Well, I’ve drawn a blank on ideas for this week, so I’m punting the ball off to you guys......
Obama Jobs Speech - leaked
They see me scrollin’...
Posted on 09/09/2011 6:40:51 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
My late ex-mother-in-law used to make this, but I had lost the recipe years ago. Thanks for posting it!
‘Face
DEEP THOUGHTS
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather— who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
—Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”.
—Author Unknown
3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
—Drew Carey
4) Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
—Rod Stewart
5) The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it...at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
—Jeff Foxworthy
6) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
—Unknown (presumed deceased)
7) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
—Dave Barry
8) What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
—Marilyn Pittman
9) Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
—Bob Ettinger
10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.
—Paula Poundstone
11) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
—Conan O’Brien
12) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, “Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.”
—Lynda Montgomery
13) I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”
—Richard Jeni
14) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
—Johnny Carson
15) Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
-Paul Rodriguez
16) My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.
—Jerry Seinfeld
17) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
—Warren Hutcherson
18) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
—Oscar Wilde
19) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
—Mark Twain
20) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student At least they can find Afghanistan!
—A. Whitney Brown
21) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
—Robin Williams
22) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
—Roseanne
23) Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal
24) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!
—Dave Barry
You know you have a drinking problem when...
You have so much alcohol in your system that your cabbie has to be HazMat certified.
You install shag carpet because it’s easier to hang on to. Embalming fluid would be an improvement.
Your last Breathalyzer reading was “No Effing Way.”
Distilleries fight over the billboard nearest to your place of residence.
Your friends often substitute “Good night” with “Hey, you can’t sleep here.”
When you donate blood they store it in oak barrels.
Your name is police code for Public Intoxication.
You’re fairly sure a letter to Dear Abby signed “Want To Leave the Bum, But Can’t” was written by your liver.
Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot.
Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack and a pizza.
TV beer ads have started addressing you by name.
You brush your teeth with bourbon. It hasn’t helped cut down on cavities, but who cares?
You know heavy drinking makes you smarter because you can never remember doing anything stupid while blacked out.
You have a split personality—every time you meet someone with booze you want to split it with them.
You were so drunk at the office Xmas party that you kissed your own wife.
You become sexually aroused by the tapping of a keg.
You know you can use Jagermeister as cough syrup. And visa versa.
You spill so much booze at home your dog slurs his barks.
Your credit history is composed entirely of bar tabs.
You’re always shaking hands, even when there’s no one else around.
Whenever you bend your elbow your mouth snaps open.
When your boss asks you to work overtime you demand time and a fifth.
Your favorite bar is four blocks away — six blocks coming back.
The Red Cross uses your blood to sterilize their instruments.
You’re half scotch, and your ancestors aren’t from Scotland.
You know how to handle your liquor — with both hands.
You can tell what bar you’re in by the bottoms of their tables.
A liter of scotch isn’t enough to invite a friend over for a drink.
You know most the of people in a bar and can’t remember one of their names.
Anyone who kisses you must legally wait half an hour to drive.
You’ve filed assault charges against a coffee table.
When you’re out in the street, you are literally “out” in the street.
You think of drinking beer as “sobering up,”
You can say “Whiskey, please” in 34 languages, but can’t understand “Last call” in English.
You know better than going near an open flame while you’re bleeding.
Your bed looks a helluva lot like a park bench, and your bedroom looks a helluva lot like a park.
You’ve been cut off during communion.
You wonder why they call it Southern Comfort when they know damn well there is nothing comfortable about being handcuffed in the back of a squad car.
Growing-up means buying better booze, getting older means getting used to the cheap stuff again.
Your bartender never has to ask, “Do you want another?”
You’re favorite method of dieting is the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
You fell down two flights of stairs and didn’t spill a drop.
When you wake up hungover you’re afraid you’ll die. Half an hour later you’re afraid you’ll live.
You wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a room and drink all day.
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start soon.”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer, it’s gonna start any second.”
“That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”
The husband sighed. “Oh crap, it’s started.
My mom still makes this for almost every holiday. I grew up on it.
She also makes a really delicious pumpkin pie.
Last one. OUCH!
This one’s now on my Facebook page.
I have a little silliness in my garden. Follow the link and note the phone number doodled in the 8th picture.
http://home-and-garden.webshots.com/album/580822259BmprZp
bfl
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise
ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow
away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
“Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady.
“I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!”
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
“Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!”
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone - don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?”
He replied “Wrong number, a$$hole” and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.) After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an a$$hole!”
and I hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word ‘a$$hole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a$$hole!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘a$$hole’ calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the caller ID program?” He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an a$$hole! “
So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too.
I dialed and someone said, “Hello?” I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” “Yes it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you’re an a$$hole!”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called A$$hole #1.
“Hello?”
“You’re an a$$hole!” (but I didn’t hang up).
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you? “ he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“I live at 1802 West 34th Street, A$$hole, a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, a$$hole.”
Then I called a$$hole # 2: “Hello?” he said.
“Hello, A$$hole,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are...”
“You’ll what?” I said.
I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, a$$hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now!”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.
Now, I feel better.
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