Skip to comments.Why I Had to Stay Up Half the Night Watching 'G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra'
Posted on 08/07/2009 1:07:48 PM PDT by OldDeckHand
Paramount was so worried the critics would hate G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobraand with good reason, it's awfulthat they decided not to screen it for anybody. Just one problem: the first showing was at 12:01 a.m. on Friday, which means I have all night to tell you how bad it is. Bad. Bad. Bad. It's excruciatingly bad. Gigli bad. How bad are we talking? I chronicled my night:
11:40 p.m.: I arrive to the theater, a little sleepy and slightly giddy that the movie could be so bad that it's good. I ask the older couple on the escalator behind if they're here to see G.I. Joe. No! It's got to be bad, they say, because it wasn't even screened for the critics. They're here to see Meryl Streep as Julia Child.
12:01 a.m.: Showtime. Except not really. I was expecting crowds and G.I. toys and maybe even a few people chanting "All-American Hero" (yes, I was a G.I. Joe groupie back in the day). But the theater is half empty and a woman down the aisle from me is picking her nose.
12:09 a.m.: Trailers. First bad omen: the movies previewed before G.I. Joe include a very bad John Travolta movie and a very bad M. Night Shyamalan movie. Although, in retrospect, neither of them could possibly be as bad as G.I. Joe.
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I was hoping it wouldn’t be too craptacular.
Maybe I’ll just wait for a pirate version consisting only of scenes of The Baroness walkign around.
Worst movie ever?
No, they have to sit through “Manos, the Hands of Fate” before they can say that.
Obama Joe. I hope it tanks (pun intended) badly.
I see Razzies in this movie’s future.
And just how desperately bored would you have to be to see that?
If you're a director or producer and you see the word "Gigli" in one of the first published reviews of your movie, you're probably going to be looking for a tall tree and a short rope.
RE: Your reference to the “preview” of the new Travolta movie. Don’t be so quick to judge. Don’t sell Travolta short. His movie could be WAY worse than this one.
throw in “Joe vs. Volcano” also.
12:20 a.m through 2:08 a.m - from start of movie to finish.
That’s exactly one hour and forty-eight minutes of your life you can never get back!
That was one of the funniest movie reviews I’ve ever read,
I’ve only known two people who liked The Mummy, both of them were mildly retarded. I’m sure they’ll go crazy for this pap too.
Somehow what has happened to ‘GI Joe’ over the years tragically mirrors the slow change in our nation’s character and priorities over the years since WW2. The phrase ‘GI Joe’ became part of the American lexicon as referring to an average soldier, probably the son of a farmer or a shopkeeper or a factory worker. He didn’t have any special title; however, together with a few million others just like him, he went about saving the world through his courage, honor, and self-sacrifice.
Somehow GI Joe’s weapons became high tech and he morphed into a member of an elite top-secret special unit with unlimited resources that answers to no one, and does whatever is necessary to win.
“...You’re on the wrong side of the riiiveeer.”
Loved The Mummy
“To Wan Fu with love, Julie Numar” I hate that movie so much I didnt look up how to spell it.
Worst movie ever?
Has this guy never viewed Fireball 500?
Liked “The Mummy” but Sommers hasn’t done ANYTHING worth watching since. The sequels and “the Scorpion King” were all horrible and this unwatchable GI Joe might be the last nail in the coffin of Sommers’ career.
I saw part of that movie once. There were a lot of malevolent bugs. I don't know why.
All “The Mummy” movies are popular at my house. But then the kid has just turned 17 this year and those are ‘his’ movies.
11:40p.m.: I arrive to the theater, a little sleepy and slightly giddy that the movie could be so bad that it's good.ONE MINUTE INTO THE MOVIE, he demonstrates that he's not even paying attention to what's happening on-screen, because the introductory scene sets up both the villain's background, modus operandi, and affectation for iron masks....
12:20 a.m.: OK, at last the movie is about to start. Oh. It's presented by Hasbro.
12:21 a.m. France, 1641....I should add this scene has no relevance at all to anything that follows.