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Kaul: Even Vegans Have Misgivings of Turkey-Less Thanksgivings
Chippewa Herald ^ | Thursday, November 24, 2011 | DONALD KAUL

Posted on 11/24/2011 11:59:19 AM PST by nickcarraway

Thanksgiving is upon us. I once loved this holiday above all others — but no more.

The day was an excuse for a gathering of the clan, without religious significance or pressure to buy everybody a useless present.

It was essentially a festival of food.

In my family, the menfolk would assemble in the living room to argue politics or football. Meanwhile, the women, supervised by the oldest among them, would engineer the meal in the kitchen.

We’d all meet at the dining room table, representing as many as four generations, and conduct the ritual of the turkey.

Oh yes, there was turkey. And ham, perhaps, as well as mashed potatoes, yams, cranberry sauce, and thick, brown gravy.

At least that’s the way it was at our house. Strays and friends orphaned by distance from their homes were always welcome. It was, as I said, my favorite holiday. Ozzie and Harriet would have been jealous.

Now, however, my wife and I have become vegans. Our Thanksgiving dinner will feature no turkey or ham. It will feature … vegetables.

That’s what vegans eat — vegetables. “Nothing with a face,” my stormtrooper vegan sister-in-law is fond of saying.

Which is nice for the fish and fowl, but I feel terrible. Not having turkey at Thanksgiving is akin to an un-American activity. Even if historians aren’t certain that Miles Standish and his crew ate turkey on Thanksgiving, it’s a virtually sacred tradition in this country. How dare the vegan Mafia I live among undermine that noble tradition?

That argument has gotten me nowhere. It’s for my own good, they tell me.

There’s no doubt I will enjoy the meal. I married a good cook from a family of good cooks. But still.

It’s not the turkey, actually. I’m not sure I’ve ever eaten turkey except on Thanksgiving. It’s the principle of the thing, a thread of memory that reaches back into childhood when you sat at the card-table adjoining the big table until you’d reached a certain seniority. It was a big deal, moving to the big table.

It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if what you found when you got there was broccoli.

I suppose we’ll have meatless lasagna — always a reliable substitute — or some such. Tofu, maybe. Whoopee. (Tofu is a high-protein meat substitute made out of recycled newspapers.)

I’m thinking of carving a turkey out of balsa wood as a centerpiece for the table. Or maybe one made of paper maché.

Or maybe I won’t. I’d be tempted to eat it.

But all is not lost. We still have the Thanksgiving tradition of giving thanks for our blessings. Religious people give thanks to their God, non-believers to the Unknowable Void that makes things happen for reasons of its own.

This year I’m giving the Void thanks for the Republican slate of presidential hopefuls — Mitt, Newt, Michele, Rick, Herman, and Barney Fife. (Oops, sorry Mr. Paul. That was a slip of the tongue. Happy holidays to you, sir.)

We poor ink-stained wretches are a lonely lot, sitting in our cell-like rooms, staring for hours on end at our computers, making things up. It’s a hard job.

Candidates like the ones courting Republican voters cheer us up. Without them we’d be reduced to writing about the balance of payments, the threat of a Greek economic collapse, or the latest Kardashian divorce.

Instead we get to glory in Herman Cain’s … Herman Cainishness. Or Rick Perry’s bizarre performance recently in New Hampshire, where he resembled the tipsy host of a children’s program, talking to 8-year olds.

As one blogger put it: “The best case scenario is that he was drunk. The worst case is that he was sober, but drunk for all of his other appearances.“

The Republicans are a gift that keeps on giving. Thank you GOP, from the bottom of my tofu-glazed heart.

Happy Thanksgiving.


TOPICS: Food; Health/Medicine; Society
KEYWORDS: thanksgiving; turkey; vegan

1 posted on 11/24/2011 11:59:25 AM PST by nickcarraway
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To: nickcarraway

Man up and get a turkey!


2 posted on 11/24/2011 12:04:33 PM PST by liberateUS
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To: nickcarraway

Kaul was a communist in Des Moines and has gone downhill from there. His biggest claim to fame was writing “funny” articles about high school girls’ basketball. Perv in sheep’s clothing.


