Skip to comments.Dear Bride: 10 wedding complaints from your bridesmaid
Posted on 06/04/2011 2:23:31 PM PDT by Feline_AIDS
There are few places someone can go to lament the loss of traditional values like FR. Today I'm lamenting the death (or terminal illness) of the sensible American wedding.
As a 24-year-old American girl, I attend lots of nuptials, and because of familial obligations certain brides couldn't eschew, I've even been an occasional bridesmaid. Every subsequent wedding I attend seems to be the next in a terrifying sequence of tacky one-upmanship. It's as though each bride has a "ridiculous counter" that ticks up and up during the planning until true perfection of ridiculousness is realized on the big day.
Here are the things that bother me, and I know you may be guilty of a few, so some of them are going to make you mad. And I'm not sorry, because all of them make me mad, so my situation is far more painful.
#1: If you are already living together, why are you having a lavish wedding and wearing a white dress? It's not fooling anybody, not even your blind and deaf grandma. We all know what you've been up to, and it is beyond me that you do not understand that this whole day is a little absurd because you've already been living the way you were supposed to live after this day. Own up to your behavior, save me $75, and go to the courthouse.
#2: I am never going to wear this horrid dress again. In fact, I'm reasonably sure that it was just a terrible practical joke at the dress factory, but by some tragic accounting error, it was shipped out, and now my body is wrapped in yards of shiny brown satin. If the only thing I can think when I look in the mirror while wearing the bridesmaid's dress you've chosen is: "You can polish a turd..." then you might want to reconsider this princess theme you seem to be going for. Also, it's May. Why on God's blossoming, springy, colorful, alive and green earth are we wearing brown?
#3: And what's with bridesmaids having to wear the exact same dress anyway? I have to wear a uniform at my job (short orange shorts and a white tank top); why should I have to wear one to a wedding? Is it to identify the two different teams? Team bride and team groom? Because I'm undecided--unless team I'd-give-it-three-years is forming in the back of the room. All these outfits really do is show who is on team idiot, because we're the only people here wearing a $300 uniform yet aren't getting paid.
#4: Oh, but you are getting paid: the bride is going to give you a $20 tchotchke for standing around looking like a melted tootsie roll for 45 minutes while a preacher the bride met for the first time last weekend rants on and on about a book of the Bible she's never even heard of. ("Wait, why is he talking about the Romans? I thought the Bible was about Jews. Ugh! Christianity is so contradictory.") If you're going to give me a present for being your bridesmaid, it should be a) a filled flask that can be concealed in this tacky dress, b) several doses of a narcotic painkiller to be taken 30 minutes before the ceremony, or c) a refund for this fashion-crime sausage casing that I'm wearing.
#4.5: Why did you write your own vows? They're not cute. They just made everyone in this room embarrassed for you. The vows the church uses were designed to basically say, "I'm not going to ditch you for your bridesmaid that I think I saw at Hooters last week." They are meant to say that you are entering into a permanent union, ordained by God, that you can't just back out of when it's not fun anymore. You don't realize how important these vows are. They are the referent for your behavior toward each other for the rest of your lives. But hey, you're smarter than some ol' dusty book! Write away, Shakespeare!
#5: I'm sure planet Tackyhostess is nice this time of year, but on earth, if you invite people to your party, you don't expect them to pay for their food and drink. If you don't have money for an open bar, close the damn bar. If you're a good bride, I've got my bridesmaid's flask by now, so I'm peachy. (Unless the flask is filled with something peachy. In that case, I'm angry.) I know everyone here was hoping to get some good booze as a trade off for you stealing $75 and an hour of their Saturday, but if that's the transaction taking place, I ask again, Why are we here?
