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$~$~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~$~$

Posted on 03/04/2011 4:02:25 AM PST by Lucky9teen

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To: Lucky9teen

Lovemaking tips for seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

‘OLD’ IS WHEN..
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot..

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)
______

There were two old men sitting on a park bench talking.

One old man asked the other, “How is your wife?”

Second old man replied, “I think she may be dead!”

First old man, “What do you mean you THINK she may be dead?”

“Well”, answered the second old man, “the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.”


51 posted on 03/04/2011 9:21:53 AM PST by unique
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To: Rightly Biased

Well, I don’t do the FB thing. The less info I have on the web, the better off I am.


52 posted on 03/04/2011 9:22:58 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (America has two cancers - democrats and RINOS.)
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To: Lucky9teen

53 posted on 03/04/2011 9:28:00 AM PST by evets (beer)
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To: dragonblustar

54 posted on 03/04/2011 9:44:39 AM PST by Godzilla (3-7-77)
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To: unique

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right.... but I’ll stick with my Moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I’m a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?”

The old man whispers,

“Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!”


55 posted on 03/04/2011 9:57:55 AM PST by Hoffer Rand (There ARE two Americas: "God's children" and the tax payers)
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To: Lucky9teen

bttt


56 posted on 03/04/2011 11:42:35 AM PST by DollyCali (Don't tell God how big your storm is... tell your storm how BIG your God is!)
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To: Lucky9teen

57 posted on 03/04/2011 12:14:39 PM PST by Pyro7480 ("If you know how not to pray, take Joseph as your master, and you will not go astray." - St. Teresa)
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To: Lucky9teen

The Male Cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ta-tas.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ta-tass, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 32, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she left me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big ta-tas.


58 posted on 03/04/2011 1:08:06 PM PST by sunny48
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To: Hoffer Rand

New play on an old idea:

BEEP BEEP
The Playmates - 1958

(very slowly)
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
While riding in my Cadillac
What to my surprise
A little Nash Rambler was following me
About one third my size
The guy musta wanted to pass me up
As he kept on tooting his horn
I’ll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep

(slowly)
I pushed my foot down to the floor
To give the guy the shake
But the little Nash Rambler stayed right behind
He still had on his brake
He musta thought his car had more guts
As he kept on tooting his horn (beep beep)
I’ll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep

(normal speed)
My car went into passing gear
And we took off with gust (whoosh)
Soon we were going ninety
Musta left him in the dust
When I peeked in the mirror of my car
I couldn’t believe my eyes
The little Nash Rambler was right behind
You’d think that guy could fly
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep

(quickly)
Now we were doing a hundred and ten
This certainly was a race
For a Rambler to pass a Caddy
Would be a big disgrace
The guy musta wanted to pass me up
As he kept on tooting his horn (beep beep)
I’ll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep

(very quickly)
Now we’re going a hundred twenty
As fast as I can go
The Rambler pulled along side of me
As if we were going slow
The fella rolled down his window
And yelled for me to hear
“Hey buddy how do I get this car outa second gear?”


59 posted on 03/04/2011 1:22:03 PM PST by Monkey Face (I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.)
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To: Lucky9teen

60 posted on 03/04/2011 3:09:48 PM PST by Califreak (Soros is the root of all evil)
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To: Izzy Dunne

61 posted on 03/04/2011 5:56:19 PM PST by ErnBatavia (It's not the Obama Administration....it's the "Obama Regime".)
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To: Arrowhead1952; sunny48

oops


62 posted on 03/04/2011 6:15:58 PM PST by BenLurkin (This post is not a statement of fact. It is merely a personal opinion -- or humor -- or both)
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To: ErnBatavia

mudpackers


63 posted on 03/04/2011 10:36:59 PM PST by llevrok (SEIU? STFU.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Woohoo! A day late but still silly!

MEMO

To: All cat lovers
From: A concerned friend
Subj: How to wash the cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet and remove the thing that makes the water blue.

2. Add an appropriate amount of shampoo, based upon the size of the cat, to the toilet water. Leave both lids up.

3. Retrieve the cat and soothe him/her as you carry him/her towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and immediately close both lids.

NOTE: You may need to stand on the lid.

CAUTION: Do not allow any part of your body to come too close to the edge of the toilet, as claws will be reaching for anything they can find.

5. Wait while the cat self-agitates, making ample suds.
NOTE: Disregard the noises coming from your toilet. The cat does actually enjoy this.

6. Flush the toilet three or four times to provide a “power-wash” and “rinse,” which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open a door to the outside and ensure that there are no people or other living things between the toilet and the outside world.

8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. Consider using a towel or belt from a bathrobe to lift the lids. (See “CAUTION” on item number 4.)

9. The cat will fly from the toilet, and run outside where he will thoroughly dry himself with no further assistance.

Good luck. This really does work!

Sincerely,

The Dog


64 posted on 03/05/2011 6:32:22 AM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: Lucky9teen

That video is buckets of win.


65 posted on 03/05/2011 6:37:27 AM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: Lucky9teen

BTW, these days Ol’ Moammar looks like Lionel Richie became homelessand then later became a zombie.


66 posted on 03/05/2011 6:39:09 AM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: Mr. Silverback
LOL.

5.56mm

67 posted on 03/05/2011 6:45:07 AM PST by M Kehoe
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