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Colonoscopy Journal..(SOME HUMOR)
Miami Herald ^ | 03/29/11 | Dave Barry

Posted on 03/29/2011 11:59:03 AM PDT by Doogle

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

(Excerpt) Read more at miamiherald.com ...


TOPICS: Agriculture; Humor; Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: mining
...some funny stuff here for those of us who been through it, just a hint for those looking forward to it.

Enjoy!

1 posted on 03/29/2011 11:59:04 AM PDT by Doogle
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To: Doogle

This 52 year old has a colon of a 26 year old. Dang proud of it too. Wanna see pictures? Got them right here in my wallet.


2 posted on 03/29/2011 12:05:30 PM PDT by NavyCanDo
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To: Doogle
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy ...

I call friends to help me move things, go to the range, hit the bars.

Calling a friend to arrange ANYTHING concerning my exit would be construed as a breach of code.

3 posted on 03/29/2011 12:07:06 PM PDT by NativeSon
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To: Doogle
Already have had X3. Colon cancer killed my Dad and it wasn't a pretty sight, so, if you've put off having the ‘scope’, please make an appointment and git ‘er done.
4 posted on 03/29/2011 12:07:25 PM PDT by JPG ("2012 Can't Come Soon Enough" - Sarah Palin)
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To: NavyCanDo
This 52 year old has a colon of a 26 year old.

What? have you been rooting in Gary Heidnik's freezer?

5 posted on 03/29/2011 12:12:13 PM PDT by NativeSon
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To: Doogle

bump


6 posted on 03/29/2011 12:14:56 PM PDT by mel (I DONATE to FR monthly...Do You?????)
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To: JPG

Got’er done a few years ago. Scary results that end up with me rushed to and admitted to a hospital that morning. Blockage that the Dr. was afraid could be cancer, turned out after an extensive opperation to be non cancerous. Wooo Hooo! Have had two colonoscopies since and all was good! Spent a week in the hospital after the surgery and months recovering at home. Walking and other activity was very painful. I am free and clear and the next test is two years down the road. Damn nasty stuff to drink ( force down) the day before!


7 posted on 03/29/2011 12:16:43 PM PDT by Red_Devil 232 (VietVet - USMC All Ready On The Right? All Ready On The Left? All Ready On The Firing Line!)
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To: Doogle
I'm 63 and I've had four. He nails it on the prep.

Lamh Foistenach Abu!
8 posted on 03/29/2011 12:20:23 PM PDT by ConorMacNessa (HM/2 USN, 3/5 Marines, RVN '69 - St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle!)
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To: NativeSon
Calling a friend to arrange ANYTHING concerning my exit would be construed as a breach of code.

Calling a friend for such things is probably stretching the bonds of friendship...

...among other things.

9 posted on 03/29/2011 12:20:29 PM PDT by The_Victor (If all I want is a warm feeling, I should just wet my pants.)
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To: NavyCanDo

Mine is scheduled for the 2nd week in May. Wheeeee.


10 posted on 03/29/2011 12:22:58 PM PDT by Quix (Times are a changin' INSURE you have believed in your heart & confessed Jesus as Lord Come NtheFlesh)
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To: Doogle
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis

Don't make friends with swollen intestines. They rarely do anything good for you like lend you a car or watch your kids. Maybe Dave should make more friends with gastroenterologists instead.

11 posted on 03/29/2011 12:24:01 PM PDT by KarlInOhio (Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice! Tea Party extremism is a badge of honor.)
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To: Doogle

Dave Barry is one of the greatest humor columnists for a generation.


12 posted on 03/29/2011 12:28:58 PM PDT by cornfedcowboy (Trust in God, but empty the clip.)
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To: Doogle

Now you don’t have to do the MediPrep. If you can tolerate pills (LOTS of pills) there’s a prep that has you downing pills, instead of the MediPrep. Worked great for me, but don’t forget to drink tons of liquids, if you decide to take that route.


13 posted on 03/29/2011 12:31:25 PM PDT by Hoffer Rand (There ARE two Americas: "God's children" and the tax payers)
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To: Doogle

I’m 58 and have had four of them, the preparation is far worse than the procedure - don’t put it off if you’re getting older.


14 posted on 03/29/2011 12:32:12 PM PDT by dainbramaged ( I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live-Socrates)
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To: Doogle

“I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis”

If I called my friend an enflamed gut, he might resent it.


15 posted on 03/29/2011 12:35:14 PM PDT by dangerdoc (see post #6)
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To: Quix
Mine is scheduled for the 2nd week in May. Wheeeee.

Don't worry, you will probably survive it. The best advice I got was drink the laxative through a straw. That way it bypasses the tastebuds. Of course, I got this advice the day after my prep as the nurse was readying me for the procedure itself. But I'll remember it for next time...ten years from now.

16 posted on 03/29/2011 12:36:54 PM PDT by K-Stater
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To: Doogle

(Holy beep! Dave Barry is 60????)

