Posted on 09/30/2009 10:37:04 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question..
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up... He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
_____
An elderly gentleman.....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
_____
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
_____
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
_____
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
_____
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
_____
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
_____
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
_____
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'
_____
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
_____
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
I figured a little silliness was in order....
Very needed, thanks for the humor.
Ladies in a Sauna
Three ladies in a sauna.
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly. ‘That was my pager,’ she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained, ‘that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.’
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said.........well, will you look at that....I’m getting a fax!!!
I’ll drink to that!
Mmmm mmmm mmmm - Barack Hussein Obama - Mmmm mmmm mmmm
Mmmm mmmm mmmm - Barack Hussein Obama - Mmmm mmmm mmmm
Mmmm mmmm mmmm - Barack Hussein Obama - Mmmm mmmm mmmm
Can’t post the joke. But here’s the punchline”
So Arthur said; “Eh! I’ll take the soup!”
So, what’s the difference between Barack Obama and Karl Marx?
Marx had a lot more experience!
Why doesn’t Obama tells jokes about himself?
That would be racist!
Reminds me of the one where the first old fella complained about constipation and incontinence.
The second bragged, "Not me - every morning about 5 I piss like a racehorse and around 6 I have a big ole greasy download......the only problem is that I don't get up until 7"
(Mmmm mmmm mmmm - Barack Hussein Obama - Mmmm mmmm mmmm)
These are kinda depressing.
and you were right, thanks for the jokes.
Thanks kid! ...since 2006 huh, I guess your not a teen any longer. ...legal even. hehe
LOL out loud.
That’s the winner so far.
You did? What, with this awesome weather??
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Who's there?
Kenya.
Kenya who?
Kenya show me your birth certificate?
From when I was a kid.....
You left the barn door open and the cow is about to get out.
Are you sorry for your sins?
Sins? I don't see any sins...
No? What kind of Catholic ARE you?
Catholic? I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish!
Then why are you telling me?
Father, I'm 92 years old, and I'm telling EVERYBODY!
Hey, I knew that someone’s been following me, but when did you install that camera and mic in my home? LOL
Thanks for the laughs.
Pinging my humor ping list - freepmail me if you want on or off this list.
(This is usually a low volume ping, as I don’t search for humor threads, but I do ping when I find something really funny.)
Add me to your ping list.....please?
True story, which told me I was getting old. I got up from my desk at work and headed down the hall. About halfway down the hall I stopped and for the life of me couldn’t remember where I was going. I went back to my desk and realized that I was going to go pee.
You’re getting old when you forget you have to pee!!!
Ping me please
Some of us need a laugh in the middle of the week. Thanks Handyoldone
From when I was a kid, “XYZ!”
meaning examine your zipper.
Now the problem is, you realize your zipper is down, and nobody has told you. How do you nonchalantly zip it up?
DONE - added to Humor Ping list.
DONE - added to Humor Ping list.
An old man and an old woman were sitting on the porch at the nursing home.
The old man turns to the old lady and says: “I bet you can’t tell how old I am.”
The lady says: “Sure I can, unzip your fly.”
So he unzips his fly, and she puts her hand in it and feels around for a minute. “She says: “You’re 84 years old.”
He says: “You’re right, how did you know?”
She says: “You told me yesterday!”
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?” “Ten,” the doctor says sadly. “Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!” The doctor interrupts, “Nine...”
_____
My new Doctor
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the
file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he
finished all 37 pages, he looked up at me.
“You look better in person than you do on paper.” he remarked.
_____
A Conservative discussion with a Liberal
I have noticed that many liberals are never willing to argue fact, history, cause & effect, logic or moral principals. They rely instead upon their pop culture, music videos, the statements of clueless Hollywood celebrities, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN, USA Today, New Your Times, People magazine, Rolling Stone magazine and Socialistic politicians to form their opinions.
In an effort to bridge this wide divide, I thought I would reduce a likely discussion to the form of an analogy of how Conservatives see things and how the Liberal Left sees things.
I kept it simple so that the Left would understand the valid point.
Liberal: My two year old Harley needs a new clutch pack so I got this chisel and hammer and I’m going to “rip it from the right” side tonight and then it’ll pull and shift great!
Conservative: Well, I happen to know that if you’re sitting on the bike, the clutch pack is on the left side of the newer Harleys.
L: You can’t tell me what to do, I do what I want and think what I want! George Bush sucked and I’m never going to listen to you! As I sit on the bike, my clutch is on the right, I know it and you’re never going to change my mind!
