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Seattle writer wins bad fiction contest
upi. ^ | June 30, 2010

Posted on 06/30/2010 3:50:49 PM PDT by JoeProBono

SEATTLE, - A Seattle author was named the winner of a contest to create an opening sentence to begin the worst possible novel.

Molly Ringle, who has published one novel with two more on the way, was declared the winner of the 28th annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a bad-writing contest sponsored by San Jose State University, the California school said.

"For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss -- a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil," Ringle's prize-winning sentence read.


TOPICS: Books/Literature; Chit/Chat; Humor; Poetry
KEYWORDS: fiction
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1 posted on 06/30/2010 3:50:51 PM PDT by JoeProBono
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To: JoeProBono

Still better than L. Ron Hubbard.


2 posted on 06/30/2010 3:52:53 PM PDT by driftdiver (I could eat it raw, but why do that when I have a fire.)
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To: JoeProBono; Salamander; Slings and Arrows; Markos33; humblegunner; Eaker; kanawa; ...
" riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend 1 of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to 2 Howth Castle and Environs."
3 posted on 06/30/2010 3:55:53 PM PDT by shibumi ((Topop Gigiop!!!!!))
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To: JoeProBono

my friend and i get a kick out of this contest... we love to read the sentences of the top winners... we often guffaw...


4 posted on 06/30/2010 3:56:18 PM PDT by latina4dubya ( self-proclaimed tequila snob)
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To: driftdiver; writer33

lol.

It would be funnier if this contest was for actual published novels. heh


5 posted on 06/30/2010 3:58:50 PM PDT by GeronL (Just say NO to conservativecave.com, it rots your teeth!)
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To: shibumi
brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to 2 Howth Castle

Well it damn sure DOES!

6 posted on 06/30/2010 3:59:55 PM PDT by humblegunner (Pablo is very wily)
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To: JoeProBono; All

Love it...........lmao.

Y’all ever see the similar contest, wherein the contestants must begin their opening sentence with “It was a dark and stormy night...”?

THAT one is HYSTERICAL. I’ll go dig up something resembling a link for ya.


7 posted on 06/30/2010 4:00:46 PM PDT by RightOnline
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hit and run

http://libertyfic.proboards.com


8 posted on 06/30/2010 4:02:07 PM PDT by GeronL (Just say NO to conservativecave.com, it rots your teeth!)
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To: shibumi
Just can't put it down


9 posted on 06/30/2010 4:03:05 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: JoeProBono
The best ever was "A Wellesley Wench" an on going series here on FR.

I cant find the link anymore though. It was of course about Hillry.

10 posted on 06/30/2010 4:03:40 PM PDT by DainBramage
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To: humblegunner

Just in time for tea!


11 posted on 06/30/2010 4:04:30 PM PDT by Tax-chick (Your shipment of failure to take a nap has arrived. It's whiny.)
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To: RightOnline

12 posted on 06/30/2010 4:04:42 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: JoeProBono

“a lengthy, ravenous kiss . . . lapping and sucking . . . .”

Sounds kinda like Al Gore getting massage.


13 posted on 06/30/2010 4:05:44 PM PDT by Bertha Fanation
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To: JoeProBono

OK OK....seems I WAS referring to this very contest (always thought it had to include that offending phrase; but it’s only a contest to choose the worst of that STYLE of writing).

I LOVED this one: :)

Runner-Up:

As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand afoot ahead.

Dennis Pearce

Lexington, KY


14 posted on 06/30/2010 4:06:37 PM PDT by RightOnline
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To: DainBramage

I wish I was a Wellesley wench
Oh the passions I would quench
at parties I would drink highballs
(never touch a beer!)
I’d bat my big blue eyes and sigh
“Are you an ENGINEER?”

(Chorus)
But I’m just a tech coed,
Mama dropped me on my head.
I wear a slide rule on my belt,
Man, oh man, do I look svelte!

The song goes:

Oh, I wish I was a Wellesley girl
I’d give the Techman such a whirl
I’d charm them with my smile
And then I’d hook them properly
I’d march them down the aisle.