#6: You've got to be on drugs if you think I'm going to send money to your travel agency so you can go on your honeymoon. Here's a novel idea: Don't spend money you don't have! (Say, maybe our congressmen are bridezillas in drag. Dennis Kucinich, I'm looking at you.) If you can't afford to go to the Bahamas for 2 weeks without panhandling, then go somewhere else. Why are you even going on a honeymoon? The point of a honeymoon is to get to know someone biblically, and you've got that covered, Miss It's-Just-Cheaper-If-We-Share-An-Apartment. In the age old game of "You can have a cookie that's been dropped on the floor now, or 5 star tiramisu later," you chose the cookie. Deal with it, and don't ask me to pay for your finally-making-it-honest vacation.
#7: Don't you dare ask me for cash! I'm beginning to suspect that instead of providing your bridesmaids with narcotic pain killers, you crushed them all up and snorted them yourself. Why else would you have the audacity to ask me for money when you have a job, car, house, dog, and a long-standing birth control prescription? I'm not getting anything out of this; what am I paying for here? The privilege of seeing you in a white dress that makes you look fat? Enduring multiple passes from your drunk "uncles"? Steal of a deal! I've only spent $450 on this event and I've already been groped twice!
#8: You don't deserve a damn thing. And you are not a princess. If you or your family don't have the money to pay for a royal wedding, don't organize a royal wedding. Just because your best friend's father spent $250,000 on a wedding doesn't mean you have to too. It only means he's an idiot or absolutely filthy rich, and if it's the latter, I'd like to know if there are any single men in the family, thankyuuvurymuch. People like you thinking that just because someone else has something, you deserve it too is why we're all up crap creek right now. And it's why you're going into your marriage with $50,000+ in debt, not counting the dream house you also deserve.
#9: I don't need steak tar-tar. I don't need lobster. I don't need caviar. I'll settle for something that's edible, tasty, and plentiful. I'm not impressed that the menu is written in French. I'm not impressed with the smorgasbord of imported seafood. I am, however, impressed with the ring-bearer who just put a spoonful of caviar into his mouth, spit it back into the spoon, and put the spoon back in the serving dish. My thoughts exactly, kid.
#10: You look trashy carrying around a bottle of beer in a coozy, Mrs. Justmarriedpants. I know you well enough to know we should all be sitting in an AA meeting instead of marching in this parade of fanciful denial, but couldn't you not imbibe once? Just this once? Don't you want to have at least one wedding picture that doesn't double as an advertisement for Budweiser? Don't you realize your drunk face is not cute? And how are all these drunk people getting home? If you didn't have the money for the Bahamas, I seriously doubt you've hired cars for your hammered guests.
#11: Why are you leaving in a limo? We all know you don't regularly ride in a limo. Why today? Are we supposed to think you're Jay Gatsby or John D. Rockefeller all of a sudden? And the limo has the company logo plastered on the side. "Enchanted Events Limos." It's just more evidence of the latent fantasy world you should have exercised by age 10.
So, dear bride, the bottom line is this: you're not fooling anybody. We know you are living together, so the white dress is a joke. We know you can't spell caviar, so that's a sham. We know you don't own the limo, so you're not tricking us into believing that you're fancy. And finally, we all know something you apparently do not: you are not a princess.
Your wedding should be a happy day. It should be fun, memorable, and most of all, easy. But it shouldn't be memorable because of how many people went to jail, and it won't be memorable because of how much money you spent. The guests will remember it fondly if it is tasteful, conservative, and genuine. And the greatest of these is genuine. If you're spending money on things to make you feel like a celebrity, you're going to be let down when a wedding becomes a marriage. So don't try to impress people, don't try to out do someone else. Just see it for what it is: the celebration of entering a covenant with God and someone else.
Now pass me those bacon-wrapped scallops.
From a very early age, young girls are brainwashed into valuing the wedding over the marriage itself.
Nice rant. I agree with lots of the stuff you said.
The tackiness and silliness annoys me, too. A "Unity Candle?" Where the hell did this silly "tradition" come from? A child that's barely old enough to walk has to carry the rings down the aisle?
I don’t know, my wedding was pretty ‘genuine’, and I might eventually have to spend 50K just to overcome the psychological trauma; it involved a Justice of the Peace, a ‘Sex Instructor’ T-shirt, and a groom who accidentally said ‘awfully’ instead of ‘lawfully’...But hey, we just hit ten years so obviously something went right!
