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Local Man Arrested for Merchandise Tampering at Area Walmart
Country California ^ | August 4, 2011 | by Trailer

Posted on 08/12/2011 5:41:37 PM PDT by a fool in paradise

Local country fan Reginald Spears was arrested over the weekend for merchandise tampering at the new Super Walmart out on the bypass. The details of his infractions are unique, to say the least.

Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously.

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he’d decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded “Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma’am” and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store.

“I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that… and where Taylor Swift had been, he’d replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he’d stole all them new CDs and tried to replace ‘em with his old junk,” said a perplexed Johnston.

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. “I didn’t shoplift nothin’. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares… where that crap belongs,” said Spears. “I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I’ve got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain’t stupid.”

“Can you believe they didn’t have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?” he continued. “Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did.”

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store.

Spears explained: “They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke ‘em, them motherf***ers! I’m suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out… I’m a by-God patriot!”

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: music; popculture; satire; walmart

1 posted on 08/12/2011 5:41:49 PM PDT by a fool in paradise
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To: Slings and Arrows; Revolting cat!

Not a sing pING.


2 posted on 08/12/2011 5:42:46 PM PDT by a fool in paradise (The liberal press applauded when the NY Times hacked Newt Gingrich's phone calls.)
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To: a fool in paradise
"My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain’t stupid.”

J is for Jail, jenius.
3 posted on 08/12/2011 5:46:01 PM PDT by cripplecreek (Remember the River Raisin)
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The FReepathon Is 43 Days Old

If We Don't Meet Our Budget This Is Your Booby Prize

Click The Pic To Donate

4 posted on 08/12/2011 5:48:58 PM PDT by DJ MacWoW (America! The wolves are here! What will you do?)
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To: a fool in paradise

The guy looks like Bill Clinton gone hillbilly.

5 posted on 08/12/2011 5:50:55 PM PDT by 6SJ7 (atlasShruggedInd = TRUE)
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To: a fool in paradise

“I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture”

ROFLOL....it’s country music......


6 posted on 08/12/2011 5:50:55 PM PDT by chris_bdba
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To: cripplecreek

“My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain’t stupid.”

J is for Jail, jenius.

Don’t diss the Walmartian. They gotz rights.


7 posted on 08/12/2011 5:51:23 PM PDT by GladesGuru (In a society predicated upon freedom, it is necessary to examine principles.)
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To: 6SJ7

That’s Bill’s other brother Roger.


8 posted on 08/12/2011 5:52:45 PM PDT by a fool in paradise (The liberal press applauded when the NY Times hacked Newt Gingrich's phone calls.)
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To: cripplecreek

S is for Satire.


9 posted on 08/12/2011 5:53:39 PM PDT by a fool in paradise (The liberal press applauded when the NY Times hacked Newt Gingrich's phone calls.)
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To: a fool in paradise

A country song in the making!


10 posted on 08/12/2011 6:00:01 PM PDT by Dallas59 (President Robert Gibbs 2009-2011)
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To: a fool in paradise

My kinda fan. And by the way, I love Flatt & Smugs, doncha?


11 posted on 08/12/2011 6:17:13 PM PDT by Revolting cat! (Let us prey!)
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To: cripplecreek

“...faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering...”

Doesn’t sound like jail to me.


12 posted on 08/12/2011 6:30:24 PM PDT by swain_forkbeard (Rationality may not be sufficient, but it is necessary.)
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To: a fool in paradise

Two kinds of music there are, bud: country and western!


13 posted on 08/12/2011 6:33:44 PM PDT by Revolting cat! (Let us prey!)
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To: a fool in paradise

Time for Murder on Music Row - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgiILl_F7O8


14 posted on 08/12/2011 6:35:26 PM PDT by RightGeek (FUBO and the donkey you rode in on)
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To: a fool in paradise

Music died with Jani Lane.


15 posted on 08/12/2011 6:43:08 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows (You can't have Ingsoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: a fool in paradise

Somebody needs to prepare to do the same to the forthcoming album by supergroup Superheavy, replace their albums with the Swinging Blue Jeans!


16 posted on 08/12/2011 6:47:36 PM PDT by Revolting cat! (Let us prey!)
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To: a fool in paradise

Who needs satire when truth is stranger than fiction? Every danged day.


17 posted on 08/12/2011 6:59:57 PM PDT by Avery Iota Kracker (He hate me)
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To: 6SJ7
The guy looks like Bill Clinton gone hillbilly.

Great observation, LOL

18 posted on 08/12/2011 7:01:38 PM PDT by nascarnation
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To: a fool in paradise

Definitely a DUmmie. Probably had someone set DU up as his homepage with auto login. I’m just sayin’...


19 posted on 08/12/2011 7:05:35 PM PDT by IllumiNaughtyByNature ($1.84 - The price of a gallon of gas on Jan. 20th, 2009.)
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To: a fool in paradise
...and where Taylor Swift had been, he’d replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he’d stole all them new CDs and tried to replace ‘em with his old junk,” said a perplexed Johnston.

HEY! I love Tanya Tucker. Taylor Swift couldn't hold a candle to her.

20 posted on 08/12/2011 7:25:41 PM PDT by Inyo-Mono (My greatest fear is that when I'm gone my wife will sell my guns for what I told her I paid for them)
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To: a fool in paradise

Real patriots don’t mess around with Country Music; they respect it.

I’m calling Tobey Keith about this. He’s got a boot for you.

(I wonder if this guy, if he is real, is really a covert “Dixie Twits” fan).


21 posted on 08/12/2011 7:43:51 PM PDT by MadMax, the Grinning Reaper
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To: 6SJ7

That is Pa’s other wild oats.


22 posted on 08/12/2011 7:45:30 PM PDT by TASMANIANRED (We kneel to no prince but the Prince of Peace)
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To: a fool in paradise; All
Check the very last line of this ‘news article’, folks:

“Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

23 posted on 08/12/2011 10:08:48 PM PDT by CitizenM (He who is silent is understood to consent)
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To: Inyo-Mono

Don’t know of many who could.


24 posted on 08/13/2011 5:58:36 AM PDT by tal hajus ("Thank you sir. May I have another?" GOP)
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To: Revolting cat!

They’re almost at good as Eric Clapner.


25 posted on 08/13/2011 10:06:07 PM PDT by a fool in paradise (The liberal press applauded when the NY Times hacked Newt Gingrich's phone calls.)
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