Skip to comments.Dealing with gay family member situation (vanity)
Posted on 12/08/2011 11:52:02 AM PST by AUJenn
We have a close family member who decided a few years ago that she was gay. I say 'decided' because up until then, she had always dated men and was actually about to get married. It came as a huge shock to everyone and has taken a while to get used to. She has had the same partner since she announced her lifestyle change. It has been difficult for me and other family members to accept and get used to their living arrangements, lifestyle, etc, especially on holidays. But as time has gone on, I have accepted this is how she is going to live and there is nothing I can do about it. But I don't like it.
I have always been polite and cordial because I see no sense in being rude or hostile. And if I were hateful, it would just give conservatives/Christians a bad name IMO, and would add fuel to their fire. That being said....she has announced that she and her partner are having a baby. The partner is pregnant. This has really thrown us for a loop, as we never expected this to happen.
It so happens that I have a small child and am expecting again, so it really makes me think. I am completely against their doing this. But I have no idea how to publicly act or respond to this situation - especially at upcoming family holiday events. I don't feel like happily telling them 'congratulations!' or talking about baby things. I think about how this poor kid is going to feel about his/her parent situation, or how I'm going to explain to my children why this baby 'has two moms' and on and on.
If anyone has a gay family member or has been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear how you handle it. Thank you -
It’s not your place to tell her how to live her life or who she can see.
Does she tell you how to live your life?
Been there, seen that. There are more important things in life than worrying about how someone else enjoys their life.
I’ve got a militantly lesbian cousin. I’ve found that the best way to deal with her is to ignore her “issues”.
Forgive my bluntness ....
You have made this situation about you. It’s not.
That baby is going to need loving family members, just as your children need. Do it. Be there for the child.
You can either accept the things you can’t change, and have the family member in your life; or you can overstep the line and alienate that family for the rest of your life.
I do not have gay family, nor hiave I been in a similar situation.
You are correct in seeing this as wrong. Were I in your shoes, I would:
Be supportive of your sister, but let her know that she is wrong. The KEY is that she has ‘decided’. It was a decision, not a predisposition. Same-sex physical relationships and unions are wrong, not to celebrated or allowed into a families life.
I would welcome her to my home, not her partner. The child? Part of me says No, it is of no blood to you, the child could/would be used as a pawn to crack open your door. Part says to welcome the child, it is innocent, not deserving of rejection in all this. That is a hard spot. Prayer, lots of prayer.
I would sort of just... deal with it, blood being thicker than water and all that.
**I have a small child and am expecting again**
That has to be the most difficult concern for you.
Short of moving to a different State - I have no idea how I would handle this.
The closest gay relative in the family is a cousin - but she lives in England and I have never met her. Thankfully, there are no small children in her partnership, just a dog. She is, however, the most attentive (of her siblings) to their elderly mother.
Good luck and God bless.
My advice is for you to be the best parent you can to your children and the best example to others.
How many times during the year do you see these people? If it’s just a few times during the holidays, I’m sure you can be gracious without getting involve with discussions about their lifestyle.
You don’t have to necessarily congratulate them.
You can wish the baby well.
Concentrate on the child when you see them and that will keep the atmosphere calm.
Unless it’s your child, I’d just smile like a dumb puppy at family events and be unaffected by it all.
Don’t give your opinion unless asked, and if asked just say something simple.
It’s not your job to teach them a lesson or hold up rating cards. They’ll work out their issues on their own, there’s probably a lot more to it you don’t know or want to know.
You can’t choose your family so just keep smiling
If you’re asked your opinion, give it without equivocation or apology. If you’re not asked, don’t volunteer it. If the subject turns to the baby, keep your mouth shut. You’ll say just as much by not saying anything at all.
It is clear this family member has made her decision. She has a right to do that. And you have a right to deal with her — and her decision — in any way you choose. If she demands the right to “be herself,” then she has to accord you the same courtesy, even if you disagree with her choices.
She has elected not to exist.
There is no need to support or even have her part of your or your children’s lives.
You do not need to buy her presents.
You do not need to endorse her choice of having a fatherless child via “congrats”.
Keep her away from your children.
Keep the door open if he ever reprents and finds her way back to normal. Until then, she has elected to exclude herself from the famil in favor of a sex fetish.
Not much you can do here. Best advice- let it go and take care of your own.
“Its not your place to tell her how to live her life or who she can see.”
You could always follow your own advice and not post in the thread.
I’m just saying...
Since you have a small child, you can surely be fully distracted whenever in their presence so as to preclude having any kind of cohesive conversation. So I would suggest you try to avoid any conversation about their pregnancy and expecting status, and talk about the weather, yourself, how busy the holidays are for you, etc., to the point they try to get away from you.
Did you read the post? The poster isn't asking how to make them change.
What a difficult situation. The problem with just being all loving, while not liking the situation, gives the impression that you are supportive. I wouldn’t continue to spend time with the relative for fear that your child, or another family member will be influenced by a loved family member. Shut the door on sinful lifestyles! Protect your child and your beliefs! The world will constantly be teaching “tolerance” of homosexuality... they don’t need anymore encouragement at home. That said, I’d continue to correspond on email with the relative without letting them be an influential part of my family’s life.
