Do good manners and discipline still survive in Dixie?

11/21/10 | Huck

[Huck]

I'd like to hear from any Freepers down in Dixie on a societal question. I'd like to know if the old southern virtues survive, or if mass-media culture has erased or eroded them. I'm talking about the basic manners, and in particular, the relationship of young people to adults. Allow me a moment to explain.

I was born and raised in New Jersey. I was in many respects NOT raised right. EXCEPT, I was fortunate enough to spend extended periods down in Alabama with my grandmother. I attended public school for a short time in Alabama as well. This was in the 1970s.

Culturally, Alabama demonstrated superiority to New Jersey in two specific areas. They demonstrated better manners generally, and they had a more structured and appropriate relationship between adults and children. In Alabama schools, all adults were addressed with Yes Sir and No Sir or Yes M'am and No M'am. No exceptions. This was unquestioned by any student. And in the community generally, the adults were all on one team, and the kids were all on another. No adult ever sided with a kid against another adult. The first response was always to support the authority of the elder, and to reproof the child, pending investigation.

Here in NJ, it was NOT like that, inside of school or out. I find that this Yankee culture is inferior. The best one can do here is to send a child to Catholic School, but even then, the general culture does not support manners, decorum, and institutionalized respect for elders. It's chaotic here. It's a mess.

So, back to my question. I'm very curious to know if this culture still survives in the south. I hope it does. I wish there were some way to transplant it to the rest of the country. I'd love to hear some thoughts and reports from Dixie freepers.

[davisfh]

I was born in my Mother's front bedroom in a small Mississippi town in 1936. Southern society has changed since that time and by "changed" I mean coarsened. The old Southern manners and charm are still practiced and embraced by certain families and with others these attributes have disappeared altogether. It is not difficult to learn which element of society you're dealing with. It is the "yes maam," "no sir," the holding of the door for elderly people and a myriad of other subtle behaviors that allow one to understand who this or that person is. And, don't be deluded by the word "society." Good manners are not limited to the wealthy and influential and oftentimes the exact opposite is true.

During my life I've traveled quite a lot and have met people from various parts of America. During those travels, I've learned that good manners are not necessarily a Southern attribute. Accents and the manner in which we frame our conversation are often misleading and misunderstood and we should be careful to not allow these things to color our opinions of others.

[cpdiii]

To the day they passed away I would respond to my grandparents with yes sir, no sir, yes mam, no mam. When I turned 18 I referred to my Uncle Charlie as “Charlie,” it did not go well for me that day. When speaking to a female stranger I always refer to them as mam, regardless of their age. Men my elder are always referred to as sirs.

This is Texas.

[DemonDeac]

Not in central NC. The Yankees have taken over.

[Fast Moving Angel]

I love traveling to the South, just for this reason — the people of Georgia and North Carolina in particular are wonderful. Everyone has always been extremely friendly and polite to me. But then, for the most part, I’ve found that if you treat people politely, they’ll be polite in return, no matter where they are.

[SWAMPSNIPER]

My Gran McDougal wouldn't even say damn or Hell, her entire supply of profanity was "carpetbagger". The way she said it you expected the Earth to open up and pull her target down into molten lava.

The memories of Reconstruction were still very close to the surface in my childhood.

[ConservativeChris]

You dont know how many times I have said, “Blame my mother”, after upsetting some lady by calling her “ma’am”.

[MHGinTN]

And those Yankees who don’t get it? ... Well bless their little hearts, they will, but it will be too late by then.

[kacres]

I live in small town Ga. and the answer is Yes. But there are Yankees here, and they refer to our well mannered children as “Rednecks”.

[kalee]

lol
My husband likes to go to the Whole Foods in Cary as opposed to Durham, Chapel Hill or Raleigh. He says that the Cary store has “normal” people. I burst his bubble when I reminded him Cary is very liberal, so while they may look normal,they aren’t.
Cary known as the “containment area for relocated yankees”

[HANG THE EXPENSE]

We do try to keep it going.I cannot pass up the opportunity to chastise a young man failing to open the door for his date and I let him have it loud and clear so everyone can hear.I am constantly on my children about manners as well.Sometimes it seems that I am not getting through and then other times it does.Time will tell I suppose.We were just raised right here in the south.

[garyhope]

I think it's interesting what you said about the swearing. I was listening to a friend of mine talk last night and noted the swearing and the “f” word and thinking to myself (at the risk of sounding naive) that it didn't sound good and also realizing that I swear too much and use the "F" word (among others) also and thinking I should stop swearing so much or at all period. And I'm guilty of using the “F” word too.

I remember the first time I heard that word as a young man and how shocked I was at hearing it in public.