Chorus:

Oh, I wish I was a B.U. girl
In C.L.A. I’d really toil.
In Hayden you could find me
Almost every night.
And though I could not read a word,
My blouse would be too tight.

Chorus

A Techretary I would be
To catch a man from MIT.
I’d sit in Building Twenty,
Perhaps in Building Ten,
Doing little favors
For all those lovely MEN.

Chorus

Oh, I with I wath a girl from Thmith
A thouthand Techmen I would kith.
They’d all come to my miktherth
Id date them on the run.
But when the boys from Yale come round,
I’d flush them one by one.

Chorus

Oh, I wish I was a Simmons wench,
And oh the passions I would quench.
At parties I’d drink highballs
I’d never touch a beer.
I’d bat my big blue eyes and squeal,
Are you an EnginEER?
Chorus


15 posted on 06/30/2010 4:08:00 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: Tax-chick

Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth to get at the tea somehow always makes it memorable.

For me anyway.


16 posted on 06/30/2010 4:08:35 PM PDT by humblegunner (Pablo is very wily)
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To: JoeProBono

Winner: Historical Fiction

In Southwestern Germany just east of the Luxemburg border and north of France where history pitted various related Hapsburg Royals against each other and the Archbishops of Trier, the Abbots of St. Maximin, various members of the nobility, and mobs of axe-bearing villagers, there stands a ruin whose building stones mostly were carted off to build other buildings.

Mary Ann R Unger

Ewing, NJ


17 posted on 06/30/2010 4:09:32 PM PDT by RightOnline
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To: JoeProBono

Runner-Up:

The band of pre-humans departed the cave in search of solace from the omnipresent dangers found there knowing that it meant survival of their kind, though they probably didn’t understand it intellectually since their brains were so small and undeveloped but fundamentally they understood that they didn’t like big animals that ate them.

Mike Mayfield

Austin, TX


18 posted on 06/30/2010 4:10:27 PM PDT by RightOnline
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To: JoeProBono; humblegunner

We have a winner!

(I was hoping it would go a little longer. Shoulda noun the diperversity of the amerit litter eathe hear would get the port man toe of it.)


19 posted on 06/30/2010 4:10:27 PM PDT by shibumi ((Topop Gigiop!!!!!))
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To: JoeProBono

Winner: Detective

She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so.

Steve Lynch

San Marcos, CA


20 posted on 06/30/2010 4:11:28 PM PDT by RightOnline
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To: RightOnline

Runner-Up:

Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, “There goes the most noble among men” — in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur.

Tom Wallace

Columbia, SC


21 posted on 06/30/2010 4:12:08 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: humblegunner

Why go to tea if it’s not going to be like something out of the latest idiotic vampire movie? Surely not for the scones ... you could use them for .


22 posted on 06/30/2010 4:14:17 PM PDT by Tax-chick (Your shipment of failure to take a nap has arrived. It's whiny.)
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To: JoeProBono

Runner-Up:

She purred sensually, oozing allure that was resisted only by his realization as an entomologist that the protein dust on the couch from the filing of her crimson nails was now being devoured by dust mites in a clicking, ferocious, ecstatic frenzy.

Jonathan Blay

Bedford, Canada


23 posted on 06/30/2010 4:14:34 PM PDT by RightOnline
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To: JoeProBono

Cynthia had washed her hands of Philip McIntyre - not like you wash your hands in a public restroom when everyone is watching you to see if you washed your hands but like washing your hands after you have been working in the garden and there is dirt under your fingernails — dirt like Philip McIntyre.

Linda Boatright

Omaha, NE


24 posted on 06/30/2010 4:15:27 PM PDT by RightOnline
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To: RightOnline

Molly Ringle
Seattle, WA

The winner of the 2010 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is Molly Ringle of Seattle, Washington. The author of one published and two soon-to-be-published novels, Molly Ringle only writes bad fiction when she fails at good fiction. She’d rather not say how often this happens. She lives in Seattle with her family, and her vices include uncalled-for moments of sarcasm, excessive consumption of Nutella, and an unladylike avidity for the raunchy films of Mel Brooks

Molly Ringle is the 28th grand prize winner of the contest that that began at San Jose State University in 1982. She is also the second consecutive Washingtonian in a row to win the contest, last year’s being David McKenzie.


