Posted on 09/04/2009 8:17:40 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Sept 4th is Newspaper Carrier Day
"I want my $2 dollars!!
Sept 5 is Be Late for Something Day
Or Cheese Pizza Day
Sept 6th is Fight Procrastination Day
Or Read a Book Day
And of course, Sept 7th is Labor Day
ENJOY!!!!
Ib4TP
I was gettin worried
Woooo!
IB4TP
Glad you’re open, it’s been a tough week.
ON with the silliness!
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMACARE
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you
enter the trailer park.”
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is “an apple a day..”
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED OBAMACARE:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape
IBTP! Thanks for hosting the thread again!
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’
Man: ‘That’s nice’
Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’
Man: ‘No, thanks.’
Boy: ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man: ‘OK, how much?’
Boy: ‘$250’
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: ‘Dark in here.’
Man: ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.’
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?’
Boy: ‘$750’
Man: ‘Sold.’
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, ‘Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.’
The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.’
The Dad asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Boy: ‘$1,000’
The Dad says, ‘That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that.....that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.’
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that sh*t again; you’re in my closet now.’
Howdy Doody!
I was trying to forget... ;P
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s
party..Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like
alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note
hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove,I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son,
what happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got
that black eye when you ran into the door.’
Confused, he asked his son,
‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’
His son replies,
‘Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!!’
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:
PRICELESS !
LOLOL!!!! Excellent! That’s a list you won’t see on Letterman!
Late because you were outside goofing around??
Glad you made it in!!
ROTFLMAO!!!!!
ouch
LOLOLOLOL! Now there’s a diamond in the rough!
To quote Pat Sumerall “That will make you cough”
Regards
alfa6 ;>}
Whew! Glad the silliness has arrived.
You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon. If it weren’t for bacon, we wouldn’t even know what a water chestnut is. “Thank you bacon. Sincerely, Water Chestnut III.
And bits of bacon, bits of bacon are like the fairy dust of the food community. “You don’t want this baked potato? Brrring! Now it’s your favorite part of the meal. Not interested in the salad? Bibbity bobbity BACON! I just turned it into an entree.
But once you put bacon in a salad, it’s no longer a salad. It just becomes a game of ‘find the bacon in the lettuce’. It’s like you’re panning for gold. Eureka!
There is something dishonest though about putting bacon in a salad - it’s kind of like smoking while you jog. “I want the BLT, but I’ll just get a salad with bacon and tomato. Can you put it between two pieces of toast and stick a toothpick through it? That’d be great.
- Jim Gaffigan
You know bacon’s bad when a healthier choice is a donut. And we’ve known bacon is bad for thousands of years. It’s literally a restriction on entering certain religious. “Our rules: No Killing, No Cheating on Your Wife, No Bacon.” “Oooh, what was that last one?” “No Bacon.” “Aaah, I’m in the wrong line..”
- Jim Gaffigan
Viking Kitties will be working through the weekend keeping us safe from trolls.
But it will be hard to get off the couch.
Your best friend or greatest enemy, I am your greatest companion. I am your greatest helper or your heaviest burden. I will push you onwards or drag you down to failure. I am completely at your command.
Half the things you do, you might as well turn over to me and I’ll do them quickly and correctly. I’m easily managed, but you must be firm with me. Show me exactly how you want something done and, after a few lessons, I’ll do it automatically. I’m the servant of all great men and, alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great. Those who are failures, I have made failures. I work with the precision of a scientist and the passion of a patriot. You many run me for profit or run me for ruin; it makes no difference to me. Take me, train me, be firm with me and I will put the world at your feet. But be easy with me and I’ll destroy you.
Who am I?
Our Church Secretary just got the weirdest phone call!
I have nothing else to contribute today so I give you this
Secretary: Forest Hills Baptist Church
Caller: Is this is Jewish Church?
Secretary: No, it is a Baptist church.
Caller: Oh. I hate Baptists. Sorry.
“Here, hold my beer and watch... ACK, OOOF!”
Ouch! Gonna sting a little :)
Thou art forgiven ;-)
ROTFLMAO!!
I’m in!!!!!
WOOHOO, silliness.
that Damn Squirrel!
And something tells me more that 4 beers were involved in that.
So, when I was late for work this morning, I was really just early for be late for something day? :)
Well?
Confucius Say...
Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.
Don’t eat the snow where the huskies go!
Support bacteria — it’s the only culture some people have!
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
A dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac stays up all night wondering if there is a dog...
Some quotes from that late great American philosopher, Rodney Dangerfield......
You can always tell my car, it’s always on a lift. I have the only car that has more miles on it vertically than horizontally.
I know my wife cheats on me. I bought a used car and found her dress in the back seat.
I decided to cut down on smoking, I only smoke after sex. I’ve had the same pack since 1999. I’m worried about my wife, she’s up to three packs a day.
Kids these days get pregnant from eating chicken. It’s finger-licking good and one thing leads to another.
Marry a woman who can cook. The sex will wear off but you’ll always be hungry.
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