Skip to comments.(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)
Posted on 09/09/2011 6:40:51 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Woohoo!! It’s Friday!!
&^%$(, 12 seconds late!
TOP TEN!!!!! WOOO HOOOO!
There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ‘’Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.’’ She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ‘’Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies’’. The man standing next to her says, ‘’You go to Dr. Smith?’’ ‘’Yes,’’ she said, ‘’how did you know?’’ He replies ‘’Hickory dickory dock!’’
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.
That poor bastard. Good Grief.
First-year students at the OSU Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it
is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first thing is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animals body.” For an
example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt
of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do
the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s
even tougher if you’re stupid.
From the email today:
The longer you’ve been married, the funnier this becomes!
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
“For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”
Market’s down almost 200 points as the aftermath of Zer0’s “jobs speech”.
Did anybody watch it. Who did fearless leader blame this time?
It was a brutal evening; 113 degrees when we got home in the late afternoon and the juice had been out an hour already.
We kept it all in perspective, however, considering what a whole lot of other people are going thru - it was hot, but not on fire...and we were dry.
That’s funny! I interviewed for a job at the OSU vet school (Oregon State). I was asked if I minded bad smells. Apparently the architect had situated the drop off area for cadavers right where the building’s air intake was.
But on the up side, you probably were spared Obama’s bloviating. That alone would have made the outage worth it.
We were in the middle of that California power outage at the time - the only fortunate part of having it 111 or 112 degrees with no juice.
That is rather warm. Obamarama can spend his billion bucks on the “Don’t Blame Me 2012” tour but it isn’t going to happen.
Speaking of pie.....you like rich, sweet desserts?
Cherry-O Cream Cheese Pie
1 8 oz block of cream cheese, softened
1 can Borden’s Eagle Brand sweetened condensed milk
1 tsp Vanilla extract
1/3 cup lemon juice
1 can cherry pie filling
1 graham cracker pie shell
Using a mixer, beat the cream cheese until fluffy.
Add in the Eagle Brand milk, vanilla, and lemon juice.
Beat until well mixed and smooth.
Pour into the pie shell and place in refrigerator overnight.
Next day top with the cherry pie filling.
My Mom used to make this and it was my favorite.
Sounds more like a mechanical engineer fail, but the architect should have caught it. I have a building under construction right now. The engineer had designed the restroom exhaust fan to vent right at the front door. Fortunately, I did catch that one.
There’s something on the wing...
My late ex-mother-in-law used to make this, but I had lost the recipe years ago. Thanks for posting it!
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather— who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”.
3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
4) Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
5) The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it...at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
6) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
—Unknown (presumed deceased)
7) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
8) What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
9) Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.
11) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
12) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, “Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.”
13) I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”
14) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
15) Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
16) My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.
17) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
18) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
19) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
20) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student At least they can find Afghanistan!
—A. Whitney Brown
21) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
22) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
23) Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal
24) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!
You know you have a drinking problem when...
You have so much alcohol in your system that your cabbie has to be HazMat certified.
You install shag carpet because its easier to hang on to. Embalming fluid would be an improvement.
Your last Breathalyzer reading was No Effing Way.
Distilleries fight over the billboard nearest to your place of residence.
Your friends often substitute Good night with Hey, you cant sleep here.
When you donate blood they store it in oak barrels.
Your name is police code for Public Intoxication.
Youre fairly sure a letter to Dear Abby signed Want To Leave the Bum, But Cant was written by your liver.
Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot.
Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack and a pizza.
TV beer ads have started addressing you by name.
You brush your teeth with bourbon. It hasnt helped cut down on cavities, but who cares?
You know heavy drinking makes you smarter because you can never remember doing anything stupid while blacked out.
You have a split personalityevery time you meet someone with booze you want to split it with them.
You were so drunk at the office Xmas party that you kissed your own wife.
You become sexually aroused by the tapping of a keg.
You know you can use Jagermeister as cough syrup. And visa versa.
You spill so much booze at home your dog slurs his barks.
Your credit history is composed entirely of bar tabs.
Youre always shaking hands, even when theres no one else around.
Whenever you bend your elbow your mouth snaps open.
When your boss asks you to work overtime you demand time and a fifth.
Your favorite bar is four blocks away six blocks coming back.
The Red Cross uses your blood to sterilize their instruments.
Youre half scotch, and your ancestors arent from Scotland.
You know how to handle your liquor with both hands.
You can tell what bar youre in by the bottoms of their tables.
A liter of scotch isn’t enough to invite a friend over for a drink.
You know most the of people in a bar and cant remember one of their names.
Anyone who kisses you must legally wait half an hour to drive.
Youve filed assault charges against a coffee table.
When youre out in the street, you are literally out in the street.
You think of drinking beer as sobering up,
You can say Whiskey, please in 34 languages, but cant understand Last call in English.
You know better than going near an open flame while youre bleeding.
Your bed looks a helluva lot like a park bench, and your bedroom looks a helluva lot like a park.
Youve been cut off during communion.
You wonder why they call it Southern Comfort when they know damn well there is nothing comfortable about being handcuffed in the back of a squad car.
Growing-up means buying better booze, getting older means getting used to the cheap stuff again.
Your bartender never has to ask, Do you want another?
You’re favorite method of dieting is the Slim Jim: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
You fell down two flights of stairs and didnt spill a drop.
When you wake up hungover youre afraid youll die. Half an hour later youre afraid youll live.
You wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a room and drink all day.
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start soon.”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer, it’s gonna start any second.”
“That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”
The husband sighed. “Oh crap, it’s started.
My mom still makes this for almost every holiday. I grew up on it.
She also makes a really delicious pumpkin pie.
Last one. OUCH!