevance at all to anything that follows.
I’ll be taking the 10 year old to see GI Joe this weekend.
Hey, just the two of us, the big screen, a large very buttered popcorn, large drink to split (two straws) and twizzlers.
She watches the previews - “Me & sis movie” “Me and Grammy” “Me & Mommy” “That’s a Me & You movie, Daddy”.
The Director already said last week that this film isn’t for Republicans to watch...that it takes place in an Obama world.
He can keep this crap and shove it.
Nope, “Speed 2”, now there was two hours of my life I’ll never get back.
That was worse that Robot Jox?
That was worse that Robot Jox?
re: your tagline - “Ditto!”
Transformers 2 does, too. For those who care, in the new movie "G.I.Joe" is no longer an American military force but a NATO-like international team, where America is just one of the guiding players.
The home base for the movie's good guys is in Egypt. The chief bad guys are European. Just think about the political and religious implications behind that one detail.
I’ve seens parts of that, it’s a masterpiece compared to “Manos”. Manos may not even be a movie, just an abomination made to torture the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 guys.
Where is Ishtar on this list?
Every M. Night Shaboobadoo movie is bad. The guy is so over rated its not even funny. He completely sucks but he is still getting rich making crap.
I have seen 'Manos'....it is hilarious horror! LOL!
Speaking of MST3K......'Santa Claus Conquers The Martians' has to be my vote for worst of the worst on their platform....
Saw it this morning. It was alright. It isn’t the worst movie I ever seen. And as far as raping childhoods go, it is faaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr behind Transformers 2 and Terminator: Salvation just from this summer.
As far as it no longer being an explicitly American team, that is really only brought up twice, when the Joes first meet Duke and Ripcord and then when Gen. Hawk explains who they are. Of the ones we follow for most of the movie, Duke, Ripcord and Scarlett are all American. Heavy Duty is English and Breaker is Morroccan. Snake Eyes, of course, is indeterminate.
I couldn’t agree more, actually. I find his movies insufferable. I remember early on, some critics comparing M. Night’s movies to......HITCHCOCK! AGHGHH!
Always good to look at the bright side there.
It must be a matter of taste. I really enjoyed Signs and a few of his other movies. Unbreakable was only ok, and I never saw The Village.
Sixth Sense was overrated.
The absolute worst movie of all time is “Raymie” released July 5, 1960. It is the standard by which all movies can be rated. It serves the function of absolute zero. Anything above absolute zero demonstrates at least some movement. It was not even “camp!” “Raymie” gave meaning to the term death.
Is it worse than the First Street Fighter Movie?
I knew it was going to be bad in previews I have seen in trailers plus on tv, and the moment I had heard they had deviated from the Real American Hero plot of the Pro-American 80’s tunes.
I hope GI Joe is remade someday (but with a decidedly less cheesy and decidedly more American plot-line-NO I haven’t seen it, but from the reviews I have read).
I wouldn’t mind if GI JOE is even re invented minus the cartoon/sci fi plot and get back to the GI JOE of my father (The Real American Hero) which fought in WW II, Korea, and Vietnam!
My post made it sound like my father fought in WWII, Korea and Vietname, not he did not, and wasn’t in a war, however he is former Army, and served in the 70’s-80’s!
Really, it's better than TS? I didn't see Transformers 2 (and don't plan to), but I did see TS and didn't think it was horrible. It wasn't great or even good, but was just average.
I don't think I'll see it because of the director's comments - plus the fact that my wife would me me reciprocate with a chick-flick, probably starring Matthew McConaughey. Considering I'm still in therapy trying to erase "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" from my memory, I'm not going to risk it.
Well, that sounds promising...
I loathed Terminator: Salvation. I thought GI Joe was pretty good in comparison. It was cheesy and full of CGI, but it had the big explosions I remember imagining when I played with the toys.
My kids love The Mummy movies.
I thought Ishtar was the worst movie ever?
Or was that Howard the Duck?
Ok, you asked for it. Manos is on youtube, here’s part 1:
If you don’t want to stab your eyes out after part 1, then here’s part 2:
Keep going until you see all 7 parts, you’ll regret it. LOL!
Hey Brett...don’t trash Manos..lol. I love the haunting Torgo theme and the “seduction” scene. To fully appreciate the beauty of Manos you have to see the MST3K treatment.
Ahh yes, the emotional impact of the Torgo seduction scene was epic! Kind of like a million worms crawling underneath your skin.
He even convinced her not to tell her husband, quite the charmer that Torgo. LOL!
ThE mAsTeR wOuLd NoT aPpRoVe...
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