Just treat them like family if they are family. Everyone has an issue or another. I often think about the whole, pulling the plank out of your own eye verse.
Is she aware that you don’t approve of her situation? As a Christian, you should be kind to her but at the same time, she’s not entitled to your approval for the decisions she makes in her personal life.
The closest I’ve been to a similar situation was when I worked for a company where one of the managers and her lesbian girlfriend were having an IVF child. What was annoying was the way they expected the folks at the office to give approval to this. I thought they were clearly crossing a boundary there since we were just her co-workers not necessarily her friends.
With my cousin I use it as a means of proving her beliefs about conservatives wrong. She knows I think its wrong but I treat her and her partner the same as anyone else in the family.
what if it turned out she had decided to become a cultist who worshiped [insert evil here]?
Obviously there would be no supportive fakery about that. This hedonist has TOTAL authority over her natural offspring and there is no doubt she will teach this child to hate christians or anything that does not support the homosexual agenda.
there is no suffer fools gladly exception to family.
I would welcome her to my home, not her partner.That's another way of saying "don't welcome her". I can't imagine anyone accepting such a rude excuse for an "invitation".
“That baby is going to need loving family members, just as your children need. Do it. Be there for the child.
Only thing to do with a family member is try to love them, and let them know it. You might explain that you don’t want your children exposed to homosexuality, and ask her to respect that. If she can’t, it might be time to part ways. Your responsibility is towards your children first.
Why not accept the fact that not everyone will be the way you want them to be?
No the child is already lost.
There is no BS about loving example. Homosexuals are very clear on this. anyone who does not endorse homosexuals is wrong and must be silenced as a matter of law.
“for the child” is mere self delusion.
I have a sister who is a lesbian, and unfortunately also an Obama supporter. It's not much of a problem, since she lives in the midwest.
How do the homosexuals behave in public? Are they demonstrative or are they sensitive to how their presence will affect others?
I ask, because I too was in a similar situation. My niece excitedly told me she was bringing her new boyfriend to my annual Christmas Eve party. The thing is, her “boyfriend” was a female transvestite. Since this is a family party, we expected young people of all ages to come. It was a PG family type of event.
I immediately consulted with my family about how to respond, because I recognized it would affect their relationship with my niece, perhaps forever. We decided to email back that she is perfectly welcome to attend, and if she would like to come with her friend, she too is welcome. But the friend was not to be introduced as her “boyfriend,” and there was not to be any displays of public affection. We were there to celebrate the birth of our Lord, and we did not want our niece confusing little children by introducing a woman as a man, in our home, on that day.
My niece never came that year. However, I’m still friends with my niece who has since broken up with her transvestite partner. The transvestite became physically abusive and my niece realized she had chosen poorly. As far as I know, my niece has returned to a straight lifestyle. We continue to warmly correspond regularly, and have never mentioned the incident again.
May God grant you wisdom on how to deal with this situation.
That they would subject a child to the wickedness they have chosen is going to be a huge challenge in that child’s life. Prayer is going to be a very important for all of them.
I would treat them with the same respect that I would give to any person unless they wanted to make an issue about it with me. If my kids had questions I would answer them honestly. Their relationship is none of my business and my opinion is none of their concern. Of course if they were slobbering all over each other I would ask them to stop if they were in my home. If they were in theirs or another’s I would probably leave. If they demanded my approval I would tell them exactly how I felt.
I feel that homosexuality is a perversion. I don’t care what other people do as long as it doesn’t harm me. I don’t want to see it or hear about it because I find it repulsive. If I were at a family gathering and someone gay was there I would be civil but I probably would find someone else to talk to.
so you have to accept putting them in the same bed for overnight visits?
There is no reason to expose other children to this in the identical way that parents protect their children from child predators.
Lots of good advice already. Love the sinner, hate the sin. It’s hard. Any child needs love. Yours and hers. IF she asks your opinion, give it...but add that your love is there. Otherwise, keep quiet. That includes around other family members....they just love to tattle on you when you are not there. Treat her child with respect and love, the rest will work itself out. Pray for them, but don’t try to intervene. They have set their course and you can mitigate it with your prayers only. Forgive them and move on. Your children will be fine.
the second she brought her fetish sex partner into the family event she made it your business.
there is no passive go along to get along because it only endorses the bad conduct in front of your children.
There is right and wrong, and kombaya blindness is only teaching endorsement to your children.
I’ve read all the answers on this thread, and I think the best answer was written by the person who started it. That would be you. You might also try an ancient technique that I often forget about - pray.
What are you talking about?
Bingo! You can spend so much time bending over backwards not to offend the homosexual relative, that you can forget what example you are setting for your own children. Little Johnny and Susie are certainly going to get enough pro-homosexual drek from the media and school that they certainly need a firm example at home. They might say, "Mom tells us Homosexuality is wrong, but she doesn't have a problem with Aunt Joan and her partner." Maybe it isn't really that bad." That not to say that you should make a scene at every family getogether or start preaching against homosexuality. You can be polite, but keep your distance.
re: “Its not your place to tell her how to live her life or who she can see.”