Too funny, too true!

My first, some time ago... I was dating
a retired Army Drill Sargraent at the time, who
promised the DOCTOR he would get me there.

Literally, he broke down the bathroom door
to get me into the car - I was petrified.

Afterwards, the doc told me that in 10,000 patients,
I was his worst.

That said, Xanax will get you through or to anything,
even your next colonoscopy.

Dave’s right, go get one.


17 posted on 03/29/2011 12:37:41 PM PDT by CaptainPhilFan
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To: Doogle

A homosexual acquaintance of mine reported difficulty overcoming the anesthetic used for his colonoscopy.

Hmmmm........


18 posted on 03/29/2011 12:46:06 PM PDT by Uncle Miltie (The 0bamaNation of America slides toward death as planned.)
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To: K-Stater

THANKS.

I have large straws from Taipei that should help.


19 posted on 03/29/2011 12:46:22 PM PDT by Quix (Times are a changin' INSURE you have believed in your heart & confessed Jesus as Lord Come NtheFlesh)
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To: Hoffer Rand
Now you don’t have to do the MediPrep. If you can tolerate pills (LOTS of pills) there’s a prep that has you downing pills, instead of the MediPrep.

THANK GOD! I'm going to ask for that next time. I could not get that MediPrep stuff down. I was gagging. I was afraid I'd just throw it up and so it wouldn't do any good. I'd rather take a whole bushel basket of pills than drink that crap again.

20 posted on 03/29/2011 12:54:22 PM PDT by Nea Wood (Silly liberal . . . paychecks are for workers!)
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To: Doogle

I woke up with a smile on my face...and a large bill as I have a high deductible health care policy.


21 posted on 03/29/2011 1:01:43 PM PDT by montomike (Politics should be about service and not a lucrative, money-making opportunity!)
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To: NavyCanDo

22 posted on 03/29/2011 1:02:35 PM PDT by Neidermeyer
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To: Doogle

Colonoscopy Showing Moving Worms That Live In Your Body

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeuQfToa254


23 posted on 03/29/2011 1:11:12 PM PDT by Neidermeyer
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To: Nea Wood

Glad to be of assistance. To get the maximum benefit from the pill regiment, just make sure you drink so much liquids you think you’ll float away, way more than what you need to get all the pills down.


24 posted on 03/29/2011 1:16:13 PM PDT by Hoffer Rand (There ARE two Americas: "God's children" and the tax payers)
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To: Doogle; All

—as I tell those gross enough to want to talk about it , if that’s the worst thing the medical profession ever has to do to me , I’ll be happy-—


25 posted on 03/29/2011 1:20:28 PM PDT by rellimpank (--don't believe anything the media or government says about firearms or explosives--)
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To: Doogle

Having been through the procedure, I cried, I was laughing so hard when I read this!!


26 posted on 03/29/2011 1:48:52 PM PDT by SuziQ
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To: Doogle

bkmk


27 posted on 03/29/2011 1:52:55 PM PDT by Sergio (An object at rest cannot be stopped! - The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight)
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To: KarlInOhio

“Sable” sounds like something you’d find in Richard Gere (sorry Richard, I know it’s an urban legend).


28 posted on 03/29/2011 1:59:37 PM PDT by ichabod1 (Hail Mary Full of Grace, The Lord Is With Thee...)
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To: ConorMacNessa
He nails it on the prep.

Yeah he did, I related to term "nuclear laxative."

I though it was interesting he said he was asleep. I had an IV anesthesia, and I certainly felt no pain, but I wasn't knocked out. I watched the camera images on the screen in a very detached way.

29 posted on 03/29/2011 2:01:11 PM PDT by GATOR NAVY ("The bigger the government, the smaller the citizen." -Dennis Prager)
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To: SuziQ

:)


30 posted on 03/29/2011 2:03:03 PM PDT by Doogle ((USAF.68-73..8th TFW Ubon Thailand..never store a threat you should have eliminated))
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To: JPG
I had my 4th colonoscopy last Sept. All was well, again. My grandmother died of colon cancer so I am not about to let it sneak up behind me! ha ha! :D
31 posted on 03/29/2011 2:23:49 PM PDT by Ditter
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To: Ditter

My wife took me to the ER on Valentine’s Day. I had terrible diarrhea and vomiting. They stuck a gastric tube down my nose and drained my intestines for 18 awful hours. I thought I was going to be pampered, but ended up wearing Pampers. After four days, my GI doctor ordered a colonoscopy, my fourth. He said it had been an inflammation of the bowel and the colonoscopy was clean as a whistle. He said he’d see me again in five years. I’m 68 now. Thanks for the tip about the straw. I hope I remember it next time.