“Tuscaloosa Goldfinch”? What a great name!

[19th LA Inf]

I'm 81, have only one working ear (with hearing aid) and it's time for my cataract surgery. I have also had hip surgery, and maybe I hobble just a little bit. Last week I was in the eye clinic waiting room with my wife, who heard my first name "Fred" called out - - unfortunately I didn't hear it at all. I remarked something to my wife about this new custom of calling us old geezers by our first name. She said "why don't you tell her?" As I followed the young lady, I said "Some of us old folks don't like being called by our first names." The young chick replied "Then I can tell everyone to call you Mr. **** (not my correct name)." I corrected her on that, and we went on to the testing procedures. I spent about an hour with her going through the tests and giving my medical history. Actually she was cordial enough and all went well. My wife noticed that she had put a Post-it note on my file: "Call this man Mr. ####" (my correct last name).

Lately, though, I have noticed that many younger people are now holding doors for me. I always thank them, but have to admit it's kinda embarrassing.

[Georgia Girl 2]

Those of us raised in the South were taught “southern manners” The rest not so much.

[HANG THE EXPENSE]

Tell them we can fix redneck but there is no fixin yankee.Shuts them up everytime.

[Imgr8t]

I was born and raised down in the delta of Mississippi and was surrounded by this behavior. It’s how I am and they are the same values that I am *trying* to instill in my daughters. Making sure everyone has food and drink before you even consider getting a plate...

For men, it’s just like you say, opening doors, yes ma’aam and no ma’am. There is something to be said also for women. There’s a difference in being a woman and being a lady. (ref:Laura Bush vs. Moochelle Obama).

I live in Middle TN now and I still see it, but it’s not as prevalent. However, I have not had anyone react negatively to me for holding a door open.

[yefragetuwrabrumuy]

Good manners have always been for “polite people”, no matter where they lived. However, invariably there were always those around them who were “lower class”, not in terms of economics, though that often was the case, but that they were not “polite people”.

Yet there is another qualification. By the 1920s, the idea of etiquette about peaked, then abruptly collapsed. This happened because the noveau riche wanted the pretense that they were upper class, so tried to codify and duplicate the manners and mannerisms of the upper classes.

This was doomed to fail, because things like table manners do not make ladies and gentlemen, they come from being ladies and gentlemen. A courteous and polite person has good manners because they are courteous and polite. The manners themselves do not make them that way.

Importantly, going all the way back to the founding of America, one of the responsibilities of “polite people” was that they were expected to be leaders at all levels. This meant the equivalent of police, militia, military, government, academics, business and religious. Typically this also meant owning property. Firearms were a must unless there were religious objections.

Much of this was translated from the English Common Law, which was itself descended from the Germanic Tribes opposed to Rome, from where we get legal concepts like assuming innocence before proving guilt, trial by a jury of peers, and the freedom and liberty of citizens.

So do these things still exist today? Most certainly. And while the trappings evolve, such as knowing which fork to use at table, the underlying good manners remain.

[CORedneck]

I have friends that live in California and they took vacation to Alabama. He mentioned how the kids say “yes/no sir” and no mouthing off. The adults are expected to correct not only their own kids but other people kids as well. One thing, if you are someplace else and act up, when you get home, you have some ‘splaining to do and a can of “womp @$$” as well !

Funny thing, I am from Indiana and even though it is a Northern state, it has a lot of the characteristics of the South. I remember when I was in middle school, I pulled some crap and when I got home, got my @$$ kicked !

One thing, about 10 years ago, I was at the video rental place and some 13 year kid was acting up in front of me and mouthing off to his grandmother. She didn’t do anything about it. I had to bite my tongue very hard to say nothing. Back in Indiana and I know in the South, the people around would have corrected the kid. In my opinion, we need this across the country !

[HANG THE EXPENSE]

It is a sign of respect sir and I for one am glad you are experiencing it..You have earned it.There are a number of us that know had we not opened the door for our elders and women a lighting bold from on high compliments of our southern grandmothers would strike us down where we stood.Take care my FRiend.

[Sporke]

Being raised in Texas my Dad was always polite but never hassled me about it, and when I was a kid I thought being courteous was a bit silly. When I grew up something clicked in my subconscious or something, because I started acting exactly like my Dad did. The same thing happened to my Son. I never told him how to act when he was little, but now he’s 22 and is very polite to everyone. I try not to worry about how other people act. I figure as long as I treat everyone right, that’s all I’ll have to answer for later. So...wherever you live, treat people right! :-D

[HANG THE EXPENSE]

Yes ma’am.American by birth and Southern by the grace of God.