Where did she do that in her post?
re: “Does she tell you how to live your life?”
Where in her post is she telling her how to live??
re: “There are more important things in life than worrying about how someone else enjoys their life.”
That’s not what she asked. She is asking for advice on how to deal with this issue for herself and her immediate family - not on how to make the other person change her lifestyle.
“It so happens that I have a small child and am expecting again, so it really makes me think. I am completely against their doing this. But I have no idea how to publicly act or respond to this situation - especially at upcoming family holiday events. I don’t feel like happily telling them ‘congratulations!’ or talking about baby things. I think about how this poor kid is going to feel about his/her parent situation, or how I’m going to explain to my children why this baby ‘has two moms’ and on and on. “
Maybe you should actually just tell people in your family exactly that, including them? Not angrily, but honestly. Those are your real feelings.
Whatever you do, don’t take it out on the poor baby, who is starting life in a very freaky situation.
What would Jesus do? Is your sister a Christian? Is the pregnant partner a Christian? Were they once believers and are not anymore? Follow the teachings of the New Testament. Have you ever told your sister that you believe her lifestyle is sinful?
It is all easier said than done. Pray for God’s guidance. And then take that guidance.
Performing homosexual acts is selfish and nihilism. It is evil to deny a child their biological father and chance for normal sexual identity development. If they have a boy he will be mutilating his penis at four like those lesbian’s Tyler ==who are forcing drugs now on their eight year old to prevent his natural development.....putting toxins into this confused and mentally ill kid....he is mentally ill because of his artificial evil, unnatural environment.
Best answer is following: You should never stand back and allow evil—Bonhoeffer said it best-—not saying anything is condoning the behavior and allowing evil to magnify and destroy tons of others because of your silence in the face of true evil—that denial of God and Natural Design and hatred of your own body.
Dont give your opinion unless asked, and if asked just say something simple.
Its not your job to teach them a lesson or hold up rating cards. Theyll work out their issues on their own, theres probably a lot more to it you dont know or want to know.
You cant choose your family so just keep smiling
I agree with "Mount Athos" - I would only add, don't feel obliged to attend events you don't want to and don't feel obliged to send cards, etc... Don't advertise your feelings, just play dumb and avoid them if they upset you.
I had a family friend who turned "gay" after being married with 2 kids. Then he met another man, his "true love." I didn't say anything. Some went out of their way to welcome them, etc... Then he broke up with that guy, and moved to another, then another, then another. Those who chose to celebrate his first "new love" probably felt pretty stupid after the 3rd time. I started to find him and his boyfriends annoying, unstable and disagreeable people - I happen to believe it is closely linked to their lifestyle, but anyway, the decision to actively avoid them became easy.
Point is - they have chosen to venture out with lifestyle which is usually does not "succeed." So be polite and dumb, but make them prove to you they are indeed "just like everyone else." Maybe they will surprise you, maybe not.
“I will not let my children spend time around her and her partner unless I am present. She has asked to take the kids places or for them to spend the night, I am always polite but firm in my refusal. I feel bad, because I let the children do things with other relatives, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I recently explained to my older child what homosexuality is and why it is considered sinful and wrong. I explained that this was they type of relationship that my niece and her friend but that we should still be polite and hopes she renounces her sin. “
I second this advice.
I once stupidly let my 4 year old daughter spend the night with her aunt. I don’t know what I was thinking. She “lived together” with her boyfriend in a dorm (yes, they were allowed visitors, even little kids) and my daughter was very confused about that when she came home, asking me why the two of them slept in the same bed - necessitating an explanation from me.
I’d delay exposure to these evils as long as possible.
This is a VERY tricky situation, so . . . I deleted most of my specific thoughts. In general, I'd say that God comes first, family second (especially what is best for your immediate family), and country third. Clearly you recognize what God's word says about gay relationships, and to me that is a decisive consideration. If this is not a relationship you want your children to admire or emulate, then it is not a relationship you want them exposed to. Beyond those considerations, the big factor is being as polite as possible within those constraints so that you will have a relationship and can help her when she needs help or is ready to listen again. Good luck.
Thats not what she asked. She is asking for advice on how to deal with this issue for herself and her immediate family - not on how to make the other person change her lifestyle.””
The way to “deal with the issue” is to accept the fact that the 1800’s are over and in this century sometimes boys date boys and girls date girls.
Either accept that or stay in the past.
Rather than worry about what you’re going to say to the mother, why not plan on being the best aunt/niece/cousin/whatever to the child instead?
I think you have one of two options.
Either accept the situation, with all the confusion it will entail for your own children, being gracious and polite, etc.
Or, be frank, but polite, expressing your beliefs, and explaining that you do not want your young children exposed or involved with people who do not share these beliefs.
Personally, I would probably avoid becoming close to the child in question. I can foresee a “break-up” in this relationship at some point, with all of the anger and tension that comes with such, including a potential custody fight, etc.