Some brides have to get past their banker for approval.
4.5 tops the list in my book.
Did you write this?
So you, the author, work at Hooters, but didn’t post a photo.
Well, I’m inclined to let the bride choose, within reasonable limits. But then, I’m a man, and I’ve learned to shut up and not to tell women what to do.
But I’ve never heard of a bride hitting up the bridesmaids to help pay for her wedding. I agree, that is very tacky indeed.
The last wedding I had the privilege of being in...and I do call it a privilege...I’m already married and unfortunately divorced...
A ‘country wedding.’ A bride let us choose the bridesmaids dresses...one young bridesmaid insisted we choose something to be worn again later. I corrected her. You will never wear this dress again, so don’t pretend, let’s chose something we like. WE ‘rented’ the most fabulous dresses for the event. It is very nice to know that awful dress I had to buy...isn’t in my closet...and it wasn’t awful.
Food...the reception was at a camp ground with cook out and all....WE decorated the pavilion ourselves! And the pick-up that the bride and groom drove away in....LOL>
We made our own silk flower bouquets...and the bridal shower cake was actually rolled up towels and decorated with silk flowers that would later double for boutonnieres for the men.
Comments made after the bride and groom left...wonderful wedding, you could see their love in who they are today and that will last a lifetime...
The wedding should never be the culmination of your love...
I had the most perfect wedding ever.
One morning the man-of-my-dreams and I decided that, maybe, we should wed. We got dressed and went into town to find out what it took to get married. Not much, in Alexandria, Virginia. We were hitched by noon.
I was knocked down by the meaning of the exchange of vows. It took me by surprise. I wept a little. It changed me.
Twenty years later and we’re still very happy together.
My 11 ridiculously hideous bridesmaid dresses and I agree with you wholeheartedly. Might I suggest a bridesmaid bonfire? A bunch of us got together and burned the most offensive ones...then donated the rest. The marrieds, as I so affectionately call them, have all moved on to the royal baby showers now. Get ready! You thought their wedding days were totally self-absorbed? Just wait until they have babies! Its like they invented giving birth and having kids.
Seriously? Brides ask for this?
Fortunately, I've never stood in a wedding where the couple was asking for money for their honeymoon.
How incredibly tacky.
Goodness, sounds like the person who wrote this is real charming.
Free advice to unmarried men, marry a woman who knows how to cook very well, loves to cook and is experienced. And is not interested in material trappings, but in her husband.
There IS such a thing as a wedding costing less than $3,000 including gown, rings and reception for 80.
It’s called a wonderful wife that insists on doing it herself, and just gets some relatives to do some last minute stove tending the day of.
And you get the same fancy food, or any food, you want. And years later people still will comment on how wonderful the day was.
You forgot my favorite of all: Do NOT make all the attendants practice a dance and then make fools of themselves dancing down the aisle and doing crazy steps to the latest pop tune.
I had 7 days to plan my wedding. We got married on our farm under a dogwood tree that was in bloom. Hubby mowed a path through the soybeans to that tree and I walked there barefoot in a $29.99 cream linen dress I bought the day before. I carried grocerystore purchased cream roses with stems I wrapped in a matching satin ribbon. Our best men were our 2 basset hounds and the minister was 80 years old and met us at the farm with her husband and brother as witnesses.
After the ceremony, I put on my workboots and climbed on the tractor in my dress to bush hog a back field.
Total cost of our wedding counting marriage license, paying the minister, dress, roses- $200.
We didn’t register anywhere. We didn’t take a honeymoon.
I did ask if hubby wanted me to promise to ‘obey’ him. He said no. Our marriage is not ‘til death do us part. It is ‘til we are reunited in heaven.
If you want to have the wedding somewhere else, you pay to get your party there, don't ask friends and family, many of whom can't afford to travel to exotic locals in this economy.
One of my girlfriends is a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding. She has to pay to get herself to Aruba, as well as pay for the resort they are staying at, her dress, and anything else that comes up.
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