32 posted on 03/29/2011 2:52:52 PM PDT by Ax
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To: Ax
Did they call what you had “paralytic illius”? My husband had that after a bout of vomiting and diarrhea last year. The illius, I learned, is a section of your intestine's and his became paralyzed, for what reason they never said. he had the tube down his throat, sucking everything out, for 3 days. Nothing by mouth, not even a sip of water. After 3 days they removed the tube and gave him a liquid meal. It was a very difficult time for him (and for me, I had to watch). He is fine and I am glad you are as well.
33 posted on 03/29/2011 3:10:26 PM PDT by Ditter
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To: Quix
“Mine is scheduled for the 2nd week in May. Wheeeee.”

I'm sure you've heard this before, but the day of - is nothing. It's the prep day before, the clear liquid diet, that is pure hell

34 posted on 03/29/2011 4:30:41 PM PDT by NavyCanDo
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To: NavyCanDo

I still remember the morning of the “procedure” - I walked up to the desk to sign in and fill out the paper. The lady at the desk said, “this is the self-serve line” (grinning, of course)

My reply - “Ok, then I guess I’m going to need a mirror and a map”. Brought a grin to a few nervous faces in the waiting room.


35 posted on 03/29/2011 5:05:03 PM PDT by meyer (We will not sit down and shut up.)
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To: NavyCanDo

Hmmmmmmm

So I’ve heard, alright.

Is apple juice OK?

Chicken broth?


36 posted on 03/29/2011 5:17:13 PM PDT by Quix (Times are a changin' INSURE you have believed in your heart & confessed Jesus as Lord Come NtheFlesh)
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To: Ditter

That’s exactly what happened to me. Fortunately, it doesn’t last very long. In Jan 2008, I had a very complicated triple bypass. They put me in a chemically induced coma for four days. When I came out, I was starving and when I tried to eat and drink, they determined I had an Ilius issue and for 60 hours all I could have was ice chips. The body can be very tough, but occasionally, it can be very fragile. Glad your husband is back on track.


37 posted on 03/29/2011 5:40:55 PM PDT by Ax
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To: Quix
The Doctor should give you a complete list of what you can and cannot have prior to that day. For me it was chicken broth, orange Jello, black coffee (no cream or sugar) And I think apple juice was OK. The worse part is the DRANO Pills you have to take (to clean your pipes) and all the water you have to take with them. Lots and lots of water. Make sure you are home ALL day when you are doing this or you will mess your pants.

The best part is the day of the operation. You will never know it happened. And if you play up the “I'm still feeling groggy” line when you get home, you can be pampered by the wife the rest of the day.

38 posted on 03/29/2011 5:55:25 PM PDT by NavyCanDo
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To: NavyCanDo

A Dear Freeper Friend is taking me down to Albuquerque the day before . . . Wheeee.

I have the list of stuff around somewhere. Will have to find it. LOL.


39 posted on 03/29/2011 6:06:55 PM PDT by Quix (Times are a changin' INSURE you have believed in your heart & confessed Jesus as Lord Come NtheFlesh)
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To: Ax
My husband had a double by pass in Dec, ‘07, very uneventful and he recovered just fine. This stomach thing was weird. We both caught a virus of the 24 hour variety. I got over it and he didn't and ended up with this paralyzed gut.
40 posted on 03/29/2011 6:13:37 PM PDT by Ditter
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To: Doogle

This article convinced me to go get the scope done back when it first appeared. Was a piece of cake. The night before was the worst part.


41 posted on 03/29/2011 6:25:02 PM PDT by Some Fat Guy in L.A. (Wanna learn humility? Become a Pittsburgh Pirates fan!)
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To: Ditter

I had my first one in 1983 at age 40. I was up and out of hospital in six days. A mere 100 days post op, I was jogging through the streets of Baghdad.


42 posted on 03/29/2011 6:25:41 PM PDT by Ax
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To: Some Fat Guy in L.A.

yep....I had both, awake and asleep...the awake one was like I was playing a part in Alien...very uncomfortable..I make sure I go every 3-4 years...


43 posted on 03/29/2011 7:11:18 PM PDT by Doogle ((USAF.68-73..8th TFW Ubon Thailand..never store a threat you should have eliminated))
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To: Ax
Good for you! Amazing what our medical care can do, I hope nobama isn't able to destroy it.
44 posted on 03/29/2011 7:37:26 PM PDT by Ditter
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To: Doogle

LOL! Dave Barry is hilarious! I had one and really didn’t mind the prep the night before but I didn’t like the next day for 2 reason. First I felt dehydrated and like total dog crap on the next morning and felt like just saying in bed. Then after I woke up the doctor said he had a problem knocking me out, and had to give me more meds to knock me out than almost anyone else he had ever done.
Great, so he almost OD’ed me? WTH? I did wake up a couple of times during the procedure and it hurt, but briefly. One “OUCH” and they shot more drugs in the IV and I was out instantly again. Definitely not looking forward to another one and when it’s time, they better use another drug to put me out. I want to make sure I wake up.


45 posted on 04/05/2011 2:50:45 PM PDT by mojitojoe (In itÂ’s 1400 years of existence, Islam has 2 main accomplishments, psychotic violence and goat curr)
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