25 posted on 06/30/2010 4:17:01 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: JoeProBono

Leaning back comfortably in a plush old chair, feet up, fingers laced behind his head, Tom Chambers inventoried his life and with a satisfied grin mused, “Ah, marlin fishing off the coast of Majorca, a bronze star for that rescue mission in Jamir, the unmatched fragrance of pastries fresh out of the oven at Café Legrande, two sons who would make any father proud . . . I’ve never done any of that.”

Ernie Santilli

Drexel Hill PA


26 posted on 06/30/2010 4:19:49 PM PDT by RightOnline
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To: Tax-chick

“Why, darling, you could have used the scones as the object of a preposition!”


27 posted on 06/30/2010 4:21:12 PM PDT by Tax-chick (Your shipment of failure to take a nap has arrived. It's whiny.)
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To: Tax-chick
Why go to tea if it’s not going to be like something out of the latest idiotic vampire movie?

There's other ways to have tea?

28 posted on 06/30/2010 4:21:56 PM PDT by humblegunner (Pablo is very wily)
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To: DainBramage

I remember that, very funny.


29 posted on 06/30/2010 4:21:56 PM PDT by Little Bill (Harry Browne is a poofter)
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To: JoeProBono

Oneida Revere picked at her meal and stared dully across the table at the charismatic charlatan who had seduced her with the illusion of love and tarnished her family’s sterling reputation; she was wise to his bent mind games and though it felt like a knife through her heart, she knew it was time to stick a fork in it and call it done - her days of spooning with Uri Geller were over.

T. A. Daniel (Seattle, WA) and Craig Rieger (Concord, CA)

Seattle, WA


30 posted on 06/30/2010 4:22:16 PM PDT by RightOnline
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To: JoeProBono
She is also the second consecutive Washingtonian in a row to win the contest, last year’s being David McKenzie.

The Department of Redundancy Department may want to look into this sentence. :=)

31 posted on 06/30/2010 4:23:57 PM PDT by Bob
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To: humblegunner
There's other ways to have tea?

At 4:00 a.m., when the booze is gone, the chili is gone, you've been in these clothes for 36 hours, and they still haven't called the election ...

No, that was a scene in the vampire movie, wasn't it?

32 posted on 06/30/2010 4:25:12 PM PDT by Tax-chick (Your shipment of failure to take a nap has arrived. It's whiny.)
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To: JoeProBono
My cousin was a Simmons wench, nasty woman, one step down from Regis next door. Probably her brown eyes.
33 posted on 06/30/2010 4:27:40 PM PDT by Little Bill (Harry Browne is a poofter)
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To: Tax-chick
At 4:00 a.m., when the booze is gone, the chili is gone, you've been in these clothes for 36 hours, and they still haven't called the election

It might be time then for Nachos or Fried Oysters in the tub..

Not tea.

Just sayin'..

34 posted on 06/30/2010 4:29:45 PM PDT by humblegunner (Pablo is very wily)
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To: JoeProBono
www.bulwer-lytton.com

Their servers are currently overloaded.

Here is one of my favorites, winner of the "Vile Puns" category in the 2005 contest:

Falcon was her name and she was quite the bird of prey, sashaying past her adolescent admirers from one anchor store to another, past the kiosks where earrings longed to lie upon her lobes and sunglasses hoped to nestle on her nose, seemingly the beginning of a beautiful friendship with whomsoever caught the eye of the mall tease, Falcon.

35 posted on 06/30/2010 4:31:09 PM PDT by TChad
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To: humblegunner

Thanks, I’ll be dreaming of fried oysters in the tub, now. From Frankie’s, under the pylons of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel, south end. Mmmmmm ... a day of shooting with Dad, Frankie’s, and then a poker game ...