3 posted on 11/24/2011 12:04:42 PM PST by troublesome creek
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To: nickcarraway
Now, however, my wife and I have become vegans. Our Thanksgiving dinner will feature no turkey or ham. It will feature … vegetables. That’s what vegans eat — vegetables. “Nothing with a face,” my stormtrooper vegan sister-in-law is fond of saying.

It sounds like the decision to be a vegan was his wife's idea (egged on by her sister), rather than his own, and he does not like it.

I would just tell my wife's side "Be as vegan as you want, I'm making myself a steak".

My daughter's best friend is a vegan, but she does not demand that anybody else be vegan. When she eats over at our place, we just make sure to make some veggie sides that she can eat. Sometimes macs & cheese.

4 posted on 11/24/2011 12:07:17 PM PST by PapaBear3625 (During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.)
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To: nickcarraway

Turkey doesn’t break as many vegans as does bacon, and there’s a reason. People have taste buds for salty, sweet, bitter, sour, and a fifth taste, called “umami” or “savory”.

Bacon is unique in that it has 6 different kinds of savory in it. While most meats have some of 1 kind, and anchovies have about 4 kinds bacon is the home run of savory.

Now imagine what it would be like if your food lacked one of the other four tastes. After a while, you would totally crave it.


5 posted on 11/24/2011 12:12:16 PM PST by yefragetuwrabrumuy
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To: nickcarraway
We still have the Thanksgiving tradition of giving thanks for our blessings. Religious people give thanks to their God, non-believers to the Unknowable Void that makes things happen for reasons of its own.

This year I’m giving the Void thanks...

Good luck with that.

6 posted on 11/24/2011 12:14:34 PM PST by Inyo-Mono (My greatest fear is that when I'm gone my wife will sell my guns for what I told her I paid for them)
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To: nickcarraway

What liberal claptrap!!!!

He talks about a vegan Thanksgiving, then moves on to slamming the Republican party, and how thankful he is for the foibles and gaffes of Republicans.

I’m sure this dude never ever saw any flaws or gaffes from Mr. Barack Hussein Obama. No siree................


7 posted on 11/24/2011 12:15:42 PM PST by Dilbert San Diego
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To: nickcarraway

Just curious, can anyone think of anything that has not become politicized?


8 posted on 11/24/2011 12:16:06 PM PST by JimSEA (The future ain't what it used to be.)
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To: JimSEA

Unfortunately, I think everything has that potential these days.


9 posted on 11/24/2011 12:19:29 PM PST by troublesome creek
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To: nickcarraway
The day was an excuse for a gathering of the clan, without religious significance or pressure to buy everybody a useless present.

Was apparently a lefty vegan-in-waiting for a long time.

10 posted on 11/24/2011 12:32:08 PM PST by j_tull (I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.)
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To: nickcarraway
Vegetarians and vegans are just annoying. They can't help but sound pompous about not eating "dead flesh."
But then almost all of them have iron deficiency to some extent. THAT obviously affects their brains in a most unsatisfactory way.
11 posted on 11/24/2011 12:49:25 PM PST by cloudmountain
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To: PapaBear3625

If someone is eating mac and cheese, they are NOT vegans. They are lacto-vegetarians. My brother’s wife and their girls are lacto-vegetarian. Not as difficult to accommodate dietarily as vegans. Still, today was one of the few times since my brother got married 15 years ago that he got to eat a fresh, hot turkey. Usually we save him some leftovers. I would seriously advise anyone contemplating marrying a vegetarian to consider the consequences. It is just as serious as marrying someone from another religion...which my brother also did...her family is Hindu. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


12 posted on 11/24/2011 12:54:26 PM PST by toothfairy86
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To: nickcarraway

Being vegan is a very unhealthy lifestyle.

Happy Thanksgiving


13 posted on 11/24/2011 12:56:01 PM PST by bray (Take the Cain Train off the Plantation)
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To: Dilbert San Diego
I’m sure this dude never ever saw any flaws or gaffes from Mr. Barack Hussein Obama. No siree................

