Skip to comments.Wanted: A full-time wiener peeler
Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
Im not the wiener peeler, Im the wiener peelers son, And Im only peeling wieners, Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? Get out your resume, she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
Full-time Wiener Peeler, says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
No. As in weenie. Its got you written all over it, says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, Im getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
Youre on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, What dya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?
I peel wieners, Drew.
Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
Im not the wiener stuffer
Im the wiener stuffers son
Im only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or well make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! Ill do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
Theyre in the union contract, she says. Theyre really a kind of food-processing operator.
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I cant imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, dont.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And youd be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, youre wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever its called.
I can picture the negotiations:
We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
But hold the mustard.
No wonder I have trouble with Austrian!
Who is now?
Bit of a long trip eh?
*waves to everyone*
Hi folks, I have a cold. The kids have it too. I need a cold zot but the beeber lost its..... uh.... beeberness.
Good news though, I got 97.5% on my midterm. Phew. I get the rest of the week off WOOT!
Our street is pretty wide because it connects the other streets in the subdivision. I could get around White Cat in the van.
Speaking of catz, I’d better feed ours if we want to find all our extremities in the morning.
Yea! Have some hot chicken soup with garlic.
We have cedar-pollen allergies. A-CHOO!
I nailed a pidgeon once, in LA on the I-5 southbound in rush hour traffic. A whole flock flew under the guardrail and I tagged one full on into the middle of my 4Runner’s windshield. My husband was one car back and saw the cloud of feathers fly up and the body of the bird, which flew straight up and into the red convertable corvette right behind me. I was trying not to swerve from the shock since we were going 70 (LA traffic is insane) and it was bumper to bumper, no where to go... My husband almost wrecked cause he was laughin his ass off so hard.....
Oh and then there was the little kitty... :( I went back to look for her, and she was alright.. amazingly.... but get this, her name was... wait for it... “Lunch”. Exactly... er.. well almost. LOL
Thats a good idea! I know it sounds wierd, but spicy salsa tastes good and stops the itching in the back of my throat.
I have allergies year round... so I feel your pain! I am allergic to cedar as well. Its no fun at all! I wish the best to you!!
I parked under a cedar tree when we went to church on Sunday, and sneezed the rest of the day. We had a rainstorm last night, so today has been better.
It’s no Batmobile, but who wants to drive a jet-powered open-top car instead of, well, not worrying about finding a hotel for the honeymoon, because the Weinermobile has sleeping quarters and stuff. :’)
Yep. I think this will do nicely. :-)
Cheese,thanks, because I didn't relish the idea, anyway.
Ah. Cocoa mustache. That means the cocoa didn’t leak after all...it was...erm...”appropriated.” No doubt for a good cause. ;o]
I’m sure if the snow hadn’t been so deep, we would have moved a month ago. Not a long trip, just a slow one.
I hit a bunny one night. The whole experience made me ill.
It has great potential, too. I mean, I suspect the topic will keep coming up. ;o]
That looks so warm and comfy!
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