C: Have you ever worked on a Harley clutch before?
L: You’re stupid, I know what I’m doing, you can’t tell me what to do or think! Everyone should be forced to “rip it from the right”! We need to make it a law! We need Czars! We need Clutch N Trade regulations! We need the fairness doctrine to silence you, to keep you from telling me how to do it.
C: I’m not trying to tell you what to think, I just have experience in this matter as I have sacrificed much by working day and night as a Harley mechanic for 40 years and now I own the company that builds the clutches for Harley. I am the voice of logic, truth and experience.
L: I saw an Al Gore movie called “An inconvenient clutch” and he said the whole world’s at risk and our problems can be easily solved by “ripping it from the right”.
C: Well, if you “rip it from the right”, it will destroy the inner structure and the entire supporting system will be destroyed rendering it weak, inoperative and worthless.
L: You’re just a hate monger and you’re destroying the planet! I hate you and we need to take everything you have and give it to those that deserve it! We need distributive change!
C: No, I’m just concerned that you are going to destroy Harley’s for everyone by trying to make a law to force everyone to “rip it from the right”. I don’t hate you, I hate what you’re doing to our Harleys!
L: I saw Michael Moore’s latest documentary “Fahrenheit Clutch” that proves the conspiracy of Bush and it’s because of conservatives always removing clutches from the left.
C: That’s how they need to be removed. My experience guides me and having done the hard work, I know the facts, details and specifications. It’s called informed judgment.
L: You’re an idiot, everyone knows that clutches need to be “ripped from the right”! I watched the MTV awards just last night and all the award winners said we need to “rip it from the right”! Jeneane Garapolo gave a vulgar rant on the topic and said you are just a tea bag toting redneck that hates the fact that clutch needs to be “ripped from the right”!
C: It doesn’t matter what they say, they were all wrong. The simple fact of the matter is that you are listening to the wrong people. People who don’t know what they are talking about. People who will lead you to destroy what we all love. People who follow them are not wise. Your reasoning is flawed by inexperience, incorrect information and deceit.
L: We need to unionize all the Harley mechanics into SEIU! We need to assemble Acorn & SEIU to protest in front of the Harley dealerships. We need to beat down elderly riders and bite the fingers off anyone who disagrees with us! We need Reverend Wright to enlighten everyone on how anyone objecting to “ripping it from the right” is a racist!
C: So, if historic fact, experience, detailed diagrams and common sense don’t sway your opinion, what will?
L: Nothing, you suck, your logic sucks, you’re a stupid racist and George Bush sucks!
C: And there you have it, a typical discussion with a Liberal.
Bump for continuing yuks.
PINGING THE COMRADES FOR SOME MIDWEEK LAUGHS...........
Thanks
Now that gives me something to look forwrd to!
I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.
I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.
I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.
I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky ....
- Alex
P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!
A professor at UCLA was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ‘How many people here believe in ghosts?’
About 90 students raise their hands!
‘Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?’
About 40 students raise their hands.
‘That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?’
About 15 students raise their hand.
‘Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?’
Three students raise their hands.
‘That’s fantastic . Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?’
Way in the back, Mohammed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says ‘Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.’
Mohammed replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ‘So, Mohammed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?’
Mohammed replied, ‘Shiite!! From way back there I thought you said Goats..
LMAO
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil.” The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?” The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
Laughing my bloomin butt off!!
OK—I must’ve missed this one. Where’d the Mmmmm Mmmmmm mmmmm come from?
My doc wanted that as well as urine and stool specimens....so I left him my underwear.
We were a little more direct.....”Hey! Your d*ck’s hanging out!”
I would zip it up with no fanfair but I can't speak for the guys.
For some reasoon the guys usually turn their backs on everyone and jump up and down while zipping up. I don't know why.
When I talk to my Liberal Teachers Union brother about politics it goes like this:
Me: “It doesn’t matter what I say...”
Brother: “George Bush is an idiot!”
Me: “It doesn’t matter what I say...”
Brother: “George Bush is an idiot!”
Me: “It doesn’t matter what I say...”
Brother: “George Bush is an idiot!”
After a few more of these, I give up.
What’s really funny is that after he retired from teaching and found out he was losing his health care, he took a job with the eeeeeevil Wal-Mart to get coverage. I laugh every time I think of that.
all those Youtube vids of the kids being indoctrinated.....the Mmmm mmmm mmmm one is the hot one this week.
XYZ (eXamine Your Zipper)
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