Looking at Gaddafi is like looking at an old wrinkled ass......
.
I'd rather look at Anthony Weiner
Posted on 03/04/2011 4:02:25 AM PST by Lucky9teen
ROFL, I aready stole that one from Arrowhead
“Toop” is what happens when your extremeties and eyes are at the same stage of sleepiness at the same time. My next one was saying I was “humgry.” *ungh*
LOL. Looks like that email hit the entire web already today.
Looking at Gaddafi is like looking at an old wrinkled ass......
.
I'd rather look at Anthony Weiner
Jokes about musicians....
Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What’s the difference between a professional musician and a government bond?
A: The government bond eventually matures and earns a little money.
Q: What’s the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician?
A: A rock musician plays three chords in front of thousands of people. A jazz musician plays thousands of chords in front of three people.
Q: What’s the difference in size between a violin and a viola?
A: There is none; violinists just have bigger heads.
Q: What’s the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune a lawnmower. Also, your neighbors get pretty upset if you borrow their lawnmower and don’t return it.
Q: How do you get a bass player off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: How do you know if a kid on the playground is the child of a trombonist?
A: The kid can’t swing and doesn’t know how to use the slide.
Q: How do you know the person at the front door is a drummer?
A: He doesn’t know when to come in.
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: What are the two biggest lies a lead guitarist tells?
A: 1 - I am NOT playing too loud! 2 - I already turned it down! (BTW, I used to play lead guitar in a band and was constantly butting heads with our soundman over how loud I was playing.)
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a CFL?
A: Five. One to change it, and the other four to tell him how an incandescent bulb produces warmer, more natural light.
First in my class here at MIT
Got skillz, I’m a champion at D&D
MC Escher, that’s my favorite MC
Keep your forty, I’ll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin, to the contrary
You’ll find they’re quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Stephen Hawking’s in my library
My Myspace page is totally pimped out
Got people beggin’ for my top eight spaces
Yo, I know pi to a thousand places
Ain’t got a grill but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I’m a wiz at Minesweeper, I can play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you’re gonna stay amazed
Fingers flyin’ so fast I set the place ablaze
There’s no killer app I haven’t run
At Pascal, well I’m number one
Do vector calculus just for fun
Ain’t got a gat but I got a solderin’ gun
Happy Days is my favorite theme song
I can sure kick your butt at a game of ping-pong
I’ll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I’m fluent in Javascript as well as Klingon
Here’s the part I sing on...
It hit facebook too.
Lovemaking tips for seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
‘OLD’ IS WHEN..
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot..
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)
______
There were two old men sitting on a park bench talking.
One old man asked the other, “How is your wife?”
Second old man replied, “I think she may be dead!”
First old man, “What do you mean you THINK she may be dead?”
“Well”, answered the second old man, “the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.”
Well, I don’t do the FB thing. The less info I have on the web, the better off I am.
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right.... but I’ll stick with my Moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I’m a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?”
The old man whispers,
“Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!”
bttt
The Male Cycle
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ta-tas.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ta-tass, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 32, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she left me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big ta-tas.
New play on an old idea:
BEEP BEEP
The Playmates - 1958
(very slowly)
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
While riding in my Cadillac
What to my surprise
A little Nash Rambler was following me
About one third my size
The guy musta wanted to pass me up
As he kept on tooting his horn
I’ll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
(slowly)
I pushed my foot down to the floor
To give the guy the shake
But the little Nash Rambler stayed right behind
He still had on his brake
He musta thought his car had more guts
As he kept on tooting his horn (beep beep)
I’ll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
(normal speed)
My car went into passing gear
And we took off with gust (whoosh)
Soon we were going ninety
Musta left him in the dust
When I peeked in the mirror of my car
I couldn’t believe my eyes
The little Nash Rambler was right behind
You’d think that guy could fly
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
(quickly)
Now we were doing a hundred and ten
This certainly was a race
For a Rambler to pass a Caddy
Would be a big disgrace
The guy musta wanted to pass me up
As he kept on tooting his horn (beep beep)
I’ll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
(very quickly)
Now we’re going a hundred twenty
As fast as I can go
The Rambler pulled along side of me
As if we were going slow
The fella rolled down his window
And yelled for me to hear
“Hey buddy how do I get this car outa second gear?”
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