That's because our glorious President never makes any flaws or gaffes, u sillyhead!!!! Stop calling my husband blind!!!!! He sees things perfectly...that's why he married ME!!! :) :) :)

Now excuse me while I finish our vegan gravy!!! None of our non-vegan guests touched it--that just means more for us!!!!!! ;) ;) ;)

14 posted on 11/24/2011 1:00:34 PM PST by Lonely Bull
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To: nickcarraway
feh... let the useless eater file down his canine teeth then and become his inner bovine
15 posted on 11/24/2011 1:09:04 PM PST by Chode (American Hedonist - *DTOM* -ww- NO Pity for the LAZY)
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To: bray
"Being vegan is a very unhealthy lifestyle."

Actually if you do it right, it can be very healthy. If you do it wrong, then yes, it is a very unhealthy lifestyle.

16 posted on 11/24/2011 1:42:02 PM PST by Infralutheran
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To: Infralutheran; bray

———it can be very healthy——

Many vegans suffer from severe rotator cuff disintegration.

It is the result of constantly patting themselves on the back ‘cause they’re vegans


17 posted on 11/24/2011 1:56:50 PM PST by bert (K.E. N.P. +12 ..... Crucifixion is coming)
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To: nickcarraway
Dear Mr. Kaul,

We are your testicles. We do not know why you abandoned us but we wish you a very happy life without us. Pay no attention to the fact that the people you are laughing at are having a great time laughing at you.

The Boys

18 posted on 11/24/2011 2:03:50 PM PST by Billthedrill
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To: PapaBear3625

My best friend has been vegan for as long I can remember and she never pressures us to stop eating meat. Matter of fact, she is honored that we include vegan dishes as family dinners and even will fire up the grill for some meat for us meat eaters.

I never understood those vigilante vegans.


19 posted on 11/24/2011 2:05:43 PM PST by autumnraine (America how long will you be so deaf and dumb to the tumbril wheels carrying you to the guillotine?)
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To: nickcarraway
Photobucket

LOL, FauxMan whines away the hours writing tripe about a Vegan Thanksgiving, and attacking Republicans, because he is afraid to confront the "Vegan Mafia" directly to tell them "I don't want to be a Vegan any more (sniff, sniff)".
20 posted on 11/24/2011 2:15:03 PM PST by Col Freeper (FR is a smorgasbord of Conservative thoughts and ideas - dig in and enjoy it to its fullest!)
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To: j_tull

Not defending the vegan crap but being an atheist doesn’t mean you’re left wing.


21 posted on 11/24/2011 2:26:17 PM PST by Raymann
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To: bert

It’s part of the liberal religion. Vegans have taken their liberal worship to their eating. It makes them more liberal pure than non-vegan liberals or as the thugs call it, face eaters.

Happy Thanksgiving


22 posted on 11/24/2011 2:33:55 PM PST by bray (Take the Cain Train off the Plantation)
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To: troublesome creek

His name could not be mentioned for decades after he left the Register.
Now he’s back and as stupid as ever.


23 posted on 11/24/2011 2:56:41 PM PST by Eric in the Ozarks
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To: nickcarraway

Vegan/vegetarian

Old Indian way of saying “no good at hunting”


24 posted on 11/24/2011 4:36:03 PM PST by NameOnFile (...........)
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To: nickcarraway

Envy Adams: Didn’t you know? Todd’s vegan.
[Todd flings Scott through a brick wall into an alleyway outside.]
Scott Pilgrim: [standing up.] Vegan?
Todd Ingram: It’s not really that big of a deal.
Scott Pilgrim: No kidding. Anyone can be vegan.
Todd Ingram: Ovo-lacto-vegetarian, maybe.
Scott Pilgrim: Ovo-what?
Todd Ingram: I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum, of any creature with a face.
Envy Adams: Short answer: being vegan just makes you better than most people.
Todd Ingram: Bingo.
[Todd punches Scott and sends him, screaming, high into the air and out of sight.]
Stephen Stills: Hey, man, question: I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?
Todd Ingram: [rolls eyes.] Okay, you know how you only use ten percent of your brain? That’s because the other 90 percent is filled with curds and whey.
Kim Pine: [dismissive.] Did you learn that at vegan academy?
Todd Ingram: Go ahead and get snippy, baby, but if you knew the science, maybe I’d listen to a word you’re saying.


25 posted on 11/24/2011 6:22:32 PM PST by TrueKnightGalahad
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