36 posted on 06/30/2010 4:32:13 PM PDT by Tax-chick (Your shipment of failure to take a nap has arrived. It's whiny.)
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To: humblegunner; Lazamataz
You have to get laz involved, he has a talent for this.
37 posted on 06/30/2010 4:35:26 PM PDT by Little Bill (Harry Browne is a poofter)
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To: JoeProBono; All

Chorus:
Caviar comes from a virgin sturgeon
A virgin sturgeon’s a very fine fish;
A virgin sturgeon needs no urgin’
That’s why caviar is my dish.

I gave caviar to my lady
She was a virgin tried and true,
A virgin sturgeon needs no urgin’
Now there’s nothing that gal won’t do.

(Chorus)

I gave caviar to my grandpa
An stodgy old man of 91;
A virgin sturgeon needs no urgin’
Grandma wishes that she could run...

(Chorus)


38 posted on 06/30/2010 4:36:54 PM PDT by 60Gunner (Saving the world, one paper form at a time.)
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To: 60Gunner

39 posted on 06/30/2010 4:41:08 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: RightOnline; All
Absolute FAIL, not worthy of consideration!
40 posted on 06/30/2010 4:46:04 PM PDT by Little Bill (Harry Browne is a poofter)
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To: RightOnline

Please do. Reading some of those “It was a dark and stormy night” intros, I had to hold my tummy I was laughing so hard.


41 posted on 06/30/2010 5:35:50 PM PDT by OldPossum
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To: JoeProBono; 3D-JOY; 50mm; AGreatPer; calcowgirl; cindy-true-supporter; concretebob; Disco Dave; ...
Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil,

Jerry lathered the butcher knife with copious amounts raspberry jam and freshly churned butter and began applying the breakfast concoction to her supple bossom and midsection - Molly was toast.

Molly Ringle, I got two words for ya, bite mei.

41½ posted on 06/30/2010 8:34:05 PM EDT by Jerry Bull (I'm going to do something to you, something bad.)

To: 3D-Joy; 50mm; AGreatPer; calcowgirl; cindyTrueSupporter; concretebob; Disco Dave; Doctor Raoul; ...
ping!

If you want off my ping list get over it!


42 posted on 06/30/2010 5:36:57 PM PDT by BufordP (Once a Marine - always a Marine ... Until Jack Murtha.)
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To: JoeProBono; AdmSmith; Berosus; bigheadfred; blueyon; Convert from ECUSA; dervish; ...

Reality TV and The View and is going to put this contest right out of business.


43 posted on 06/30/2010 5:45:38 PM PDT by SunkenCiv ("Fools learn from experience. I prefer to learn from the experience of others." -- Otto von Bismarck)
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To: JoeProBono

Here’s a link to the after thread! A wellesley wench

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1043918/posts


44 posted on 06/30/2010 5:48:59 PM PDT by DainBramage
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To: SunkenCiv

45 posted on 06/30/2010 5:49:14 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: BufordP
Click the gerbil pirate and watch the video!

46 posted on 06/30/2010 5:52:41 PM PDT by 50mm (Topop, poptop, flipflop, whatever!)
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To: RightOnline; SortaBichy

If it doesn’t include “hot, throbbing member” in the first sentence, followed by “glistening honeypot” in the second, I ain’t bothering......


47 posted on 06/30/2010 5:53:14 PM PDT by ErnBatavia (It's not the Obama Administration....it's the "Obama Regime".)
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To: OldPossum

Turns out it is the same contest.......only it has been expanded and no longer HAS to start with “It was a dark and stormy night...” the way it used to.

This link on this thread.......same contest. Laughed so hard I hurt......:)


48 posted on 06/30/2010 5:54:44 PM PDT by RightOnline
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To: 50mm

ACTION PACKED!


49 posted on 06/30/2010 6:02:15 PM PDT by BufordP (Once a Marine - always a Marine ... Until Jack Murtha.)
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To: BufordP

Richard Gere gives it two thumbs up!


50 posted on 06/30/2010 6:04:27 PM PDT by 50mm (Topop, poptop, flipflop, whatever!)
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